The pilot last week was the highest-rated show the CW has ever aired. That *astonishes* me, and not just because Damon still isn’t a bird. Also, apparently all the vids – yes! There are vids! I KNOW! – have comments on them with things like “this is a lame Twilight ripoff LOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL”, which, it fucking predates Twilight by TEN YEARS, CHILDREN, so STEP OFF. (Also, for real, there is no mathematical way Stefan Salvatore can be as emo as Edward Cullen. No. I can prove it with charts and shit.)

When, precisely, did Stefan jump off the boardinghouse roof? Granted, sometimes I look down to write, but jeez.

Apparently, some people have started making the “Elena Gilbert = Lana Lang” connection. Which, no. I watch Smallville, people. I sat through that shit. Elena’s mentioned her parents a couple of times; everyone else keeps mentioning the Poor, Dead Gilberts. (Jeremy mentions them more than she does, I think.) Also, it’s not like she carries around a piece of the Wickery Bridge as a necklace. So just ease up, okay? All tiny, cute brunettes on CW shows are not Lana Goddamned Lang.

I kind of like that the murders at the beginning of each ep are so far based on urban legends. (Last week: The Hook. This week: dripping noise on the roof = YOUR BOYFRIEND’S BLOOOOOD.) Btw, this has nothing to do with the books.

You could not pay me to camp in those woods. You know why? EVIL WOODS. –no, seriously. Evil woods. Did not make that up. It’s in print and everything.

Jeremy: I want to like you—I want to like *anyone* who pisses off Tyler Smallwood—but he’s still got this weird vein (heh) of “You should date me, I’m a Nice Guy” going for him. The whole “I’m not gonna date you”/”You need to get over that” thing didn’t set right with me. I just…I don’t know! Work harder, Jeremy, I could like you without a great deal of effort. (Also, the guy playing Jeremy? Steve McQueen’s grandson.)

Jeremy! Do not fight secret werewolves! Also his dad’s the mayor!

Mr. Tanner: still a douche! And when Something Happens around ep 5-6, I will probably be cackling. That said, I do agree with him: parenting isn’t *supposed* to be easy, especially when you’re a grad student inheriting your older sister’s teenage kids.

The Gilberts drove off the Wickery Bridge! Yay! Yes, I’m going to be obnoxiously happy when they get the names of things and/or places right. Shut up, the town is now named “Mystic Falls”. Give me my temporary victory.

The comet didn’t curse the town, causing bloodshed! The town was the site of a particularly vicious battle during the Civil War! Also, the woods are evil! And the town is built on ley lines! (No, really.)

Matt is the weirdest combination of bland and emo I’ve ever seen. Seriously, *book* Matt isn’t this emo over Elena. (TV!Matt + Stefan = Edward Cullen. THINK ABOUT IT.)

The Salvatore Boardinghouse is the creepiest fucking boardinghouse in America. Zach! Invest in eco-friendly outdoor lights! Maybe put in bigger windows. An ancient house should not be scarier during the day.

DAMON SALVATORE: STILL NOT A BIRD

I like that Damon has apparently trained his familiar to do jump scares. [sits bird down to watch the Saw movies] “See that? Just—do that every time.”

See, Stefan? You go for brooding and emo; your brother, who routinely eats people, kisses girls’ hands and is charming and charismatic. I’m not saying you should go back to eating people, I’m just saying you could be a wee bit more personable. And maybe kiss Elena’s hand! Damon did. And Damon, let us never forget, eats people.

“I’m a fatalist.” Ahahahahahaa.

TV!Bonnie…sort of sucks, you guys. I know! It fucking kills me to admit it, because Bonnie is my favorite EVAR, but she’s all “blah blah blah I’m a witch and I hang out with Caroline and I make slurs against transsexuals”. I want to like you, Bonnie! Mostly because I don’t know that I’ll be able to enjoy you cracking werewolf-Tyler with a bat as much if I think you’re a pain in the ass.

(That said, Bonnie giving Stefan Elena’s cellphone number and email? Kind of awesome. I like you for six seconds, Bonnie. Keep it up.)

I didn’t really get a good look at the vampire makeup last week, but now that I’ve seen it OH MY GOD THAT’S FUCKED UP. SERIOUSLY.

I get why Tyler and Matt are hanging out (kind of), and Elena and Caroline (kind of), but why the fuck is Elena near Tyler? Elena *hates* Tyler. Elena takes Tyler to the masquerade dance to piss off Stefan, who takes Carol—wait. No, Gale, that’s the *books*. Focus.

(Ewwwwwwwwwwww, Tyler Smallwood.)

Caroline being vexed = WIN. Tyler being rebuffed by Vicki = BIGGER WIN. Jeremy implying Tyler date-raped Vicki = SADLY, CANON. (He attempts to do it to several people, anyway.)

Vicki: I know you.
Damon: That’s unfortunate.
Me: [giggles]

Bonnie claiming to be related to “freaky Salem witch chicks”: Okay, A) way to marginalize witches, Bonnie, thanks; B) if the name “Tituba” comes up, Julie Plec better send me those two bucks she owes me. (See below.)

Okay, what the fuck? Who’s the music supervisor for this show? Because last week it was all “woooo The Fray” and “woooooo Katy Perry”, and then BAM! Placebo’s version of Running Up That Hill. This week: song I don’t know, other song I don’t know, third song I don’t know—WHAT THE FUCK, ARE THEY PLAYING DRAGONETTE? AND THEY WERE. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK, SHOW.

(Dragonette: Canadian electropop band. The song is “I Get Around”. Google Mediafire for it. In my head, Adam Lambert has Dragonette on his iPod. AND SO HE SHOULD. I AM NOT CERTAIN HE DOESN’T.)

MEREDITH SULEZ: STILL AMONG THE MISSING

I kind of like Vicki better not crazy for the rest of the show until she gets brutally murdered four books in. I could deal with Vicki/Jeremy, as long as Jeremy starts backing off a little. (Also, the woman who plays Vicki? Kind of hot, I’m not gonna lie.)

“Not bad. Have you been eating bunnies?” Ahahahahahahaha. Sadly, probably yes. Also deer!

I keep frowning at the way Stefan and Damon phrase stuff, but then it kicked in: taller, not from Italy. Then my problems magically vanished. Damon with Vicki on the roof, casually telling her “shhh, shhh, I’m not gonna drop you”? Is fucked up. But it’s totally in character, which makes me think someone on the writing staff actually read the goddamn books. (Also, ten bucks says Ian did. I know Paul did. SOMEONE LET DAMON DRIVE A FERRARI.)

Damon's Plan A: Torment Stefan for eternity.
Damon's Plan B: "I liked you more when you ate people, as I do. You should go back to that."

I’m not saying the incest is canon! I’m just saying they probably both ate the same person. More than once. And vampires, canonically, cannot have sex in this verse. SO. YOU KNOW. LA LA LA.

Aunt Jenna called Tanner an asshat! Julie Plec should give me a dollar, I say that all the time.

Stefan and Elena’s first kiss happening after a comet passes by: not the lamest thing ever associated with this series. (No. That would be “Bonnie almost being raped to death by tree-men”. Seriously, you guys should go read the books, I’m not lying about word one of this.)

Damon/Caroline: AHAHAHAHAHAHA. If I had a cat, I’d’ve laughed so hard I scared it. “You’re cocky.” “Very.” Go home and have amnesia!sex—-

--OHHHHHHHHHH AND THEN. Damon was going down on Caroline (ew, but not surprising) when he REARED UP AND BIT HER, OKAY. HORRIFYING ORAL SEX FOR THE MOTHERFUCKING WIN.
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