Sometimes, you just have the kind of week that ends with needing to see the movie where people kill Nazis. This has been one of those weeks.

* Critics keep saying that the movie’s too long, but I didn’t think so. Of course, I’m one of about four people who didn’t think Death Proof was too wordy, so you can’t go by me.

* Everyone talks about the end of the movie, at the premiere of Nation’s Pride, but no one mentions the tavern. That’s—you know what it is? That’s the House of Blue Flowers against Elle vs. The Bride: both are badass, but only one gets all the press.

* Christophe Waltz as Colonel Landa should be a much bigger star, especially here in the States, than he is. Dear Hollywood: pls to be fixing immediately. I’m not gonna lie; I’m not that upset with how his whole arc turned out. “...and I would like a house on Nantucket Sound.”

* It’s sort of really fucking hot to see BJ Novak casually scalping dead Nazis.

* Things I did not know before today: back in the day, film stock was made out of nitrate, which was three times more flammable than paper. You actually couldn’t bring it on public transport for fear it would burn shit down.

* Samuel L. Jackson as the Narrator and Harvey Keitel as the Basterds’ commanding officer, via the phone: WIN. So that’s…every movie but Dogs for Jackson, then. Wait, no, he wasn’t in DP.

* Hugo! Hugo Stiglitz is my second favorite character, and gets a title card. He also gets to shoot off a Nazi officer’s testicles. You guys, he killed 13 Nazis *before* they broke him out of prison! He is awesome! I wish you had lived, Hugo!

* Dude, fucking Zoeller. “Ooooh, look at me. I killed 300 Allied soldiers in Italy and am letting Joseph Goebbels turn me into a propaganda film star, but I’m really not so bad, Frenchwoman! Except that I TOTALLY AM.” (Though, again, Daniel Bruhl is great, and I hope he goes on to be much bigger than he is.)

* While I have no real opinion of Diane Kruger beyond “oh my God, you’re dating Joshua Jackson, so PERHAPS YOU HAVE NOTICED HOW HOT HE IS”, Bridget von Hammersmark? KICKASS. Works undercover for the British! Shoots Nazis! Acquits herself fairly well with Brad Pitt sticking a finger in her wound. She is no Zoe Bell, but she’s all right.

* Note to self: if you ever have to pose as a Nazi, possibly via some complicated plot involving time travel, do not use hand gestures. They’re more colloquial and can give you away. Just speak German and look bored and self-assured.

* The little Basterd who goes with Donny and poses as his assistant = Vanessa Ferlito’s hookup from DP, except his face is chubbier in this one. “You got two jobs: kiss good, and make sure my hair don’t get wet.” OH HOW I WISH.

* I liked Brad Pitt in this! I—-okay, look: I have no real opinion of Brad Pitt. He’s like tofu, to me, or Eric Bana. I can admit that Bana and Pitt are attractive and talented and awesome, and that tofu is good for you, but none of ‘em do the slightest bit for me.

Aldo the Apache, now, is great. Hails from Tennessee! He’s part Apache, hence the name! He is not really kidding about those scalps! Casually eats a sandwich while a Nazi gets beaten to death!

* And now, my favorite part: ELI ROTH, HOW ARE YOU SO GODDAMNED HOT? YOU FUCKING CUT THAT OUT IMMEDIATELY, SIR.

NoW, I’ve mentioned before that I find Eli Roth hot, okay? He’s kind of arrogant, but he has Definite Opinions about Asian cinema, and he’s a horror geek; he’s also a pretty good writer and director. And now, you can add Total Fucking Hotass to this list because oh my God. Oh my GOD.

The Bear Jew! The Bear Jew may or may not be some kind of Golem! (He is not. He is, however, 6’2” of pissed off Jewish boy from New York, wearing an undershirt and staving in Nazi heads with a baseball bat. “I’m not gonna lie: watchin’ Donny kill Nazis is the closest we get to goin’ to the movies.”) He wears Nazi insignia like little kill trophies around his neck and has maybe a dozen lines in the whole movie; most of it is physical presence. He looks killer in a tux! He says “champagne?” like Christopher Walken as The Continental, and gets to fucking murder Hitler. The Bear Jew is totally allowed in the Mexican Zombie Standoff Paradise, is what I'm saying.

(Yes, this is an AU. Hitler, Goebbels, Goering and Bormann all die in a Paris theatre in 1944, either from gunshot wounds, fire, or smoke inhalation.)

Also—and I really don’t think this was intentional—I would pay real money for fic where Aldo and Donny occasionally had sex. SHUT UP, IT’S BRAD PITT AND ELI ROTH. If you can write Band of Brothers slash, you can write this, internet. (Dear Internet: don’t you fucking tempt me. Two more viewings and some screencaps and I just might.) (Alternately: Donny/Hugo. SERIOUSLY, SOMEONE GET ON THIS.)

Wholehearted, resounding yes. If you haven’t seen a Tarentino movie before, this is maybe not the one to start with, but if you have—or if you’ve had the kind of week that can only be redeemed by a lot of dead Nazis—see this. Immediately. It’s a catharsis.

Dear Internet: LET’S START TALKING ABOUT ELI ROTH, WHAT DO YOU SAY.
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