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iphignia939 Mar. 15th, 2012 09:27 pm)
iphignia939 Mar. 15th, 2012 09:27 pm)Okay, so I actually have an enormous problem with part of this. Feel free to skip ahead to the recap; I'm gonna get teal deer and vent.
In the books--the later ones, the ones that went "shithouse off the rails", to put it politely--Sage is a male character, an old friend (or boyfriend) of Damon's. He calls Damon "chere" and speaks with an exaggerated French accent; he never wears a shirt and has an enormous snake tattoo across his chest. He has two magical animal friends: a giant bird of prey (I believe it's a falcon?) and what's described as a "panther-lion-horse", so I am assuming it's a giant-ass cat of some kind. It is implied he used to be a different kind of supernatural creature before he was turned into a vampire, something with wings.
So: Sage, Damon's canonical ex-boyfriend, is a Gambit Expy with magical animal friends, no shirt, and an obnoxious chest tat, and SIMULTANEOUSLY a fallen angel vampire. THIS IS ALL ONE GUY. He is amazing. He flirts with everything with legs and shit-talks cosmic horrors. He is literally one of like five tolerable things in the entire Return trilogy, and one of literally two tolerable things in Shadow Souls. (The other being that Matt Honeycutt--or Donovan, on the show--speaks fluent Esperanto. No, really.)
You guys have no idea how sad it makes me that they've changed this. NONE. It serves no purpose, not really; it's not like the show is lacking for awesome ladies. Literally every lady who has ever been on this show, in one way or another, is awesome; it's one of the main three selling points I use when pimping the show to other people. And frankly, there are not all that many things in the last trilogy--The Return, I mean; jury's still out on The Hunters--that are not legitimately fucking terrible. Sage is one of them. And by making Sage a lady, it just--it manages to simultaneously make Damon more of a ladies' man (which, I have been watching the show, guys; I know he gets a lot of ass) while de-queering him, because Sage is basically Damon's ex. (And don't start with "but he's never expressly described as such!" Yeah, and LJ Smith never flat-out writes sex scenes, but I'm pretty sure they still actually happen; it's a YA series that started in the 1990s.) It--I don't know. I really, really hate that they made him a lady, and I don't think it makes me a bad fan to say so.
(Also, please don't take this as a knock at Cassidy Freeman, because I've seen her in other things and she's a really good actress. I'm knocking the gender-flip, not any single person.)
Anyway.
1) Man, 1912 Mystic Falls looked a lot like old-timey 1970s TV productions of London, didn't it? Just minus the cobblestones.
2) Soooooo Council members out walking alone, at night, after one of them was murdered. Good to know the Council's pretty much always been made up of people with the common sense of a hamster.
3) Maybe my favorite thing about the Council right now is that it's led by Carol and Liz. Two ladies! That would've made Giuseppe crap himself back in 1864.
4) Oh for fuck's sake. So Meredith saying that Ric is the killer has more weight because she's a Founder--never mind that Ric currently holds the Gilbert seat on the Council, or that most of said Council would shit themselves if it came out that she used vampire blood to heal patients. Also, the only print on the knife that killed ex-BF Brian was Elena's, so just--what the actual fuck, you guys.
5) Also, given what comes up later, I cannot--what the fuck? Where is any of this coming from? Meredith suddenly got ALL THE RESEARCH BACK from Google or the PI she hired? She's trying to help him? SHE SHOT HIM. SHE SHOT HIS ASS. He wasn't going to report her for healing Bill with vampire blood! I just--this is my baffled face, and it's not a good one, and I am legitimately getting kind of pissed right now.
(In retrospect, she probably said all that to throw Elena off the trail, but clearly, she was not paying attention when she met Elena Motherfucking Gilbert.)
6) I would pay good money for a .gif of Damon's squirrel face.
7) "If you push people away, you're gonna end up alone." Honey, I think he already thinks that.
8) That said, I am unbelievably glad Ian caved and got a haircut, you guys.
9) WHILE WE'RE MAKING A LIST OF PREVIOUS FOUNDERS: Zachariah Salvatore, Mariana Lockwood, Samantha Gilbert.
10) "Have you been eating relatives again?" Wait, plural? What the fuck, Stefan, it's not like you guys were the Fells. There's a diminishing number of Salvatores to begin with.
11) So...does Carol not know Rebekah's a vampire? Either that, or she really thinks vampires are interesting in logging records. (Did Virginia do thriving logging business in the 1900s? Huh.)
12) Ahahahahahahahaha Giuseppe knocked up a maid. And "Uncle" Zach was, presumably, named after the first Zach. Who...was their half-grand-nephew, probably. WOW.
13) "Speaking of great sex..." Okay, I am now totally taking it as canon that Damon and book!Sage fucked. BROKEN CLOCK IS STILL RIGHT TWICE A DAY, Y'ALL.
14) Okay, just--if you wanted a badass original female character, you could have done that! We have Lexi! And Rose! And Rebekah! And Emily Bennett! And EVERY LADY ON THIS SHOW EVER. Just--seriously, Sage was one of two good things in a fucking terrible book. I don't get why you changed literally everything about him, including his gender, but kept the name. That is just, what the actual shit, for real.
15) It is really weird to see that Damon--and Stefan!--have great flashback hair. First time that's happened in three years.
16) Ahahahahahaha Damon and Rebekah's dueling dramatic readings of Stefan's diary. Also: Stefan's diary! For the first time since, what, the pilot? High five!
17) It's weird: we go through every week, forgetting that they're sharks that pass for people. Because that's what they are: they murder people, and not for good. They're all crazy at the best of times. Even Caroline, who is the best vampire ever, killed a dude once for food. We...we need to stop forgetting that, I think.
18) You just know that Matt and Elena playing Hardy Boys is gonna end poorly, but I get excited when people do shit like break into places and find secret hidey-holes, shut up. It's a long night and everyone is infuriating.
19) SO SAGE IS EVIL LEXI, JESUS CHRIST I HATE EVERYTHING AND FOR ONCE I MEAN THAT
20) Seriously! Damon was basically a baby serial killer with OCD who was mooning over Katherine until 2009 and keeping himself scotchguarded 'til Sage--who is sexy! And bold! And sexy!--taught him to seduce women and enjoy murdering them for food. Stefan didn't do that; Katherine tried, but it didn't take, he'd just throw up. Remember that: it was Sage who made him the man he is today. We can thank Lexi for the good parts of Stefan; we should thank Sage for the things in Damon we hate.
21) "What if she doesn't want to be seduced?" "You're a vampire. Take it." I am going to leave that right where it is and let you draw the same conclusion I did. PS: none of them are good ones.
22) --and yeah, in light of the last five minutes, I take back a lot of shit above about Meredith, but for real, you...you could have maybe not slandered him to his foster kid, lady. Not fucking on.
23) While I appreciate Damon trying to teach Stefan moderation, BLOOD BAGS ARE CURRENTLY PLENTIFUL, FUCK YOU BOTH.
24) Elena Gilbert: terrible timing since 2009.
25) ELENA. I get that you love both of them. You should! They are loveable! But for real, choose yourself, because if there's one thing tonight proved, it's that all vampires, excepting maybe Caroline and Lexi, are sharks that pass for people, and maybe we lay off dating any of them for a very long time. Also, MATT IS RIGHT THERE.
26) Yeah, I cried. Multiple times. Reset the clock to zero.
27) Elena admitting she might have fallen in love with Stefan so fast because he'd never die and leave her is really insightful for an 18-year-old, even one who deals with as much shit as she does on a daily basis.
28) I am pretty sure someone gave Matt vampire blood, because his hand is fine.
29) "You never entirely stop loving someone you loved once." "...is this weird?" "No. Not really." MATT DONOVAN YOU ARE THE BEST PERSON ON THIS SHOW. You and Caroline: BEST PEOPLE OR BEST PEOPLE?
30) And then Alaric came home and Elena hugged him and he hugged her back and UGH THIS SHOW FOUND FAMILIES UGLY CRYING.
31) So Evil Lexi--I mean, Sage--made Damon into a rapey serial killer, and then Damon re-taught it to Stefan, who PROMPTLY BECAME THE RIPPER. Jesus GOD you guys need family therapy.
32) Now: while I am all for Stefan learning moderation, I will point out that some people can't. Some people can't hold their liquor; some people have one drink and fall off the wagon. Some people really do do better as the all-or-nothing types.
33) That said, Damon's palpable desperation to try and help Stefan made me cry for like the tenth time tonight. He loves his brother! His brother loves him! It is a good thing they are both vampires, because otherwise they would just see each other as prey animals! UGH SALVATORES YOU ARE BEST WHEN YOU ARE WITH EACH OTHER.
34) Ric, I love you, but maybe we don't let Meredith in the house right no--I know you did not just invite her ass in. You better have stood aside and let her enter. Did we all forget the vampires already? I know it's been TEN WHOLE MINUTES, but still.
35) The funniest thing about tonight is that Evil Lexi was obsessed with Finn, of all people. You remember Finn: Mama's boy/martyr who looked vaguely like Clive Owen? Man, that--that I would pay to see in flashback, right there.
36) OH MY GOD. Okay, so in 1922 Samantha Gilbert--remember her?--confessed to killing Zachariah Salvatore from the madhouse where she was housed--except Damon and Stefan had already killed her. (And ripped her head off, which: impressive, Gilbert ring. Top marks.) Because--get this--GILBERT RINGS MAKE YOU GO CRAZY. Either that, or you get possessed by something. Holy shit.
HOLY SHIT YOU GUYS ALARIC KILLED EX-BF, CAROLINE'S DAD AND HIMSELF. HOLY SHIT.
"How many times can you cheat death before it changes you?" MAYBE WE SHOULD GIVE JEREMY A CALL.
Next week: Sexy threesome fun with Damon, Rebekah, and Evil Lexi! Alaric gets an MRI! Alaric tries to murder Meredith! NO ONE SEEMS OVERLY CONCERNED ABOUT THIS. "Break On Through", next Thursday, 8 PM EST.
In the books--the later ones, the ones that went "shithouse off the rails", to put it politely--Sage is a male character, an old friend (or boyfriend) of Damon's. He calls Damon "chere" and speaks with an exaggerated French accent; he never wears a shirt and has an enormous snake tattoo across his chest. He has two magical animal friends: a giant bird of prey (I believe it's a falcon?) and what's described as a "panther-lion-horse", so I am assuming it's a giant-ass cat of some kind. It is implied he used to be a different kind of supernatural creature before he was turned into a vampire, something with wings.
So: Sage, Damon's canonical ex-boyfriend, is a Gambit Expy with magical animal friends, no shirt, and an obnoxious chest tat, and SIMULTANEOUSLY a fallen angel vampire. THIS IS ALL ONE GUY. He is amazing. He flirts with everything with legs and shit-talks cosmic horrors. He is literally one of like five tolerable things in the entire Return trilogy, and one of literally two tolerable things in Shadow Souls. (The other being that Matt Honeycutt--or Donovan, on the show--speaks fluent Esperanto. No, really.)
You guys have no idea how sad it makes me that they've changed this. NONE. It serves no purpose, not really; it's not like the show is lacking for awesome ladies. Literally every lady who has ever been on this show, in one way or another, is awesome; it's one of the main three selling points I use when pimping the show to other people. And frankly, there are not all that many things in the last trilogy--The Return, I mean; jury's still out on The Hunters--that are not legitimately fucking terrible. Sage is one of them. And by making Sage a lady, it just--it manages to simultaneously make Damon more of a ladies' man (which, I have been watching the show, guys; I know he gets a lot of ass) while de-queering him, because Sage is basically Damon's ex. (And don't start with "but he's never expressly described as such!" Yeah, and LJ Smith never flat-out writes sex scenes, but I'm pretty sure they still actually happen; it's a YA series that started in the 1990s.) It--I don't know. I really, really hate that they made him a lady, and I don't think it makes me a bad fan to say so.
(Also, please don't take this as a knock at Cassidy Freeman, because I've seen her in other things and she's a really good actress. I'm knocking the gender-flip, not any single person.)
Anyway.
1) Man, 1912 Mystic Falls looked a lot like old-timey 1970s TV productions of London, didn't it? Just minus the cobblestones.
2) Soooooo Council members out walking alone, at night, after one of them was murdered. Good to know the Council's pretty much always been made up of people with the common sense of a hamster.
3) Maybe my favorite thing about the Council right now is that it's led by Carol and Liz. Two ladies! That would've made Giuseppe crap himself back in 1864.
4) Oh for fuck's sake. So Meredith saying that Ric is the killer has more weight because she's a Founder--never mind that Ric currently holds the Gilbert seat on the Council, or that most of said Council would shit themselves if it came out that she used vampire blood to heal patients. Also, the only print on the knife that killed ex-BF Brian was Elena's, so just--what the actual fuck, you guys.
5) Also, given what comes up later, I cannot--what the fuck? Where is any of this coming from? Meredith suddenly got ALL THE RESEARCH BACK from Google or the PI she hired? She's trying to help him? SHE SHOT HIM. SHE SHOT HIS ASS. He wasn't going to report her for healing Bill with vampire blood! I just--this is my baffled face, and it's not a good one, and I am legitimately getting kind of pissed right now.
(In retrospect, she probably said all that to throw Elena off the trail, but clearly, she was not paying attention when she met Elena Motherfucking Gilbert.)
6) I would pay good money for a .gif of Damon's squirrel face.
7) "If you push people away, you're gonna end up alone." Honey, I think he already thinks that.
8) That said, I am unbelievably glad Ian caved and got a haircut, you guys.
9) WHILE WE'RE MAKING A LIST OF PREVIOUS FOUNDERS: Zachariah Salvatore, Mariana Lockwood, Samantha Gilbert.
10) "Have you been eating relatives again?" Wait, plural? What the fuck, Stefan, it's not like you guys were the Fells. There's a diminishing number of Salvatores to begin with.
11) So...does Carol not know Rebekah's a vampire? Either that, or she really thinks vampires are interesting in logging records. (Did Virginia do thriving logging business in the 1900s? Huh.)
12) Ahahahahahahahaha Giuseppe knocked up a maid. And "Uncle" Zach was, presumably, named after the first Zach. Who...was their half-grand-nephew, probably. WOW.
13) "Speaking of great sex..." Okay, I am now totally taking it as canon that Damon and book!Sage fucked. BROKEN CLOCK IS STILL RIGHT TWICE A DAY, Y'ALL.
14) Okay, just--if you wanted a badass original female character, you could have done that! We have Lexi! And Rose! And Rebekah! And Emily Bennett! And EVERY LADY ON THIS SHOW EVER. Just--seriously, Sage was one of two good things in a fucking terrible book. I don't get why you changed literally everything about him, including his gender, but kept the name. That is just, what the actual shit, for real.
15) It is really weird to see that Damon--and Stefan!--have great flashback hair. First time that's happened in three years.
16) Ahahahahahaha Damon and Rebekah's dueling dramatic readings of Stefan's diary. Also: Stefan's diary! For the first time since, what, the pilot? High five!
17) It's weird: we go through every week, forgetting that they're sharks that pass for people. Because that's what they are: they murder people, and not for good. They're all crazy at the best of times. Even Caroline, who is the best vampire ever, killed a dude once for food. We...we need to stop forgetting that, I think.
18) You just know that Matt and Elena playing Hardy Boys is gonna end poorly, but I get excited when people do shit like break into places and find secret hidey-holes, shut up. It's a long night and everyone is infuriating.
19) SO SAGE IS EVIL LEXI, JESUS CHRIST I HATE EVERYTHING AND FOR ONCE I MEAN THAT
20) Seriously! Damon was basically a baby serial killer with OCD who was mooning over Katherine until 2009 and keeping himself scotchguarded 'til Sage--who is sexy! And bold! And sexy!--taught him to seduce women and enjoy murdering them for food. Stefan didn't do that; Katherine tried, but it didn't take, he'd just throw up. Remember that: it was Sage who made him the man he is today. We can thank Lexi for the good parts of Stefan; we should thank Sage for the things in Damon we hate.
21) "What if she doesn't want to be seduced?" "You're a vampire. Take it." I am going to leave that right where it is and let you draw the same conclusion I did. PS: none of them are good ones.
22) --and yeah, in light of the last five minutes, I take back a lot of shit above about Meredith, but for real, you...you could have maybe not slandered him to his foster kid, lady. Not fucking on.
23) While I appreciate Damon trying to teach Stefan moderation, BLOOD BAGS ARE CURRENTLY PLENTIFUL, FUCK YOU BOTH.
24) Elena Gilbert: terrible timing since 2009.
25) ELENA. I get that you love both of them. You should! They are loveable! But for real, choose yourself, because if there's one thing tonight proved, it's that all vampires, excepting maybe Caroline and Lexi, are sharks that pass for people, and maybe we lay off dating any of them for a very long time. Also, MATT IS RIGHT THERE.
26) Yeah, I cried. Multiple times. Reset the clock to zero.
27) Elena admitting she might have fallen in love with Stefan so fast because he'd never die and leave her is really insightful for an 18-year-old, even one who deals with as much shit as she does on a daily basis.
28) I am pretty sure someone gave Matt vampire blood, because his hand is fine.
29) "You never entirely stop loving someone you loved once." "...is this weird?" "No. Not really." MATT DONOVAN YOU ARE THE BEST PERSON ON THIS SHOW. You and Caroline: BEST PEOPLE OR BEST PEOPLE?
30) And then Alaric came home and Elena hugged him and he hugged her back and UGH THIS SHOW FOUND FAMILIES UGLY CRYING.
31) So Evil Lexi--I mean, Sage--made Damon into a rapey serial killer, and then Damon re-taught it to Stefan, who PROMPTLY BECAME THE RIPPER. Jesus GOD you guys need family therapy.
32) Now: while I am all for Stefan learning moderation, I will point out that some people can't. Some people can't hold their liquor; some people have one drink and fall off the wagon. Some people really do do better as the all-or-nothing types.
33) That said, Damon's palpable desperation to try and help Stefan made me cry for like the tenth time tonight. He loves his brother! His brother loves him! It is a good thing they are both vampires, because otherwise they would just see each other as prey animals! UGH SALVATORES YOU ARE BEST WHEN YOU ARE WITH EACH OTHER.
34) Ric, I love you, but maybe we don't let Meredith in the house right no--I know you did not just invite her ass in. You better have stood aside and let her enter. Did we all forget the vampires already? I know it's been TEN WHOLE MINUTES, but still.
35) The funniest thing about tonight is that Evil Lexi was obsessed with Finn, of all people. You remember Finn: Mama's boy/martyr who looked vaguely like Clive Owen? Man, that--that I would pay to see in flashback, right there.
36) OH MY GOD. Okay, so in 1922 Samantha Gilbert--remember her?--confessed to killing Zachariah Salvatore from the madhouse where she was housed--except Damon and Stefan had already killed her. (And ripped her head off, which: impressive, Gilbert ring. Top marks.) Because--get this--GILBERT RINGS MAKE YOU GO CRAZY. Either that, or you get possessed by something. Holy shit.
HOLY SHIT YOU GUYS ALARIC KILLED EX-BF, CAROLINE'S DAD AND HIMSELF. HOLY SHIT.
"How many times can you cheat death before it changes you?" MAYBE WE SHOULD GIVE JEREMY A CALL.
Next week: Sexy threesome fun with Damon, Rebekah, and Evil Lexi! Alaric gets an MRI! Alaric tries to murder Meredith! NO ONE SEEMS OVERLY CONCERNED ABOUT THIS. "Break On Through", next Thursday, 8 PM EST.
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Did you notice the moment where Damon was thinking fondly on the time Alaric fucked him up against the piano? Good times.
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Also OH MY GOD WHY IS NOBODY CALLING JEREMY TO MAKE SURE HE IS OKAY D: