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NO WAIT DON'T DO THAT THERE ARE TWENTY-TWO OF THESE EVERY SEASON
1) Yes, I thought Damon babysitting Alaric was cute, SHUT UP.
2) "How's Alaric?" "Indecent, but fine." It's not just me, right? Everyone thought he was naked and recovering from weird sex?
3) Aaaaaaaand because this is TVD, "resting" is code for "making stakes with this heavy-duty woodworking equipment I've moved into my living room". I am starting to wonder about your landlord, Saltzman.
(Oh, who am I kidding, you're beffies with Damon. No I'm not.)
4) "I'm not gonna miss because you can't whittle." Yeah! Because apparently they taught whittling in school in the 1860s! ("--but in my day, we knew how to whittle." Well, maybe you were absent that day, Eldest Salvatore.)
5) Intellectually, I get why Caroline is pissed that Alaric killed her dad--because, you know, he killed her father--but seriously: it seems strange to be mad because someone on this show committed murder. Literally everyone has done that at this point, excepting Matt (and frankly, he's on the fast track). So while I am normally right on Team Caroline, I am going Team Elena on this.
6) "None of you asked for this." The thing is, it was always coming. This might be, horrifyingly, the best of all possible worlds.
7) It hadn't occurred to me 'til Finn said so that thanks to the curse, if you dagger one Original, they're all essentially daggered. One...one should perhaps look into that as a decent Plan B, y'all.
8) The Vampire Diaries: teaching people to murder via LARPing since 2012.
9) ...uh, mostly I am astonished that Team Salvatore actually came up with a good plan for once. Just--what? Am I high? THIS PLAN IS NOT AWFUL. We're all seeing this, right? I mean, of course it'll get fucked up somehow, but just. I want to buy them all snacks, now.
10) You know, I want to like Rebekah, but there's something really mealy-mouthed about her being all "waaaaah, Damon used sex to lower my mental shields so Sage could read my brain and see what I wanted!" You know, because she was planning on breaking into his house and/or torturing or murdering people to find out where the last white oak was. Also? You then used what he knew when Sage told you about it! That's--seriously, what the actual shit, lady.
11) I know I should be happy or something that Evil Lexi is back with Finn, but all I am really thinking is, "That is an astonishing amount of spray tan, Not-Clive Owen."
12) You know how on Buffy, all vampires automatically knew some weird form of kung fu? On TVD, all vampires can automatically plot, on a map, current locations over ancient ones. Like, without even checking.
13) And thus do we get this week's B-plot: Rebekah earns her Damon Salvatore Mutilation Hour merit badge, and plans to use him as a murder bomb against Elena and Stefan. Klaus will be thrilled by that, btw. (More Elena than Stefan, but still.)
14) Okay, I get that Bonnie is working for Klaus because he's threatening her mom and Jeremy, but--why didn't we see her get taken, show? Honestly! You show us literally every other time someone gets kidnapped or how they woke up in a weird-ass place, just...not this one? Huh.
15) Also: way to screw shit up from Denver, Littlest Salvatore. You are on the other side of the country! How the hell are you still a hostage?
16) Oh, man, Alaric apologizing to Caroline for her dad. And Caroline doesn't--it's not forgiveness, exactly, but. Understanding. "I'm no better than you. So I'm going to take a page from the Elena Gilbert handbook and hope you can be saved." CAROLINE FORBES, BEST PERSON OR BEST PERSON?
17) Okay, A) have I mentioned that I really like that the show's remembered vampires are kind of projecting telepaths? and B) only this show will give us Damon/Elena and make it a drugged-out fever dream shot through a Vaseline lens.
18) "Ohhhh, I get it. Klaus bossed me around for a thousand years, I'd be pretty desperate for some attention, too."
Which--kinda? God knows I hate simple explanations on this show, and God knows the show hates it more than *I* do, but I've always said Rebekah is the girl/Original version of Damon: always wanted to be loved, always wanted someone *to* love, but the world keeps letting her down. So when Damon calls her out on it--and it's true; from the start, Klaus has treated her as a chess piece more than a beloved sister, especially one who's been loyal for a thousand years--she gets pissed off and lashes out. And, like Damon, she gets exponentially crazier the angrier she gets.
Goddamn, Rebekah, I wished I liked you more than the 37 seconds you are delightful every other week.
19) And speaking of people I am not all that fond of: Evil Sage, because she's in "enemy territory", has been willfully making childer all over town. Like, she's forgotten how many she's made. That--what the shit, okay. That is like when Tyler's werewolf lady friend murdered a cop and a bunch of campers, and I was supposed to not think she was an asshole. Guys, it's hard enough liking the protagonists, some weeks. I do not have a lot of give-a-shit leftover for recurring guest stars.
20) Matt Donovan, dosing shots with vervain! I love you so much, kid. Please move in with someone so you don't have to keep burning your stuff for heat.
21) And then OH SHIT Y'ALL MATT STAKES FINN. And yeah, moot point because Bonnie had just canceled out the linking spell, but whatever, MATT DONOVAN KILLED A VAMPIRE. That's--that's everyone now. Everyone on this show has killed someone. I feel like we should all do shots to celebrate.
22) And then! Bonnie just LEAVES DAMON THERE, like, what the hell, Bonnie.
(Which is me not being fair to Bonnie, frankly. She's had a shitty week--a shitty year, if you do the math, and most of it can be traced to Damon, starting with "tried to rip out my trachea when I was possessed by my dead ancestor" and ending at "made my mom a vampire to save my best friend's life". I cannot entirely blame her for bailing on him. She gets a shitload of points back for immediately calling Elena and telling her what's up.)
23) Also, what the shit, Bonnie actually felt bad for Damon. Everyone on this show needs a fucking hug.
24) No, seriously: I am starting to legitimately think the best thing for any witch to do is to live in a town and/or city, own and operate a small, stable business, and immediately murder any vampire he or she sees, because--I mean, Lucy said it best: getting in bed with a vampire never hurts the vampire.
25) And then Evil Lexi breaks in to kill Stefan, and Troy (?) has Elena, and then OH SHIT IF YOU KILL AN ORIGINAL YOU WIPE OUT HIS OR HER LINE. That means there's a lot of dead vampires tonight--well, no, Finn. Probably didn't make a lot of childer. BUT STILL. Esther, you are the greatest.
26) Aaaaaaaand now this is going to bug me, but does Mikael count as an Original for this? Because if he does, a lot of 'em got wiped out when Klaus staked him. Alternately, if he doesn't, there will still be vampires. The math will just be a lot more even.
27) "This was much different in my head." At this point, it's really Damon and maybe Caroline who can crack jokes during/immediately after being tortured.
28) BUT THEN if you kill Klaus, you kill Tyler OH SHIT LET'S NOT DO THAT.
29) As soon as Elena started tracing the bloodline back, my eyes got all huge. ROSE! Can we get Lauren Cohan back? Please? Come on! We've had everyone else, and Rose could smack Damon upside the head like eight times--y'all, she was his Lexi, she would do that--and we could find out who sired her and and and UGH SHOW THE WALKING DEAD FILMS LIKE TWO MILES NORTH, SHE'S IN TOWN ANYWAY.
30) I...did not see Klaus' weird "I am a target for your hate and anger! I am your nemesis! USE AND LOVE ME!" rant coming, as directed at Stefan; I am just gonna s--this show is hard to explain to outsiders, isn't it?
31) "At least [the Salvatores] know what family means." I feel like there should be a .gifset of this on Tumblr, complete with a bunch of shots of Stefan and Damon being horrible to each other. Remember: in Mystic Falls, "ohana" means "sometimes we torture our loved ones, but eventually we team up against our enemies and get shitfaced, so it's all okay".
32) Blah blah Stefan's hair shirt whatever--
--aaaaaaaaand then he's all "I know you love Damon, too." OH SHIT. Y'all, Elena Gilbert just accidentally Katherine's entire game plan. That is GENIUS. Somewhere, Katherine is extremely pissed, and does not even know why.
33) Sidebar: did Rebekah have Damon clasped in chains through his wrist? That--what the actual shit, Lady Original? You earned that badge, for real.
34) Sidebar 2: Ahahahahahahahaha Alaric wanting to turn himself in to Liz, and Damon and Stefan looking at him incredulously. "Ric, you live here. You being crazy because of a magic ring and killing a bunch of people is not even the worst thing that's happened since breakfast."
35) "I don't know *what* I feel." I actually agree with Elena on this. Stop springing shit on her, Stefan! We're still in the middle of labyrinthine bullshit, and you want her to diagram her feelings? No. You did that shit with Katherine during dress balls and fancy parties. Y'all had more time back then.
36) And then OH SHIT Damon goes to get the last stake from Alaric only to find that Evil Alaric has hidden the last stake and presumably plans on killing an Original, possibly the one who started the line every vampire he knows is descended from, including his best friend OH SHIT Y'ALL.
Next week: Nothing! April 19, however, Damon and Elena road trip to Denver to make Jeremy talk to dead people--"'Dead vampire' is redundant", PLEASE LET IT BE ROSE OH SHIT--while everyone plays Find the White Oak Stake back in Virginia, in "Heart of Darkness", 8 PM EST.
1) Yes, I thought Damon babysitting Alaric was cute, SHUT UP.
2) "How's Alaric?" "Indecent, but fine." It's not just me, right? Everyone thought he was naked and recovering from weird sex?
3) Aaaaaaaand because this is TVD, "resting" is code for "making stakes with this heavy-duty woodworking equipment I've moved into my living room". I am starting to wonder about your landlord, Saltzman.
(Oh, who am I kidding, you're beffies with Damon. No I'm not.)
4) "I'm not gonna miss because you can't whittle." Yeah! Because apparently they taught whittling in school in the 1860s! ("--but in my day, we knew how to whittle." Well, maybe you were absent that day, Eldest Salvatore.)
5) Intellectually, I get why Caroline is pissed that Alaric killed her dad--because, you know, he killed her father--but seriously: it seems strange to be mad because someone on this show committed murder. Literally everyone has done that at this point, excepting Matt (and frankly, he's on the fast track). So while I am normally right on Team Caroline, I am going Team Elena on this.
6) "None of you asked for this." The thing is, it was always coming. This might be, horrifyingly, the best of all possible worlds.
7) It hadn't occurred to me 'til Finn said so that thanks to the curse, if you dagger one Original, they're all essentially daggered. One...one should perhaps look into that as a decent Plan B, y'all.
8) The Vampire Diaries: teaching people to murder via LARPing since 2012.
9) ...uh, mostly I am astonished that Team Salvatore actually came up with a good plan for once. Just--what? Am I high? THIS PLAN IS NOT AWFUL. We're all seeing this, right? I mean, of course it'll get fucked up somehow, but just. I want to buy them all snacks, now.
10) You know, I want to like Rebekah, but there's something really mealy-mouthed about her being all "waaaaah, Damon used sex to lower my mental shields so Sage could read my brain and see what I wanted!" You know, because she was planning on breaking into his house and/or torturing or murdering people to find out where the last white oak was. Also? You then used what he knew when Sage told you about it! That's--seriously, what the actual shit, lady.
11) I know I should be happy or something that Evil Lexi is back with Finn, but all I am really thinking is, "That is an astonishing amount of spray tan, Not-Clive Owen."
12) You know how on Buffy, all vampires automatically knew some weird form of kung fu? On TVD, all vampires can automatically plot, on a map, current locations over ancient ones. Like, without even checking.
13) And thus do we get this week's B-plot: Rebekah earns her Damon Salvatore Mutilation Hour merit badge, and plans to use him as a murder bomb against Elena and Stefan. Klaus will be thrilled by that, btw. (More Elena than Stefan, but still.)
14) Okay, I get that Bonnie is working for Klaus because he's threatening her mom and Jeremy, but--why didn't we see her get taken, show? Honestly! You show us literally every other time someone gets kidnapped or how they woke up in a weird-ass place, just...not this one? Huh.
15) Also: way to screw shit up from Denver, Littlest Salvatore. You are on the other side of the country! How the hell are you still a hostage?
16) Oh, man, Alaric apologizing to Caroline for her dad. And Caroline doesn't--it's not forgiveness, exactly, but. Understanding. "I'm no better than you. So I'm going to take a page from the Elena Gilbert handbook and hope you can be saved." CAROLINE FORBES, BEST PERSON OR BEST PERSON?
17) Okay, A) have I mentioned that I really like that the show's remembered vampires are kind of projecting telepaths? and B) only this show will give us Damon/Elena and make it a drugged-out fever dream shot through a Vaseline lens.
18) "Ohhhh, I get it. Klaus bossed me around for a thousand years, I'd be pretty desperate for some attention, too."
Which--kinda? God knows I hate simple explanations on this show, and God knows the show hates it more than *I* do, but I've always said Rebekah is the girl/Original version of Damon: always wanted to be loved, always wanted someone *to* love, but the world keeps letting her down. So when Damon calls her out on it--and it's true; from the start, Klaus has treated her as a chess piece more than a beloved sister, especially one who's been loyal for a thousand years--she gets pissed off and lashes out. And, like Damon, she gets exponentially crazier the angrier she gets.
Goddamn, Rebekah, I wished I liked you more than the 37 seconds you are delightful every other week.
19) And speaking of people I am not all that fond of: Evil Sage, because she's in "enemy territory", has been willfully making childer all over town. Like, she's forgotten how many she's made. That--what the shit, okay. That is like when Tyler's werewolf lady friend murdered a cop and a bunch of campers, and I was supposed to not think she was an asshole. Guys, it's hard enough liking the protagonists, some weeks. I do not have a lot of give-a-shit leftover for recurring guest stars.
20) Matt Donovan, dosing shots with vervain! I love you so much, kid. Please move in with someone so you don't have to keep burning your stuff for heat.
21) And then OH SHIT Y'ALL MATT STAKES FINN. And yeah, moot point because Bonnie had just canceled out the linking spell, but whatever, MATT DONOVAN KILLED A VAMPIRE. That's--that's everyone now. Everyone on this show has killed someone. I feel like we should all do shots to celebrate.
22) And then! Bonnie just LEAVES DAMON THERE, like, what the hell, Bonnie.
(Which is me not being fair to Bonnie, frankly. She's had a shitty week--a shitty year, if you do the math, and most of it can be traced to Damon, starting with "tried to rip out my trachea when I was possessed by my dead ancestor" and ending at "made my mom a vampire to save my best friend's life". I cannot entirely blame her for bailing on him. She gets a shitload of points back for immediately calling Elena and telling her what's up.)
23) Also, what the shit, Bonnie actually felt bad for Damon. Everyone on this show needs a fucking hug.
24) No, seriously: I am starting to legitimately think the best thing for any witch to do is to live in a town and/or city, own and operate a small, stable business, and immediately murder any vampire he or she sees, because--I mean, Lucy said it best: getting in bed with a vampire never hurts the vampire.
25) And then Evil Lexi breaks in to kill Stefan, and Troy (?) has Elena, and then OH SHIT IF YOU KILL AN ORIGINAL YOU WIPE OUT HIS OR HER LINE. That means there's a lot of dead vampires tonight--well, no, Finn. Probably didn't make a lot of childer. BUT STILL. Esther, you are the greatest.
26) Aaaaaaaand now this is going to bug me, but does Mikael count as an Original for this? Because if he does, a lot of 'em got wiped out when Klaus staked him. Alternately, if he doesn't, there will still be vampires. The math will just be a lot more even.
27) "This was much different in my head." At this point, it's really Damon and maybe Caroline who can crack jokes during/immediately after being tortured.
28) BUT THEN if you kill Klaus, you kill Tyler OH SHIT LET'S NOT DO THAT.
29) As soon as Elena started tracing the bloodline back, my eyes got all huge. ROSE! Can we get Lauren Cohan back? Please? Come on! We've had everyone else, and Rose could smack Damon upside the head like eight times--y'all, she was his Lexi, she would do that--and we could find out who sired her and and and UGH SHOW THE WALKING DEAD FILMS LIKE TWO MILES NORTH, SHE'S IN TOWN ANYWAY.
30) I...did not see Klaus' weird "I am a target for your hate and anger! I am your nemesis! USE AND LOVE ME!" rant coming, as directed at Stefan; I am just gonna s--this show is hard to explain to outsiders, isn't it?
31) "At least [the Salvatores] know what family means." I feel like there should be a .gifset of this on Tumblr, complete with a bunch of shots of Stefan and Damon being horrible to each other. Remember: in Mystic Falls, "ohana" means "sometimes we torture our loved ones, but eventually we team up against our enemies and get shitfaced, so it's all okay".
32) Blah blah Stefan's hair shirt whatever--
--aaaaaaaaand then he's all "I know you love Damon, too." OH SHIT. Y'all, Elena Gilbert just accidentally Katherine's entire game plan. That is GENIUS. Somewhere, Katherine is extremely pissed, and does not even know why.
33) Sidebar: did Rebekah have Damon clasped in chains through his wrist? That--what the actual shit, Lady Original? You earned that badge, for real.
34) Sidebar 2: Ahahahahahahahaha Alaric wanting to turn himself in to Liz, and Damon and Stefan looking at him incredulously. "Ric, you live here. You being crazy because of a magic ring and killing a bunch of people is not even the worst thing that's happened since breakfast."
35) "I don't know *what* I feel." I actually agree with Elena on this. Stop springing shit on her, Stefan! We're still in the middle of labyrinthine bullshit, and you want her to diagram her feelings? No. You did that shit with Katherine during dress balls and fancy parties. Y'all had more time back then.
36) And then OH SHIT Damon goes to get the last stake from Alaric only to find that Evil Alaric has hidden the last stake and presumably plans on killing an Original, possibly the one who started the line every vampire he knows is descended from, including his best friend OH SHIT Y'ALL.
Next week: Nothing! April 19, however, Damon and Elena road trip to Denver to make Jeremy talk to dead people--"'Dead vampire' is redundant", PLEASE LET IT BE ROSE OH SHIT--while everyone plays Find the White Oak Stake back in Virginia, in "Heart of Darkness", 8 PM EST.
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