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1) God love this show's dedication to gratuitous male nudity. I need to start a Damon In the Shower index, I think.
2) I never get tired of seeing Elena work out. Proactive Final Girls for the win!
3) Okay, just--do witches speak Latin or witch language? Because last year sometimes it was Latin-esque, or something two doors over, but I'm pretty sure tonight it was actual Latin. Or not! The point is, I don't know which and it's grating on me.
4) ...so Damon's favorite move is now ripping your heart out of your chest. Sorry, Neck Snap, you just got demoted.
5) BESTIES!!! Have I mentioned that one of my legit favorite things about this show is the fact that even in the face of ten thousand miles of weird-ass shit, the Elena/Bonnie/Caroline friendship is still going strong? Yeah, there's hybrids in town and Stefan's humanity has a dimmer switch, but by GOD we are having cake and tequila and streamers.
6) When in doubt, whack it with a shovel. I like your style, Salvatore.
7) Ahahahahahahha Damon talking shit about dead witches who hate him. He has the self-preservation instincts of a hamster sometimes, doesn't he?
8) Only on this show could teen drama BS involve cheating on your witch girlfriend with the ghost of your vampire girlfriend. Beat that, Secret Life of the American Teenager.
9) Goddammit, Tyler, stop making me weepy. I have Leverage and Sherlock finales this weekend, I don't have time for this.
10) I kind of love that even though she's daggered and in a coffin, Rebekah still gets her own room. Also, I'm pretty sure Klaus is in that unnamed mansion every vampire stays in when they visit town for longer than a week.
11) "I get a little moody." Admittedly, so do our heroes. No one on this show is any good at being emotionless.
12) "I'd be willing to lose one brother if it meant killing yours." NO NO NO. LET'S LEAVE DAMON AND ELIJAH ALONE, OKAY?
13) Caroline's birthday = canonically everyone's favorite day of the year. I will totally accept that. In fact, fuck it: Jan. 12 is officially Caroline Forbes' birthday. Write it down, celebrate with cake and tequila in a crypt.
14) I am weirdly fascinated by the home renovation going on at that mansion. "Yeah, I'd like to terrorize a town to make Stefan give back my vampire siblings, but the plumbing is dicking me around something fierce."
15) "You have people you care about?"
"I have a small list."
CALLED IT. Seriously: Elena, Stefan, Alaric, kinda Liz. Bonnie for tactical purposes. It's a small list, but God help you if you go near anyone on it.
16) Of course Meredith knows about vampires! She's a Fell! Some founding families educate their children about the secret history of the town, GILBERTS.
17) Wickery Bridge Restoration Fundraiser. I just--you people are fucking gangbusters at fundraising, I tell you what.
18) Caroline being sad about her birthday being essentially meaningless anymore isn't surprising. Sad, but not surprising.
19) And then Elena suggests they give her a funeral! Because Elena Gilbert is kind of great, you guys.
20) EEEEEEEEEE BONNIE LIGHTING THE CANDLES. Shut up, I like callbacks.
21) "I'm gonna get a drink, cut them a check, and we're out." I am just saying: Damon, that is how you talk to a date, not your bro. To be fair, most guys wouldn't go to a fundraiser with their bros, so we're already in a delightfully weird place.
22) Aaaaaaaaand Klaus agrees to help protect the town if they can help rein in Stefan. Way to weaponize emotional hostages, sir.
23) How much do I love that Carol doesn't want to pick a side, but Liz is all "fuck this, I'm with Damon"? Because no one ever wants to side with Carol Lockwood.
24) "You're that guy, aren't you? The one begging to have your teeth kicked in." Alaric! No! We don't threaten random humans with violence! Oh my God, no more vampires for you.
25) "You can't control what everyone does all the time." Which...is awkward, but heartfelt. Like with every other goddamn argument on this show, both sides are right: Elena, as Jeremy's only living relative and an adult, has the responsibility to look out for his well-being, to make sure he lives. But making Damon whammy him to move to Denver is kind of a dick move.
(That said, while I am in no way advocating taking agency away from anyone? I am sort of surprised that they are doing it to a guy and not a girl.)
26) Soooooooo the Council includes local need-to-knows, like the M.E. Handy for forging death certificates, I guess.
27) At this point, I think we can all agree that S3 Stefan = S1 Damon. Only worse, because S1 Damon didn't know these people or a give a shit. Stefan's just acting like an asshole.
28) "Stefan's switch is fried, just like his brain." Remember what Rose said: after the first century or so, if your emotions are off it's because you're telling yourself they're off. Not feeling doesn't last forever; it's more of a palliative while you get used to things. So yeah, Stefan is at least as crazy as Damon, if not slightly more.
29) --wait, you're having Caroline's party drunk in the woods? Oh my God.
30) Matt just wants everyone to be happy! Because, you know, they all deal with weird shit every day, so the least they can do it end up all right. UGH MATT DONOVAN NEVER LEAVE. Seriously, I don't give the guy enough credit for being the Last Human Standing - no Gilbert ring, remember - but I think that's important: the only "real" human left is pretty low-key about a lot of shit. I don't know, I just like that.
31) Aaaaaaaand then Stefan knocks out Matt and kidnaps Elena, because this week he is a dick. He is a dick like Sherlock Holmes, you guys.
32) Meanwhile, Tyler is apologizing to Caroline and kissing her and OH SHIT HE BIT HER OH SHIT OH SHIT NOT COOL GUYS.
33) "That kind of love [between Stefan and Elena] never dies." No, but you can make it take out a restraining order. As evidenced.
34) You know, I said it when her dad tortured her, but I guess I have to say it again: I fucking hate that no one ever knows something's wrong with Caroline until it's too late. I swear to God, if they go the route they might be going with her, I will not even be able to hate her. I will just cock a sardonic eyebrow and start laughing when people ask why she's doing this.
35) Aaaaaaand then Stefan force-feeds Elena blood and threatens to drive her off Wickery Bridge if Klaus doesn't get his hybrids out of town. You know, THE SAME WAY HER PARENTS DIED? And Stefan, of all people, knows this, because HE WAS THERE? He was there! Saved Elena because Grayson asked him to! Way to be a dick, Littlest Salvatore! Jesus Christ.
"What if [Klaus] didn't [give]?" Please note that Stefan didn't answer.
36) Oh, man, is this Stefan's really awkward way of making Elena break up with him? Dick move, Stefan. You cheat on a girl repeatedly to do that, you don't THREATEN TO MAKE HER A VAMPIRE, OH MY GOD.
37) I'm fine with Meredith so far? Torrey did a nice job, considering that she had literally two scenes, but I could not tell you a goddamn thing about Meredith Fell except that her ex-boyfriend, the current M.E., broke up with her on Wickery Bridge, and that she's a doctor.
38) So Klaus, because he plans ahead like a fucking champ--which we all know, but none of the characters seem to remember--gets invited in to Caroline's house so he can give her blood and cure the hybrid bite...aaaaaaaand possibly start romancing her, OH MY GOD.
You can almost never tell when Klaus is being serious; he loves his family to a psychotic degree, and himself, but other than that? Not so much. I really do think this is, like, 9/10 a plot to get Caroline on his side for whatever nefarious purpose lies ahead. That said, that last tenth? Might be real. Klaus has always been all "wooooooo, non-humans"; that hasn't changed now that he's a hybrid instead of just a vampire. And I really do think his whole "you can see the world, you can have a thousand more birthdays" speech was heartfelt. And necessary, because it's not like Caroline has great vampire mentors in the Salvatores, much as I love 'em.
I don't know, dude. All I know is I started shipping them like two minutes into that speech. And okay, fine, I get the Joseph Morgan thing now, YOU WIN. (All props to Morgan and Accola for that scene, which made my shipper stomach do flippy things while being fairly fucking certain he's playing her like a violin.)
39) Oh my God, that river looks terrible.
40) "It's okay if you want to let her go." And then! Matt and Elena give the old Elena - the one who didn't know about any of this, the one who died when her parents did - a funeral! Even though, as others have pointed out, Elena was never going to be that girl. She's the doppelganger, shit was always coming her way; without the world as it is now, things would be a hundred times worse. That doesn't mean we don't get to mourn.
41) I still don't like Delena, but I am honestly starting to think Damon would be better for Elena than Stefan SERIOUSLY STEFAN WHAT ARE YOU EVEN DOING.
42) Aaaaaand here's Meredith's ex, staked in the woods! Because that's not obvious or connected to vampires at all!
Next week: Is Meredith a killer? Bonnie's mom! Bill Forbes vs. Tyler! "The Ties That Bind", Thursday, 8 PM EST.
2) I never get tired of seeing Elena work out. Proactive Final Girls for the win!
3) Okay, just--do witches speak Latin or witch language? Because last year sometimes it was Latin-esque, or something two doors over, but I'm pretty sure tonight it was actual Latin. Or not! The point is, I don't know which and it's grating on me.
4) ...so Damon's favorite move is now ripping your heart out of your chest. Sorry, Neck Snap, you just got demoted.
5) BESTIES!!! Have I mentioned that one of my legit favorite things about this show is the fact that even in the face of ten thousand miles of weird-ass shit, the Elena/Bonnie/Caroline friendship is still going strong? Yeah, there's hybrids in town and Stefan's humanity has a dimmer switch, but by GOD we are having cake and tequila and streamers.
6) When in doubt, whack it with a shovel. I like your style, Salvatore.
7) Ahahahahahahha Damon talking shit about dead witches who hate him. He has the self-preservation instincts of a hamster sometimes, doesn't he?
8) Only on this show could teen drama BS involve cheating on your witch girlfriend with the ghost of your vampire girlfriend. Beat that, Secret Life of the American Teenager.
9) Goddammit, Tyler, stop making me weepy. I have Leverage and Sherlock finales this weekend, I don't have time for this.
10) I kind of love that even though she's daggered and in a coffin, Rebekah still gets her own room. Also, I'm pretty sure Klaus is in that unnamed mansion every vampire stays in when they visit town for longer than a week.
11) "I get a little moody." Admittedly, so do our heroes. No one on this show is any good at being emotionless.
12) "I'd be willing to lose one brother if it meant killing yours." NO NO NO. LET'S LEAVE DAMON AND ELIJAH ALONE, OKAY?
13) Caroline's birthday = canonically everyone's favorite day of the year. I will totally accept that. In fact, fuck it: Jan. 12 is officially Caroline Forbes' birthday. Write it down, celebrate with cake and tequila in a crypt.
14) I am weirdly fascinated by the home renovation going on at that mansion. "Yeah, I'd like to terrorize a town to make Stefan give back my vampire siblings, but the plumbing is dicking me around something fierce."
15) "You have people you care about?"
"I have a small list."
CALLED IT. Seriously: Elena, Stefan, Alaric, kinda Liz. Bonnie for tactical purposes. It's a small list, but God help you if you go near anyone on it.
16) Of course Meredith knows about vampires! She's a Fell! Some founding families educate their children about the secret history of the town, GILBERTS.
17) Wickery Bridge Restoration Fundraiser. I just--you people are fucking gangbusters at fundraising, I tell you what.
18) Caroline being sad about her birthday being essentially meaningless anymore isn't surprising. Sad, but not surprising.
19) And then Elena suggests they give her a funeral! Because Elena Gilbert is kind of great, you guys.
20) EEEEEEEEEE BONNIE LIGHTING THE CANDLES. Shut up, I like callbacks.
21) "I'm gonna get a drink, cut them a check, and we're out." I am just saying: Damon, that is how you talk to a date, not your bro. To be fair, most guys wouldn't go to a fundraiser with their bros, so we're already in a delightfully weird place.
22) Aaaaaaaaand Klaus agrees to help protect the town if they can help rein in Stefan. Way to weaponize emotional hostages, sir.
23) How much do I love that Carol doesn't want to pick a side, but Liz is all "fuck this, I'm with Damon"? Because no one ever wants to side with Carol Lockwood.
24) "You're that guy, aren't you? The one begging to have your teeth kicked in." Alaric! No! We don't threaten random humans with violence! Oh my God, no more vampires for you.
25) "You can't control what everyone does all the time." Which...is awkward, but heartfelt. Like with every other goddamn argument on this show, both sides are right: Elena, as Jeremy's only living relative and an adult, has the responsibility to look out for his well-being, to make sure he lives. But making Damon whammy him to move to Denver is kind of a dick move.
(That said, while I am in no way advocating taking agency away from anyone? I am sort of surprised that they are doing it to a guy and not a girl.)
26) Soooooooo the Council includes local need-to-knows, like the M.E. Handy for forging death certificates, I guess.
27) At this point, I think we can all agree that S3 Stefan = S1 Damon. Only worse, because S1 Damon didn't know these people or a give a shit. Stefan's just acting like an asshole.
28) "Stefan's switch is fried, just like his brain." Remember what Rose said: after the first century or so, if your emotions are off it's because you're telling yourself they're off. Not feeling doesn't last forever; it's more of a palliative while you get used to things. So yeah, Stefan is at least as crazy as Damon, if not slightly more.
29) --wait, you're having Caroline's party drunk in the woods? Oh my God.
30) Matt just wants everyone to be happy! Because, you know, they all deal with weird shit every day, so the least they can do it end up all right. UGH MATT DONOVAN NEVER LEAVE. Seriously, I don't give the guy enough credit for being the Last Human Standing - no Gilbert ring, remember - but I think that's important: the only "real" human left is pretty low-key about a lot of shit. I don't know, I just like that.
31) Aaaaaaaand then Stefan knocks out Matt and kidnaps Elena, because this week he is a dick. He is a dick like Sherlock Holmes, you guys.
32) Meanwhile, Tyler is apologizing to Caroline and kissing her and OH SHIT HE BIT HER OH SHIT OH SHIT NOT COOL GUYS.
33) "That kind of love [between Stefan and Elena] never dies." No, but you can make it take out a restraining order. As evidenced.
34) You know, I said it when her dad tortured her, but I guess I have to say it again: I fucking hate that no one ever knows something's wrong with Caroline until it's too late. I swear to God, if they go the route they might be going with her, I will not even be able to hate her. I will just cock a sardonic eyebrow and start laughing when people ask why she's doing this.
35) Aaaaaaand then Stefan force-feeds Elena blood and threatens to drive her off Wickery Bridge if Klaus doesn't get his hybrids out of town. You know, THE SAME WAY HER PARENTS DIED? And Stefan, of all people, knows this, because HE WAS THERE? He was there! Saved Elena because Grayson asked him to! Way to be a dick, Littlest Salvatore! Jesus Christ.
"What if [Klaus] didn't [give]?" Please note that Stefan didn't answer.
36) Oh, man, is this Stefan's really awkward way of making Elena break up with him? Dick move, Stefan. You cheat on a girl repeatedly to do that, you don't THREATEN TO MAKE HER A VAMPIRE, OH MY GOD.
37) I'm fine with Meredith so far? Torrey did a nice job, considering that she had literally two scenes, but I could not tell you a goddamn thing about Meredith Fell except that her ex-boyfriend, the current M.E., broke up with her on Wickery Bridge, and that she's a doctor.
38) So Klaus, because he plans ahead like a fucking champ--which we all know, but none of the characters seem to remember--gets invited in to Caroline's house so he can give her blood and cure the hybrid bite...aaaaaaaand possibly start romancing her, OH MY GOD.
You can almost never tell when Klaus is being serious; he loves his family to a psychotic degree, and himself, but other than that? Not so much. I really do think this is, like, 9/10 a plot to get Caroline on his side for whatever nefarious purpose lies ahead. That said, that last tenth? Might be real. Klaus has always been all "wooooooo, non-humans"; that hasn't changed now that he's a hybrid instead of just a vampire. And I really do think his whole "you can see the world, you can have a thousand more birthdays" speech was heartfelt. And necessary, because it's not like Caroline has great vampire mentors in the Salvatores, much as I love 'em.
I don't know, dude. All I know is I started shipping them like two minutes into that speech. And okay, fine, I get the Joseph Morgan thing now, YOU WIN. (All props to Morgan and Accola for that scene, which made my shipper stomach do flippy things while being fairly fucking certain he's playing her like a violin.)
39) Oh my God, that river looks terrible.
40) "It's okay if you want to let her go." And then! Matt and Elena give the old Elena - the one who didn't know about any of this, the one who died when her parents did - a funeral! Even though, as others have pointed out, Elena was never going to be that girl. She's the doppelganger, shit was always coming her way; without the world as it is now, things would be a hundred times worse. That doesn't mean we don't get to mourn.
41) I still don't like Delena, but I am honestly starting to think Damon would be better for Elena than Stefan SERIOUSLY STEFAN WHAT ARE YOU EVEN DOING.
42) Aaaaaand here's Meredith's ex, staked in the woods! Because that's not obvious or connected to vampires at all!
Next week: Is Meredith a killer? Bonnie's mom! Bill Forbes vs. Tyler! "The Ties That Bind", Thursday, 8 PM EST.
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