Today on Shitty Movie Theater: let's talk about N-Secure.

David has it all: he's VP in charge of software development at a fancy Memphis...firm (of what, we never learn), and he's engaged to a wedding planner named Robin. Mind you, he and Robin have been engaged for two years, and he seems fairly high-strung--his life is strictly regimented and carved out into neat spaces; when Robin's three minutes late from having a glass of wine with her girlfriends, it leads to a ten-minute speech where he tells her that wasting time proves you don't respect someone, and that if they're not married with a child within a year, he will toss her ass out on the street.

--yeah, it's that kind of movie. Keep in mind, this is the not-crazy portion of the film.

On the eve of their wedding, Robin cheats on David with her best friend Jill's fiancé, Isaac; David tosses her out and--honest to God, about ten hours later--goes on their honeymoon with Tina, his secretary Dawn's hot cousin who just moved to town. Tina slots into David's life as Robin #2, a matter further complicated by Robin turning up pregnant; it's made even worse when you realize just how crazy Robin cheating on David has made him: crazy enough to constantly suspect Tina of cheating on him. Crazy enough to murder.

You might think this sounds boring! And it is, sort of. Except by "boring", you mean "BATSHIT CRAZY".

I--seriously, I think this was someone's thesis film that accidentally got released on DVD. You know how in theater, all the performances are heightened, because the energy is live and you have to project your voice and the immediacy, and sometimes that doesn't translate well to a filmed version? Or how movies that get turned into plays nine times out of ten end up sucky and dull?

This is the bastard child of that. This is a Lifetime movie done in a theater workshop and filmed on location like a real movie. This is bananas.

Everyone in this movie is a caricature, not a character. David is supposed to be our hero; there's actually a scene, for no discernible reason, where an old Marine buddy shows up and they go out drinking together and we learn that David put himself through school and made himself a man and daddy issues and all of that. It's awkwardly shoehorned in, and I think we're supposed to feel sympathetic towards him? Except within half an hour, he's constantly accusing Tina of cheating on him and grabbing her arm/slapping her around/calling her a whore. YOU CANNOT DO THAT. You cannot make me feel sympathy for a guy (or try to; it's reeeeally ineffective), then make him an asshole, and still call him the hero! Go with "protagonist", at least!

You guys, you need to see this movie just for the scene where he tries to make Tina sign his girlfriend contract, which includes such gems as "I will always dress appropriately--no ho clothes" (ACTUAL QUOTE) and "I will never again spend time with females" (because, you know, anytime a woman is hanging out with her female friends, it's because they will help cover up that she is fucking other dudes. NO, REALLY).

Not that Robin is any better! She straight-up says she's marrying David because he has money and he makes her feel safe, then freaks out and starts seducing her best friend's fiancé because--you know, reasons. Just don't marry him, lady! Tell him it's not working out! Do not get topless and grind on a dude, especially not your best friend's fiancé, especially not IN YOUR BOYFRIEND'S HOUSE, WHAT THE HELL. (I will say Robin does okay after that, when she's trying to establish paternity and warn Tina away from Colonel Crazy, but her opening moves? Not the strongest.)

Tina starts off fine--moved to town to start a new job! Spends the first half of the movie being charmed by David, then looking at him like he's high when he gets all demanding and turns into an asshole--but loses it and actually tells her therapist, "It's all that bitch Robin's fault, she cheated on him and made him this way, I can change him!" NO YOU CAN'T. THAT IS NOT HOW THAT WORKS. RUN. (She basically tells Robin that exact same thing at one point when she calls.)

Did I mention David kills the guy Robin cheated on him with? Or that he then tries to kill her AND HIS INFANT DAUGHTER? This isn't counting how he bribes the clerk at the DNA place to mix up the results so he's not the father. Also, did you know that the proper response to "my brother's birthday is next weekend, I'm going to Philly" is to slow clap and accuse somebody of fucking around? Because that's what it is, in this movie's fucked-up world. Seriously, you guys, THAT IS OUR HERO.

I can't even accuse it of doing The 180, because this movie starts at 120 and goes from there; you can't apply The 180 scale to a movie that doesn't start at zero. It's its own weird-ass thing, and it is awful, and I LOVE IT.

Seriously. Get this and Obsessed--the Beyonce one--and make a night of it sometime when you don't feel like going out or being around other people, then do what I do: start planning a sequel where Cordell Moore and Ali Larter hook up and destroy a small metropolitan city. You'll be glad you did.


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