So for a variety of reasons, including my father's death back in October, I've fallen out of recapping TVD. Not watching it, I still do that, but just ranting about it on the internet like a crazy person. But I decided to come out of semi-retirement tonight (and possibly afterwards; we'll see) for this, the one hundredth episode of the craziest-ass vampire show on TV.

Happy anniversary, baby. I still love you best.

So as we all know, Katherine Pierce - formerly Katerina Petrova, mother of Nadia and ancestor of Isobel and Elena - is mortal once again, thanks to the cure for vampirisim Silas was buried with; nothing can stop it or slow it down, and now 500 years of life is catching up with her. So, logically, we celebrate this by getting shitfaced downstairs from where she's dying and playing the world's best party game, What's the Worst Thing Katherine Ever Did to *You*?

1) ...yeah, watching Damon and Elena break up is still SUPER-CREEPY since we know Nina and Ian did.

2) Almost, say, as weird as Meredith Fell being missing since Torrey and Paul filed for divorce.

3) I didn't start off liking Nadia - I still think she's really sketchy, which is weirdly fitting for Katherine's daughter - but I feel awful for her. Or I did, until she locked Matt in Stefan's lake safe and threatened to kill him unless everyone helps save her mother. THE PETROVAS: GENUINELY AWFUL.

4) Breakup breakfast! Way to read a room, Forbes.

5) "Who pines after a girl for two years to break up with her?"
"I can hear you, dumbass."

Extra delightful: Matt and Jeremy trying very hard to be bros to a drunk, broken-hearted Damon. How the mighty have fallen.

6) DRINKING GAME. Caroline and Jeremy's sad faces when Damon mentions Ric! Everyone doing shots whenever the tomb is mentioned! "We're gonna need more booze."

7) "One night of hot sex with [Katherine] and you're brainwashed. Forget to tell Elena *that*, Caroline?" And then Carolina dope-smacks herself in the forehead ahahahahahaha.

8) "How am I the only person on the planet *not* having scandalous sex?" Wait 45 minutes, Forbes, you're gonna have a whooooole new story to tell.

9) "Sword in the daddy. Nice touch." Oh, man. Drunk, just-broken-up-with Damon is way more of an asshole than just regular Damon. Which is saying something.

10) Ahahahahahahahaha Liz reminding Damon if he kills Katherine, she'll have to bring him in, and there'd be all this paperwork...

11) Great. Travelers seeking doppelgangers to fuck around with. Stop trying to help, you guys! It never, ever ends well!

12) You know, I see him every week on The Originals, but all black on Joseph Morgan looks goooooooood.

13) EMILY BENNETT OH SHIT. They really did pull out all the stops for this, didn't they?

14) So the entire town was doomed because Katherine and Emily saw Stefan on the road and she thought he was hot. Which means, as everyone's told Damon from the beginning, he's destiny's afterthought. That...both sort of fits with the show, and is horribly depressing.,

15) "I'm gone not three months, and look at the trouble you're in." REBEKAH! Okay, I'm now officially dodgy on when in the TO timeline this happens, because I'm pretty sure Rebekah's still plotting against Klaus (and Marcel) with Davina, but then this week's episode (and the giant [REDACTED]) happened, SO.

16) "Would you give me the same choice as Tyler?" Caroline, for real: THE MAN IS IN LOVE WITH YOU. Ten bucks says you could legit get him to stop killing people for a good two, maybe three weeks! HE DREW A PICTURE OF YOU WITH A HORSE, OKAY. GET ON THAT.

17) AUNT JENNA OH MY GOD. SARA CANNING I MISSED YOU SO MUCH. JOHN GILBERT! ELIJAH! This is gonna be the week I cry my goddamn face off, isn't it?

18) I'm sorry, I legitimately love it when Stefan and Elena treat each other like adults. It hasn't happened a lot over the years, but they're genuinely--they're good for each other. I still think Elena needs like a century of I Choose Me time, but here we are.

19) Also: hey, CW, tonight is the wrong night to play the trailer for the Endless Love remake that looks terrible, mostly because it has that Rihanna/Mikky Ekko song "Stay" that makes me keep bursting out crying SERIOUSLY THIS IS GONNA BE ALL NIGHT.

20) Also, also: DAMON CALLED KLAUS TO TELL HIM KATHERINE WAS DYING. Just like with Connor--when those two get along, horrible things happen.

21) ...yeah, so I'm going to need SEVENTY-NINE MILLION SCREENCAPS of Klaus and Caroline having sex oh my god DON'T JUDGE ME.

Also, for real, dear Julie Plec: pls to have Caroline visit Klaus in New Orleans because she has Feelings or let him come back to Virginia and I JUST WANT THEM TO BE HAPPY TOGETHER AT THE END, OKAY.

22) "Close your eyes. I came to say bye." AND THAT'S WHEN I STARTED CRYING.

He's come to give her a good dream, green trees and rolling hills.

23) And then, on the last day of Katerina Petrova's life, Stefan Salvatore crept into her mind and erased the worst day of her life. He told her the truth: that no one deserves to lose what she did. That she kept her daughter, and her parents lived. And that she always, always deserved to be loved.

24) UGH DAMON AND STEFAN DRINKING TOGETHER ON THE ROOF. Shut up, the Salvatores are always the best when they remember they love each other.

25) VICKI! "Tell Matty I love him." Of course she's there. Matt's her brother, you think she's going to leave? And she hates Rebekah! TYLER! Tyler is Rebekah's parting gift! Also CAROLINE JUST BANGED KLAUS.

26) "You honestly think I'd go away and leave Damon in charge?"
"What's he say?"
"He says you're a dick."
"Cheers, buddy."


27) And then Elena Gilbert - who lost herself in the dark last year, for a while; who did terrible things; the world's best Final Girl - forgives Katherine. "I'll save [the speech] for the funeral we won't have for you."

28) "If anyone's gonna plunge a needle in me one last time, it might as well be you."



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