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It's fancy dress party time in Mystic Falls! No, this won't end horribly at all.
1) Alaric is staying in the hospital, which makes him this week's Smartest Person In Mystic Falls.
2) Elena Gilbert, you grew up in this town; more importantly, you've lived here for the last year. We do NOT stop and get out of a car when we hit something we can't see, ARE YOU HIGH?
3) Elijah = protecting Elena from Rebekah, who is understandably pissed off. Elijah: still my favorite Original.
4) "Anyone else feeling a little used right now?" Oh, honey. You should be used to that at this point.
5) Sooooo...Elena and Caroline were the only ones formally invited with cardstock and everything. Dear Mikaelsons (which, AMAZING): bad move.
6) Kol is really kind of a dick, isn't he? A dick who looks like Andrew Garfield, if you squint, but still a dick.
7) Tyler's "working on himself" in the woods. Which is great, but Klaus is gonna swoop in, Hybrid Boy.
8) Elena: Caroline is right to be pissed that she had to find out about you and Damon having makeouts from Bonnie. Could everyone just--PHONE TREE, PEOPLE. At the very least, start rotating who you don't tell about shit, okay? This is how Caroline always gets tortured and Alaric always gets murdered.
9) Rebekah's bringing Matt! ...I would be happier about this if she wasn't planning on killing him like halfway through.
10) Aahahahahahahahaha Damon being bitchy to Carol = WIN. Man, remember when he was hitting on her to join the Council and pretending to be Zach's nephew? That was like a billion years ago. And by a billion years, I mean two seasons.
11) Caroline looks fucking amazing in that dress.
12) Finn = handsome in a Euro/Clive Owen-y kind of way, if squinty. Also kind of a dick, but I'm pleasantly surprised he figured out zippers so fast. The guy's been daggered since just after 1,000 A.D., you know.
13) Damon! You are not Elena's dad! Either of them! You do not get to tell her what she does! Jesus Christ, dude, this tendency of yours is not gonna get you in her good books *or* her pants.
14) So apparently people were all "WOOOOOOOOOOOO ELENA/DAMON!" at the dance? I cannot tell you, because I was too busy making heart-hands at Caroline and Klaus. UGH YOU GUYS YOU WIN. Just--did you see that? How Joseph Morgan's face did a thing? The only time his face gets legitimately expressive is when who he's looking at isn't looking at him, because he has a poker face like a champ, but when he was looking at Caroline, who was looking away? He looked like he was fifteen and liked a girl! And then they danced together! And she wore his bracelet! And his dress! He researched her and found out she was Miss Mystic Falls! JUST DON'T MAKE THIS AN EVIL THING, OKAY, IT'S ALL I ASK.
15) "You tried to kill Elena last night."
"Caveman."
--so we're all guessing Damon and Rebekah are gonna have hatesex at some point, right? We're doing that?
16) Stefan might be a heartless dick with his emotions on a dimmer switch, but I will always give him this: the guy really gets shirty about anyone else making decisions for Elena. Nice one, Littlest Salvatore. No, really.
17) Aaaaaaaaaaand Elena asks Stefan to keep Damon from letting her see Esther, so what does he do? Snaps his neck. Way to steal from his playbook, Captain Overreaction.
18) Kol really is an asshole, isn't he? I tend not like people who are that excited by the prospect of killing Matt Donovan.
19) Ayana was the first Bennett! Which...on the one hand, unsurprising, because this show loves synchronicity and I like the general family theme. But on the other, I am not crazy about us literally having a family of Magical Black People, oh my God. Just...I don't know. Asian witches, guys. Hispanic. First Nations. SOMETHING. (And no, Maddox doesn't count.)
20) UGH KLAUS AND CAROLINE AT THE HORSE, OKAY. He liiiiiiiiikes her. He has severe daddy issues! Caroline is perfectly justified in being huffy! "I fancy you." SHUT UP I AM CLAWING AT MY OWN FACE.
21) Esther needs Elena's blood to kill her own children, because she betrayed nature when she made them. ...note to self: do not ever fuck with a witch, it won't end well for me. (To be fair, I knew that already.)
22) And then Matt gave Rebekah his coat, because he is an awesome guy and a lady was cold, okay, and she was all "SHUT UP" when Kol wanted to do as she asked and kill him, and OKAY MAYBE I DON'T HATE REBEKAH JESUS GOD SHOW.
23) ...ten bucks says Klaus gave Caroline Tatia's bracelet FACE-CLAWING.
24) Klaus has a landscape at the Hermitage! I am terribly excited by this! It has been that kind of night! IDK, you guys, maybe I just like fancy dress balls.
25) As much as I am all FACE-CLAWING re: Klaus/Caroline, I am totally in agreement with her: Klaus has weird daddy issues and is afraid to get close to people, let alone to understand them, and until he at least tries, it's never gonna work for him--not having hybrids, not having friends, and certainly not having her.
(Dear Klaus: GET ON THAT.)
26) "I care too much. I'm a liability. How ironic is that?" Oh, ow. Ow ow ow. Elena, I get that you are pissed at Damon, but it's like none of you remember: HE IS A SHARK DRESSED AS A GUY. He is not people yet! He is getting there, but you still have to baby-step shit with him! Remember? The last time you were uncomfortably honest with him, your brother briefly died?
27) And then Kol, because he is a dick, tries to kill Matt. And DAMON SAVES HIM. WHAT. Oh, man, you guys: Damon Salvatore saved Matt Donovan. This is like that time Alaric called Damon his friend. I AM HAVING FEELINGS ALL OVER THE PLACE.
28) Aaaaaaand then Damon HUCKS KOL OVER A BALCONY, because a) he's learned to direct his rage since last time, when he totally murdered Alaric, and b) it is a fancy dress party, at night, in Mystic Falls. People always die. And if there is a balcony, Damon Salvatore is gonna huck you over it.
29) "Are you crazy?"
"Maybe a little."
If I ever needed two lines to sum up Damon Salvatore, these would be the lines. Stitch it on a pillow, y'all, we're all done here.
30) OH GOD THE PICTURE. "Thank you for your honesty." Jesus Christ, I--dear Klaus, learn to break the sire bond and free Tyler, then take Caroline to Paris. THERE COULD BE WOOING. Jesus fuck, I'm going to end up writing fic for this, aren't I? WHATEVER, I ONLY GO WHERE I AM LED.
31) Have I mentioned that I love that Damon went after Kol because he was pissed at Elena and Kol was doing evil shit? Directed rage! Nothing wrong with that, especially when you have enemies.
32) The whole bloodline spell with the tree and the Mikaelsons' names in Runic script is a lovely effect.
33) Okay, I'm not saying we should kill anyone, just--maybe just Kol? Because for real, that kid is a dick.
34) Oh, Stefan. You can be all "Esther's plan = AMAZEBALLS" all you want to Elena, but she's not a vampire. Human beings don't see in absolutes the way you do. She gets that killing the Originals is for the best; that doesn't mean she wouldn't mourn, like, Elijah. Because Elijah? Is pretty great.
35) "If I let myself care, all I feel is pain." Yes! Like Lexi SAID! Good things *and* bad things, Stefan. You have to do both. Seriously, dimmer switch or no, she would be kicking you so hard right now.
36) I love that Damon's just bartending now. "No, it's good, Doug, I got this."
37) MATT NO SHE IS KIND OF TRYING. ...and yes, I totally wanted Rebekah dead earlier, SHUT UP. This is one of those nights where my feels yo-yo.
38) Aaaaaand 8:57 PM EST: CALLED IT.
Also, not to knock the D/E shippers but I'm gonna--and some of this is a high-five to Chris Mollere, who did a great job this week re: music--but Damon and Rebekah having angry vampire hatesex is so fucking hot my eyelashes burned off. YOU GUYS, HE RIPPED OFF HER DRESS. Dear show: more of this, less stupid fights over ladies who can take care of themselves, LOVE ME.
Next week: The Originals find out what Esther did, and take it...about as well as you'd assume. Magic! Kidnappings! Elena being dragged into the goddamn cursed woods again! "All My Children, next Thursday, 8 PM EST.
1) Alaric is staying in the hospital, which makes him this week's Smartest Person In Mystic Falls.
2) Elena Gilbert, you grew up in this town; more importantly, you've lived here for the last year. We do NOT stop and get out of a car when we hit something we can't see, ARE YOU HIGH?
3) Elijah = protecting Elena from Rebekah, who is understandably pissed off. Elijah: still my favorite Original.
4) "Anyone else feeling a little used right now?" Oh, honey. You should be used to that at this point.
5) Sooooo...Elena and Caroline were the only ones formally invited with cardstock and everything. Dear Mikaelsons (which, AMAZING): bad move.
6) Kol is really kind of a dick, isn't he? A dick who looks like Andrew Garfield, if you squint, but still a dick.
7) Tyler's "working on himself" in the woods. Which is great, but Klaus is gonna swoop in, Hybrid Boy.
8) Elena: Caroline is right to be pissed that she had to find out about you and Damon having makeouts from Bonnie. Could everyone just--PHONE TREE, PEOPLE. At the very least, start rotating who you don't tell about shit, okay? This is how Caroline always gets tortured and Alaric always gets murdered.
9) Rebekah's bringing Matt! ...I would be happier about this if she wasn't planning on killing him like halfway through.
10) Aahahahahahahahaha Damon being bitchy to Carol = WIN. Man, remember when he was hitting on her to join the Council and pretending to be Zach's nephew? That was like a billion years ago. And by a billion years, I mean two seasons.
11) Caroline looks fucking amazing in that dress.
12) Finn = handsome in a Euro/Clive Owen-y kind of way, if squinty. Also kind of a dick, but I'm pleasantly surprised he figured out zippers so fast. The guy's been daggered since just after 1,000 A.D., you know.
13) Damon! You are not Elena's dad! Either of them! You do not get to tell her what she does! Jesus Christ, dude, this tendency of yours is not gonna get you in her good books *or* her pants.
14) So apparently people were all "WOOOOOOOOOOOO ELENA/DAMON!" at the dance? I cannot tell you, because I was too busy making heart-hands at Caroline and Klaus. UGH YOU GUYS YOU WIN. Just--did you see that? How Joseph Morgan's face did a thing? The only time his face gets legitimately expressive is when who he's looking at isn't looking at him, because he has a poker face like a champ, but when he was looking at Caroline, who was looking away? He looked like he was fifteen and liked a girl! And then they danced together! And she wore his bracelet! And his dress! He researched her and found out she was Miss Mystic Falls! JUST DON'T MAKE THIS AN EVIL THING, OKAY, IT'S ALL I ASK.
15) "You tried to kill Elena last night."
"Caveman."
--so we're all guessing Damon and Rebekah are gonna have hatesex at some point, right? We're doing that?
16) Stefan might be a heartless dick with his emotions on a dimmer switch, but I will always give him this: the guy really gets shirty about anyone else making decisions for Elena. Nice one, Littlest Salvatore. No, really.
17) Aaaaaaaaaaand Elena asks Stefan to keep Damon from letting her see Esther, so what does he do? Snaps his neck. Way to steal from his playbook, Captain Overreaction.
18) Kol really is an asshole, isn't he? I tend not like people who are that excited by the prospect of killing Matt Donovan.
19) Ayana was the first Bennett! Which...on the one hand, unsurprising, because this show loves synchronicity and I like the general family theme. But on the other, I am not crazy about us literally having a family of Magical Black People, oh my God. Just...I don't know. Asian witches, guys. Hispanic. First Nations. SOMETHING. (And no, Maddox doesn't count.)
20) UGH KLAUS AND CAROLINE AT THE HORSE, OKAY. He liiiiiiiiikes her. He has severe daddy issues! Caroline is perfectly justified in being huffy! "I fancy you." SHUT UP I AM CLAWING AT MY OWN FACE.
21) Esther needs Elena's blood to kill her own children, because she betrayed nature when she made them. ...note to self: do not ever fuck with a witch, it won't end well for me. (To be fair, I knew that already.)
22) And then Matt gave Rebekah his coat, because he is an awesome guy and a lady was cold, okay, and she was all "SHUT UP" when Kol wanted to do as she asked and kill him, and OKAY MAYBE I DON'T HATE REBEKAH JESUS GOD SHOW.
23) ...ten bucks says Klaus gave Caroline Tatia's bracelet FACE-CLAWING.
24) Klaus has a landscape at the Hermitage! I am terribly excited by this! It has been that kind of night! IDK, you guys, maybe I just like fancy dress balls.
25) As much as I am all FACE-CLAWING re: Klaus/Caroline, I am totally in agreement with her: Klaus has weird daddy issues and is afraid to get close to people, let alone to understand them, and until he at least tries, it's never gonna work for him--not having hybrids, not having friends, and certainly not having her.
(Dear Klaus: GET ON THAT.)
26) "I care too much. I'm a liability. How ironic is that?" Oh, ow. Ow ow ow. Elena, I get that you are pissed at Damon, but it's like none of you remember: HE IS A SHARK DRESSED AS A GUY. He is not people yet! He is getting there, but you still have to baby-step shit with him! Remember? The last time you were uncomfortably honest with him, your brother briefly died?
27) And then Kol, because he is a dick, tries to kill Matt. And DAMON SAVES HIM. WHAT. Oh, man, you guys: Damon Salvatore saved Matt Donovan. This is like that time Alaric called Damon his friend. I AM HAVING FEELINGS ALL OVER THE PLACE.
28) Aaaaaaand then Damon HUCKS KOL OVER A BALCONY, because a) he's learned to direct his rage since last time, when he totally murdered Alaric, and b) it is a fancy dress party, at night, in Mystic Falls. People always die. And if there is a balcony, Damon Salvatore is gonna huck you over it.
29) "Are you crazy?"
"Maybe a little."
If I ever needed two lines to sum up Damon Salvatore, these would be the lines. Stitch it on a pillow, y'all, we're all done here.
30) OH GOD THE PICTURE. "Thank you for your honesty." Jesus Christ, I--dear Klaus, learn to break the sire bond and free Tyler, then take Caroline to Paris. THERE COULD BE WOOING. Jesus fuck, I'm going to end up writing fic for this, aren't I? WHATEVER, I ONLY GO WHERE I AM LED.
31) Have I mentioned that I love that Damon went after Kol because he was pissed at Elena and Kol was doing evil shit? Directed rage! Nothing wrong with that, especially when you have enemies.
32) The whole bloodline spell with the tree and the Mikaelsons' names in Runic script is a lovely effect.
33) Okay, I'm not saying we should kill anyone, just--maybe just Kol? Because for real, that kid is a dick.
34) Oh, Stefan. You can be all "Esther's plan = AMAZEBALLS" all you want to Elena, but she's not a vampire. Human beings don't see in absolutes the way you do. She gets that killing the Originals is for the best; that doesn't mean she wouldn't mourn, like, Elijah. Because Elijah? Is pretty great.
35) "If I let myself care, all I feel is pain." Yes! Like Lexi SAID! Good things *and* bad things, Stefan. You have to do both. Seriously, dimmer switch or no, she would be kicking you so hard right now.
36) I love that Damon's just bartending now. "No, it's good, Doug, I got this."
37) MATT NO SHE IS KIND OF TRYING. ...and yes, I totally wanted Rebekah dead earlier, SHUT UP. This is one of those nights where my feels yo-yo.
38) Aaaaaand 8:57 PM EST: CALLED IT.
Also, not to knock the D/E shippers but I'm gonna--and some of this is a high-five to Chris Mollere, who did a great job this week re: music--but Damon and Rebekah having angry vampire hatesex is so fucking hot my eyelashes burned off. YOU GUYS, HE RIPPED OFF HER DRESS. Dear show: more of this, less stupid fights over ladies who can take care of themselves, LOVE ME.
Next week: The Originals find out what Esther did, and take it...about as well as you'd assume. Magic! Kidnappings! Elena being dragged into the goddamn cursed woods again! "All My Children, next Thursday, 8 PM EST.
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