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Oh, man, you guys, it's gonna be one of those nights.
1) In brief: Damon banged Rebekah, Stefan's all emo, Elena's all emo, Caroline shot down Klaus, Bonnie was sleeping it off, Alaric's still in the hospital, Matt's got a crushed hand and no health insurance, and everyone knows about like two of these things AT BEST. You guys, for real: families on this show are amazing, but they are also total dicks.
2) "If you're mad at me, Damon, you need to get over it." Which would normally be a perfectly good argument, but for real: it's Damon. Have you met him, Elena? Are you new? Captain Emotional Appeal is not gonna go for this.
3) Elena! You do not get to be mad Damon slept with someone who wasn't you! You are not actually his girlfriend! You can be horrified it was Rebekah, because she tried to murder you like two days ago, but half of your complaining seems to be boy-based and not attempted-murder-based.
4) "Maybe for once, something I did had nothing to do with you." Ahahahahahahahahhaha. Now, I happen to believe that Damon literally found Rebekah to be the nearest lady vampire he could bang, but like a quarter of that was to piss off Elena. Just not the major motivating factor. See? Multitasking!
5) The Originals, on their own, are sort of awesome. Though Kol is still the biggest dick I have seen in three years of this show. Based off of two episodes. That is impressive.
6) Ahahahahahahahahaha Damon Salvatore, vampire gigolo.
7) Sooooooo Esther's channeling the power of the entire Bennett bloodline? No, that won't end poorly at all.
8) Caroline popping her head in to repeatedly tell Bonnie the sage privacy spell isn't working and simultaneously look at Elena like she's high is the funniest thing I've seen in like three weeks.
9) Hey! Does anyone else remember there is a GODDAMNED SERIAL KILLER RUNNING AROUND? Because that is also happening!
10) Elena. You live in Mystic Falls. I like Elijah too, but you know where I would not go with him willingly? The fucking cursed woods.
11) I have been waiting like three years for a vampire to call a human out for lying based on their heartbeat speeding up, and it was just as sweet as I thought it'd be.
12) Aaaaaand Elijah's little bit about admiring the qualities in Elena that he liked in girls before he was a vampire was basically confirmation that he likes her. He's not stupid over her like the Salvatores, but he likes her. (I still say he was a little sweet on Katerina.)
13) --that said, he will totally murder her if he has to, because you do not break a thousand years old without being able to get shit done.
14) Mystic Falls is built on a series of caves! This...actually makes sense if you read the books, though that was caves connected by the Fell family crypt ANYWAY. Nice touch.
15) Elijah kicking a hole in the earth is just as impressive as that time he used quarters to bomb a Starbucks. Not even sarcastic! That was just really well done.
16) "Too busy with all this Original sex you're having?" Why does the phone tree only work with gossip and not, I don't know, MURDER ATTEMPTS?
17) I--the Elena-and-Rebekah thing puts me in a weird position. I honestly agree with Elena: she didn't set out to kill anyone but Klaus, and she feels bad for daggering Rebekah--but not so bad she wishes she hadn't done it. Rebekah, for her part, is hurt that Elena did that to her, and pissed that her mother wants her dead. Also, Rebekah is kind of acting like a bitch? But she's also right in that the entire world bends over backwards for Elena Gilbert? UGH THIS SHOW, I REMEMBER WHEN I COULD PICK AN HONEST TO GOD SIDE.
18) I love that Damon's backup plan is "have Alaric dagger an Original, on the off chance it works". I would also like to point out that Mr. Saltzman is, in fact, two for two re: daggering Originals. One more and I think he medals.
19) Oh, ow, Caroline, do not distract Klaus! I hate this part of the plan! HE THINKS YOU ARE PRETTY, OKAY.
20) That said, while I have totally downed the Caroline/Klaus Kool-Aid, I like that she knows herself well enough to not just like him. She still loves Tyler! And kind of thinks Klaus is an asshole! As well she should, because he has not done the necessary work!
That said--
"I'm too smart to be seduced by you."
"That's why I like you."
I BELIEVE HIM, OH GOD, I HATE EVERYTHING
21) I will give Elena Gilbert this: she's not dumb. Rebekah gets temporarily sidelined by a mass daggering? Beat feet and end up in the Mikaelson anti-vampire cave. AWESOME.
22) "You know what [Bonnie] would choose." Which...just makes the end of the episode worse, actually, and is one of the main reasons people hating Bonnie confuses the shit out of me. But more on that in a second.
23) On The Vampire Diaries, true love consists of which vampire boyfriend is gonna bust out the nuclear option and murder Our Heroine's witch best friend and said best friend's mom. This shit does not happen in Twilight. And if it did, unless it involved Alice or Jasper, I WOULD NOT CARE. (I have a lot of Jasper and Alice feels. Shut up.)
24) I have said it before, I will say it again and continue saying it: Rebekah is the Damon of her family. They are both self-destructive, prone to irrational emotional outbursts, and REALLY FUCKING FOND OF FIRE JESUS GOD.
(That said, it's a nice touch, reminiscent of that time Elijah was straight going to tear down the Gilbert lake house so Elena couldn't hide inside it. Originals do not mess around, so much.)
25) Also, this is a show where a woman straight-faced does not feel bad she is going to murder her five adult children. Witches: hardcore since the dawn of time, apparently.
26) Aaaaaaaaaaand then Damon neatly sidesteps the whole "killing Bonnie" issue by MAKING HER MOM A VAMPIRE, JESUS CHRIST, SALVATORE.
27) Oh, ow. Caroline telling Bonnie, very politely, to stay away from Bonnie right now while her mom's in transition? Ow ow ow.
28) "Somehow [Bonnie's] the one who always gets hurt."
And see, that's--that's why I don't get why people don't like Bonnie. Sheila--and Lucy, for that matter--weren't wrong, when they told her to stay out of vampire business; witches always get hurt. Bonnie lost her grandma because she was helping Damon; she lost her mom because Elena needed to be saved. And she gets through it because she has to, because there is one goddamn witch in Mystic Falls and it's her, never mind that we are currently rampant with vampires considering we started with two. And all she ever really gets is people asking her to do more stuff for her. That's--you guys, no. Come on. Get an apprentice in there. Matt! Might take your mind off your crushed hand!
29) Okay, brief mildly serious sidebar: can we stop it already? Stop emotionally tormenting Bonnie, stop physically torturing Caroline, and stop killing Alaric. Seriously, one day the three of them are gonna grab Matt on the way out and just fucking leave town forever, and then a certain weirdly incestuous vampire/doppelganger threesome is going to be shit out of luck. And I say that as someone who loves everyone on this show.
30) Damon's weirdly not-quite-OCD hand washing, complete with carting around his tumbler of scotch and fastidious getting-under-the-ring bit, is never not going to delight me.
31) "Spend 146 years with someone, you kind of pick up on their tells." For all that they keep bitching at each other, you really don't get a sense that Damon and Stefan hate each other right now. I don't know, you guys, the Salvatores are still like four times as messed up as the Winchesters. The CW has a fucked-up sliding scale for this shit.
32) --and again, unsurprising: Damon will always take the hit re: being the bad guy. I would pay real money for everyone on this goddamn show to get like ten years of therapy, because they all need it. Desperately. Damon! No! Old patterns! Stefan going back to the hair shirt isn't any better! WHY DO I LOVE YOU MORONS SO MUCH?
33) Oh, man, Elijah wrote Elena an actual note of apology for kidnapping her and holding her hostage. I officially feel awful for those weird three weeks I hated him when he first showed up.
34) "We are better than they are!" Soooooo by show math, three seasons from now Rebekah is going to be one of my favorites? 'kay, just checking. (Seriously, girl!Damon.)
35) I am not at all sorry to see Kol go, and I hope when Finn comes back he brings a personality with him other than "stalking goat", but--seriously, Elijah. Come back whenever, honey. Frequently. Just to screw with people! You can renovate Klaus' ridiculous mansion! You have a last name now! You write apology notes for attempted murder! YOU ARE KIND OF MY FAVORITE, SIR.
36) Oh, God, was Klaus burning his sketches of Caroline? WHY DO I CRY AT THIS SHOW EVERY WEEK DEAR CHRIST.
37) --yeah, the whole "there's another white oak tree!" thing was sort of anti-climactic? I mean, this is a show where Zach's response to Damon destroying all the vervain in the state 150+ years before was to build a grow room for it like he was supplying weed for the state of Virginia, so.
38) "You weren't supposed to see that." And then MEREDITH IS THE SERIAL KILLER SHE SHOOT RIC OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT.
Like--I was 45 percent sure it was her? (I am legitimately still not convinced Katherine is not in on this somehow.) And if they go the book route and make her a hunter/slayer or a dhampir or something, her shooting Ric would just make the world's most overworked ring ex machina kick in for the fourteenth time THIS WEEK--seriously, people, just stop murdering Alaric Saltzman--so that would be tolerable, but what I am mostly taking from this is that WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT NOT KILLING ALARIC ANYMORE.
Next week: No next week! We are off until March 15, actually, where we come back with apparently no one knowing Alaric's been murdered again, and meet Sage--and get ready, because I will be bitching up a storm with that one, you guys. (I have complicated Sage feelings. Get used to them, I have built them a wing.) Also, it's a flashback episode, so you know what that means: TERRIBLE WIGS FOR IAN SOMERHALDER. Everyone wins!
Tuesday, March 15, 8 PM EST.
1) In brief: Damon banged Rebekah, Stefan's all emo, Elena's all emo, Caroline shot down Klaus, Bonnie was sleeping it off, Alaric's still in the hospital, Matt's got a crushed hand and no health insurance, and everyone knows about like two of these things AT BEST. You guys, for real: families on this show are amazing, but they are also total dicks.
2) "If you're mad at me, Damon, you need to get over it." Which would normally be a perfectly good argument, but for real: it's Damon. Have you met him, Elena? Are you new? Captain Emotional Appeal is not gonna go for this.
3) Elena! You do not get to be mad Damon slept with someone who wasn't you! You are not actually his girlfriend! You can be horrified it was Rebekah, because she tried to murder you like two days ago, but half of your complaining seems to be boy-based and not attempted-murder-based.
4) "Maybe for once, something I did had nothing to do with you." Ahahahahahahahahhaha. Now, I happen to believe that Damon literally found Rebekah to be the nearest lady vampire he could bang, but like a quarter of that was to piss off Elena. Just not the major motivating factor. See? Multitasking!
5) The Originals, on their own, are sort of awesome. Though Kol is still the biggest dick I have seen in three years of this show. Based off of two episodes. That is impressive.
6) Ahahahahahahahahaha Damon Salvatore, vampire gigolo.
7) Sooooooo Esther's channeling the power of the entire Bennett bloodline? No, that won't end poorly at all.
8) Caroline popping her head in to repeatedly tell Bonnie the sage privacy spell isn't working and simultaneously look at Elena like she's high is the funniest thing I've seen in like three weeks.
9) Hey! Does anyone else remember there is a GODDAMNED SERIAL KILLER RUNNING AROUND? Because that is also happening!
10) Elena. You live in Mystic Falls. I like Elijah too, but you know where I would not go with him willingly? The fucking cursed woods.
11) I have been waiting like three years for a vampire to call a human out for lying based on their heartbeat speeding up, and it was just as sweet as I thought it'd be.
12) Aaaaaand Elijah's little bit about admiring the qualities in Elena that he liked in girls before he was a vampire was basically confirmation that he likes her. He's not stupid over her like the Salvatores, but he likes her. (I still say he was a little sweet on Katerina.)
13) --that said, he will totally murder her if he has to, because you do not break a thousand years old without being able to get shit done.
14) Mystic Falls is built on a series of caves! This...actually makes sense if you read the books, though that was caves connected by the Fell family crypt ANYWAY. Nice touch.
15) Elijah kicking a hole in the earth is just as impressive as that time he used quarters to bomb a Starbucks. Not even sarcastic! That was just really well done.
16) "Too busy with all this Original sex you're having?" Why does the phone tree only work with gossip and not, I don't know, MURDER ATTEMPTS?
17) I--the Elena-and-Rebekah thing puts me in a weird position. I honestly agree with Elena: she didn't set out to kill anyone but Klaus, and she feels bad for daggering Rebekah--but not so bad she wishes she hadn't done it. Rebekah, for her part, is hurt that Elena did that to her, and pissed that her mother wants her dead. Also, Rebekah is kind of acting like a bitch? But she's also right in that the entire world bends over backwards for Elena Gilbert? UGH THIS SHOW, I REMEMBER WHEN I COULD PICK AN HONEST TO GOD SIDE.
18) I love that Damon's backup plan is "have Alaric dagger an Original, on the off chance it works". I would also like to point out that Mr. Saltzman is, in fact, two for two re: daggering Originals. One more and I think he medals.
19) Oh, ow, Caroline, do not distract Klaus! I hate this part of the plan! HE THINKS YOU ARE PRETTY, OKAY.
20) That said, while I have totally downed the Caroline/Klaus Kool-Aid, I like that she knows herself well enough to not just like him. She still loves Tyler! And kind of thinks Klaus is an asshole! As well she should, because he has not done the necessary work!
That said--
"I'm too smart to be seduced by you."
"That's why I like you."
I BELIEVE HIM, OH GOD, I HATE EVERYTHING
21) I will give Elena Gilbert this: she's not dumb. Rebekah gets temporarily sidelined by a mass daggering? Beat feet and end up in the Mikaelson anti-vampire cave. AWESOME.
22) "You know what [Bonnie] would choose." Which...just makes the end of the episode worse, actually, and is one of the main reasons people hating Bonnie confuses the shit out of me. But more on that in a second.
23) On The Vampire Diaries, true love consists of which vampire boyfriend is gonna bust out the nuclear option and murder Our Heroine's witch best friend and said best friend's mom. This shit does not happen in Twilight. And if it did, unless it involved Alice or Jasper, I WOULD NOT CARE. (I have a lot of Jasper and Alice feels. Shut up.)
24) I have said it before, I will say it again and continue saying it: Rebekah is the Damon of her family. They are both self-destructive, prone to irrational emotional outbursts, and REALLY FUCKING FOND OF FIRE JESUS GOD.
(That said, it's a nice touch, reminiscent of that time Elijah was straight going to tear down the Gilbert lake house so Elena couldn't hide inside it. Originals do not mess around, so much.)
25) Also, this is a show where a woman straight-faced does not feel bad she is going to murder her five adult children. Witches: hardcore since the dawn of time, apparently.
26) Aaaaaaaaaaand then Damon neatly sidesteps the whole "killing Bonnie" issue by MAKING HER MOM A VAMPIRE, JESUS CHRIST, SALVATORE.
27) Oh, ow. Caroline telling Bonnie, very politely, to stay away from Bonnie right now while her mom's in transition? Ow ow ow.
28) "Somehow [Bonnie's] the one who always gets hurt."
And see, that's--that's why I don't get why people don't like Bonnie. Sheila--and Lucy, for that matter--weren't wrong, when they told her to stay out of vampire business; witches always get hurt. Bonnie lost her grandma because she was helping Damon; she lost her mom because Elena needed to be saved. And she gets through it because she has to, because there is one goddamn witch in Mystic Falls and it's her, never mind that we are currently rampant with vampires considering we started with two. And all she ever really gets is people asking her to do more stuff for her. That's--you guys, no. Come on. Get an apprentice in there. Matt! Might take your mind off your crushed hand!
29) Okay, brief mildly serious sidebar: can we stop it already? Stop emotionally tormenting Bonnie, stop physically torturing Caroline, and stop killing Alaric. Seriously, one day the three of them are gonna grab Matt on the way out and just fucking leave town forever, and then a certain weirdly incestuous vampire/doppelganger threesome is going to be shit out of luck. And I say that as someone who loves everyone on this show.
30) Damon's weirdly not-quite-OCD hand washing, complete with carting around his tumbler of scotch and fastidious getting-under-the-ring bit, is never not going to delight me.
31) "Spend 146 years with someone, you kind of pick up on their tells." For all that they keep bitching at each other, you really don't get a sense that Damon and Stefan hate each other right now. I don't know, you guys, the Salvatores are still like four times as messed up as the Winchesters. The CW has a fucked-up sliding scale for this shit.
32) --and again, unsurprising: Damon will always take the hit re: being the bad guy. I would pay real money for everyone on this goddamn show to get like ten years of therapy, because they all need it. Desperately. Damon! No! Old patterns! Stefan going back to the hair shirt isn't any better! WHY DO I LOVE YOU MORONS SO MUCH?
33) Oh, man, Elijah wrote Elena an actual note of apology for kidnapping her and holding her hostage. I officially feel awful for those weird three weeks I hated him when he first showed up.
34) "We are better than they are!" Soooooo by show math, three seasons from now Rebekah is going to be one of my favorites? 'kay, just checking. (Seriously, girl!Damon.)
35) I am not at all sorry to see Kol go, and I hope when Finn comes back he brings a personality with him other than "stalking goat", but--seriously, Elijah. Come back whenever, honey. Frequently. Just to screw with people! You can renovate Klaus' ridiculous mansion! You have a last name now! You write apology notes for attempted murder! YOU ARE KIND OF MY FAVORITE, SIR.
36) Oh, God, was Klaus burning his sketches of Caroline? WHY DO I CRY AT THIS SHOW EVERY WEEK DEAR CHRIST.
37) --yeah, the whole "there's another white oak tree!" thing was sort of anti-climactic? I mean, this is a show where Zach's response to Damon destroying all the vervain in the state 150+ years before was to build a grow room for it like he was supplying weed for the state of Virginia, so.
38) "You weren't supposed to see that." And then MEREDITH IS THE SERIAL KILLER SHE SHOOT RIC OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT.
Like--I was 45 percent sure it was her? (I am legitimately still not convinced Katherine is not in on this somehow.) And if they go the book route and make her a hunter/slayer or a dhampir or something, her shooting Ric would just make the world's most overworked ring ex machina kick in for the fourteenth time THIS WEEK--seriously, people, just stop murdering Alaric Saltzman--so that would be tolerable, but what I am mostly taking from this is that WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT NOT KILLING ALARIC ANYMORE.
Next week: No next week! We are off until March 15, actually, where we come back with apparently no one knowing Alaric's been murdered again, and meet Sage--and get ready, because I will be bitching up a storm with that one, you guys. (I have complicated Sage feelings. Get used to them, I have built them a wing.) Also, it's a flashback episode, so you know what that means: TERRIBLE WIGS FOR IAN SOMERHALDER. Everyone wins!
Tuesday, March 15, 8 PM EST.
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But! Isn't Meredith 100% not supernatural? This had better not stick.
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OTOH...dear show, it's kind of late to be getting afraid of homoerotic overtones, I'm just sayin'. Love, Me.
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And I'm sure it'll be fine, because TV!Klaus has grown on me even though he is legitimately *nothing* like book!Klaus, but. Yeah. Mildly disappointed.
I am still holding out hope on Matt speaking Esperanto, though.