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1) I have to say, I really like that three seasons in, TVD has taken the HP-film version of attracting new viewers: "You know what, the first two seasons are on DVD. You can get caught up over a 3-day weekend. I am not slowing down for your ass. CATCH THE FUCK UP."
It's not being mean; it just doesn't slow the rest of us down so the new kids aren't lost. It assumes we all did the reading. I just--I don't know. I appreciate that.
2) BONNIE BENNETT I MISSED YOU. I--okay, seriously, someone answer me this in comments: how do people not like Bonnie? I mean, I love Damon, but I realize people have very real reasons for hating his ass. But Bonnie? Wh--why don't you like Bonnie? I mean, all she's done is save half the cast, fight Klaus (and win, motherfucker), have occasionally awful taste in guys, and learn to handle her magical powers. Yeah, you know, that's all goddamn awful. I totally hate her ass bOH WAIT NO.
3) Something to consider: Even now, people still trust Stefan--murder spree, Klaus' beffie Stefan--more than they do Damon. That's just because they don't know what Stefan's doing; they didn't clean up after Stefan's cross-country mutilation tour. Alaric did, and he's always trusted Damon more anyway; Bonnie would maybe not be so surprised, because Bonnie hates and distrusts all vampires that aren't Caroline (and even her, a little, I think). This is because Bonnie and Alaric are the smartest people on the show.
4) Good to know that however old you are, human or not, dudes get bored really fast watching girls shop. (Except Klaus, hilariously.)
5) "I forgot. You're bad now." Said with the saddest little eyeroll, because Katherine has no time for poseurs, and Stefan--who will inevitably enter his shame spiral at some point--counts. Katherine, remember, doesn't regret shit.
6) "There's gonna be like nine other people that brought chili." True. Always true. Also, six people will bring hot dogs but no one will bring buns, and someone will start a fight over who brought what and how much everyone owes them for plastic cups.
7) "It's an old family recipe."
"Yeah, I knew your old family. They made sucky chili."
Ahahahahahahahahahaha. "My dad hated vampires too. Only it was 1864; people knew how to whittle."
8) Anna! I love having Kayla back, you guys, but I'm pretty sure that's not Vicki, and the only relationship of Jeremy's I ever really gave a shit about was with Anna.
9) "So Mayor Lockwood called your gay ex-husband to take care of your vampire daughter." Why don't we let Damon recap shit more often, you guys?
10) Question answered: Liz has kept Bill locked up in the Forbes Room of Terrible Requirement since last episode. (So, you know, a day.)
11) SHUT UP MAYBE I SHIP REBEKAH/GLORIA NOW YOU DON'T KNOW.
12) "I'll let you pick who we eat." --okay, I'm not trying to be a Klaus/Stefan shipper, but for real, if that is not canon, I will eat someone's shoe. That was some "Damon, come on, just eat this one bar wench" shit, for real.
13) As soon as Bill started in with the "people can train themselves to do most anything" talk, I pretty much called that compulsion wasn't going to work.
14) "No one's changing Damon." Which, well, no, change only works if it comes from within, but at this point I sort of want a bullet-point diagram as to how they're going to make me root for Damon and Elena, because HOLY SHITBALLS YOU ASSHOLE aaaaaand I'm getting ahead of myself.
15) "Where's he going?"
"To write a name on a wall. It's a long story."
Ugh internal continuity let me hold you tight and pet your haaaaaair.
16) "Founders' parties are just an excuse for the Council to get together and plot." Explains why you have Founders'-related shit like every three days.
17) Oh, Jeremy. "Don't mind me! Just sneaking into the Lockwood house and shutting the French doors to the dining area to talk to my dead girlfriend! Totally subtle! I'M NOT GOING CRAZY WHY DO YOU ASK."
18) Fun fact: ghosts--or at least Anna--can now touch Jeremy. Get on that, fanfic.
19) I am totally calling it now: that's not Vicki. It's something wearing her face.
20) Seriously, only on this show is there a really good chance that if someone's half-naked, he's also getting tortured.
21) Oh my God show, do we need to have the talk about voodoo that we did when you said Bonnie's grandma taught Occult at the college?
22) What the hell? Who are the other, like, three people in the Council meeting? I'm guessing one of 'em is a Fell, but other than that, just--randoms. That is gonna bug the hell out of me.
23) You know, considering how many of them regularly torture people and sling around curses and make shady deals with vampires, a bunch of dead witches being cheesed Bonnie brought her boyfriend back from the dead seems disingenuous at best.
24) "Well, this is creepy." Aaaaaand then Katherine snaps Gloria's neck, because very occasionally I am honestly glad to see Katherine Pierce.
25) I'm guessing the Hunter is the "Michael" Rebekah mentions later, aka Sebastian Roche, aka The Internet Has Decided He's Probably Their Dad. (Or someone's dad; remember, Klaus had a different father, and we have no idea how long werewolves live.)
26) AND THEN IT MOTHERFUCKING HAPPENS:
"Step aside."
"Not gonna happen."
"Your temporary funeral."
And then DAMON SNAPS ALARIC'S NECK. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK, SALVATORE.
Like--okay. I give him a lot of leeway; more than I should, truthfully, because Damon is still a man-shaped shark. I forgot that. That's on me. Ric didn't forget; Ric never forget. I don't think he can forget the first time he saw Damon: cradling Isobel's body, blood on his mouth. You don't forget that. But he got past it, somehow, and made friends with him. He made friends with the guy who turned his wife (and slept with her); he made friends with the guy who killed him, once. And yeah, okay, that was almost fair, or as close as you get in Mystic Falls, because he'd been trying to kill Damon at the time. Bought for, paid, the scales balanced.
This isn't that. This is Damon, in a fit of pique, murdering someone. This is the same shit Damon did last year, when he snapped Jeremy's neck. (He does seem to favor the neck snape when he's in a mood, doesn't he?) This is Damon killing his best friend because said best friend tried to get him to cool out slightly. And he doesn't even get that it's wrong.
Elena. Honey. Do the responsible thing: choose yourself.
27) "It's good to want things, Katherine." Okay, like we all didn't know Katherine was going to pull some shit and find out anyway, but for real, that was awesome.
28) "Do you want me to kick his ass?" I know it's gonna end in tears--three years in, I'd better know that--but if you'd told me in 2009 I'd be all for Caroline and Tyler to be in a lasting relationship, I'd have punched you in the temple. Really hard.
29) "I figured you weren't self-destructive enough to do something stupid like kill the sheriff's ex-husband."
"That makes you the third person to underestimate me today."
30) And then OH SHIT Y'ALL Caroline comes in and KICKS DAMON'S ASS. You guys, if I smoked, I'd need a cigarette right now. That shit has been three years in coming; her chucking him down the hallway right after becoming a vampire was a warm-up round. (Oh, shit, what if this was a warm-up round? ALL THE HEARTS.) "I'm stronger, little girl." "I'm angrier!" BAM! Right into the wall. I need a .gif of that like the Fassbender scene from the Haywire trailer. UGH MEDIA SOMETIMES YOU ARE SO GOOD TO ME.
31) "I said I'm okay." "Grow up." God love you and keep you forever, Caroline Forbes. You are smarter than most of that town.
32) Damon doesn't seem to get it. They don't want him to be Stefan; I don't think John Varvatos makes a hair shirt. They just want him to not be an asshole. There is a wide swath in-between the two, fucker. LEARN IT.
33) "I only pop up when you're thinking about me." And my teeny ship-sinking heart went POP! In the good way!
34) "Say you can hear me, Jeremy, please. I'm all alone." And then I teared up again, because while I was never Anna's biggest fan, I can't imagine being alone and cold forever. You guys, she doesn't even have her mom. She always had her mom.
35) --okay, wait: the dagger that can "kill" Originals can't be wielded by a vampire or it'll kill them. So how the fuck did Klaus stab Rebekah in the 20s and not die himself? Is this gonna be one of those "how did Katherine get in the boardinghouse after Elena had the deed" things we're not gonna question?
36) And then Damon makes Alaric a drink (a screwdriver, I'm pretty sure) and jokes about the ring maybe getting weak because it took forever to come back from the dead this time, and then THIS HAPPENS:
Alaric: You killed me.
Damon: I was in a mood.
Alaric: YOU KILLED ME!
He doesn't get it. I think Ric was, in his own way, as confused as Elena is now; he never forgot Damon's a man-shaped shark, but he thought he was remembering. He thought he was making progress. And maybe he was, and maybe he wasn't, but--you guys, he never even apologizes. He never apologizes for breaking his best friend's neck.
And that was when I started fucking crying. Oh my God, Damon, you just FILED FOR LEGAL BROMANCE SEPARATION, AND I WANT TO GO LIVE WITH OTHER DAD.
37) --seriously: heartfelt apology, understanding you know what you did and that it was wrong, maybe a blowjob. At the least.
38) Stefan, you have really got to learn to lie. Either that, or go live in a cave, because you are goddamn terrible at it.
39) "Thank you for coming to my rescue." And for a second, I liked Bill Forbes, because he got it: that's what Caroline does. Caroline's still Caroline. She never stopped. If someone were to give her a sparkly little umbrella at prom that reads Class Protector, I would totally call it out for being a Buffy ripoff, but I'd be crying while I did it.
(Also, how awesome is it that on this show, a cute blonde teenage girl is the badass one who saves people? You learned from the best, you guys, and it shows.)
40) "I'll be okay."
"You're a vampire, sweetheart. I don't think you'll ever be okay again."
Well, that was over fast.
I don't care that he's fairly well-intentioned in terms of protecting the town; I don't care that I'm sure, in his own way, he meant it when he thanked Caroline for saving him. I don't care that he's gay, or that he left his wife, or that by all accounts his boyfriend Stephen is pretty cute and nice and smart. He's a man who just told his teenage daughter--his vampire teenage daughter--she will never be okay again, that there is something wrong with her from the bones on up. He can kick rocks and never come back again. Fuck you, Bill Forbes. Fuck you forever. Next time I hope your ex-wife doesn't miss left.
41) Alaric straight-up telling the Council he wants the Gilbert seat: WIN. "Your daughter is a vampire, and your son is a werewolf. There's no one in this town to look out for humans." Which is true, and desperately needed. This way we get a good balance between "letting Damon murder with impunity" and "rounding everyone up in a church and lighting it on fire". Middle ground, people! Did none of you see XMFC this summer? Middle ground!
I also love the implication that no one's telling the Fell family shit. Seriously, fuck those guys. They had their shot with Logan.
42) Katherine and Damon on a road trip! This...will end exactly how you're thinking, down to the murder victims and sport-fucking.
43) ELENA GILBERT OH MY GOD YOU LISTEN TO ME: That is not the guy you date. He might be some day, I don't doubt it's in him, but you just saw him murder his best friend. Last year, when you told him you loved Stefan and not him? He murdered your little brother. He treated one best friend like a fuckable snack bar and tried to kill the other one--actually, no, tried to kill both of them. THAT IS NOT THE BOY YOU DATE. That is the boy you imagine going down on you when you're out with Jeffrey from your math class who is inept with his hands but really really likes you! YOU ARE EIGHTEEN, I SHOULD NOT HAVE TO TELL YOU THIS.
44) Klaus and Stefan are back in Mystic Falls! This...will end a lot like the Katherine-and-Damon thing, I think, right down to the sport-fucking.
Next week: We learn that Elena Gilbert and the Salvatores should stay the fuck away from the high school football field in "The Reckoning".
It's not being mean; it just doesn't slow the rest of us down so the new kids aren't lost. It assumes we all did the reading. I just--I don't know. I appreciate that.
2) BONNIE BENNETT I MISSED YOU. I--okay, seriously, someone answer me this in comments: how do people not like Bonnie? I mean, I love Damon, but I realize people have very real reasons for hating his ass. But Bonnie? Wh--why don't you like Bonnie? I mean, all she's done is save half the cast, fight Klaus (and win, motherfucker), have occasionally awful taste in guys, and learn to handle her magical powers. Yeah, you know, that's all goddamn awful. I totally hate her ass bOH WAIT NO.
3) Something to consider: Even now, people still trust Stefan--murder spree, Klaus' beffie Stefan--more than they do Damon. That's just because they don't know what Stefan's doing; they didn't clean up after Stefan's cross-country mutilation tour. Alaric did, and he's always trusted Damon more anyway; Bonnie would maybe not be so surprised, because Bonnie hates and distrusts all vampires that aren't Caroline (and even her, a little, I think). This is because Bonnie and Alaric are the smartest people on the show.
4) Good to know that however old you are, human or not, dudes get bored really fast watching girls shop. (Except Klaus, hilariously.)
5) "I forgot. You're bad now." Said with the saddest little eyeroll, because Katherine has no time for poseurs, and Stefan--who will inevitably enter his shame spiral at some point--counts. Katherine, remember, doesn't regret shit.
6) "There's gonna be like nine other people that brought chili." True. Always true. Also, six people will bring hot dogs but no one will bring buns, and someone will start a fight over who brought what and how much everyone owes them for plastic cups.
7) "It's an old family recipe."
"Yeah, I knew your old family. They made sucky chili."
Ahahahahahahahahahaha. "My dad hated vampires too. Only it was 1864; people knew how to whittle."
8) Anna! I love having Kayla back, you guys, but I'm pretty sure that's not Vicki, and the only relationship of Jeremy's I ever really gave a shit about was with Anna.
9) "So Mayor Lockwood called your gay ex-husband to take care of your vampire daughter." Why don't we let Damon recap shit more often, you guys?
10) Question answered: Liz has kept Bill locked up in the Forbes Room of Terrible Requirement since last episode. (So, you know, a day.)
11) SHUT UP MAYBE I SHIP REBEKAH/GLORIA NOW YOU DON'T KNOW.
12) "I'll let you pick who we eat." --okay, I'm not trying to be a Klaus/Stefan shipper, but for real, if that is not canon, I will eat someone's shoe. That was some "Damon, come on, just eat this one bar wench" shit, for real.
13) As soon as Bill started in with the "people can train themselves to do most anything" talk, I pretty much called that compulsion wasn't going to work.
14) "No one's changing Damon." Which, well, no, change only works if it comes from within, but at this point I sort of want a bullet-point diagram as to how they're going to make me root for Damon and Elena, because HOLY SHITBALLS YOU ASSHOLE aaaaaand I'm getting ahead of myself.
15) "Where's he going?"
"To write a name on a wall. It's a long story."
Ugh internal continuity let me hold you tight and pet your haaaaaair.
16) "Founders' parties are just an excuse for the Council to get together and plot." Explains why you have Founders'-related shit like every three days.
17) Oh, Jeremy. "Don't mind me! Just sneaking into the Lockwood house and shutting the French doors to the dining area to talk to my dead girlfriend! Totally subtle! I'M NOT GOING CRAZY WHY DO YOU ASK."
18) Fun fact: ghosts--or at least Anna--can now touch Jeremy. Get on that, fanfic.
19) I am totally calling it now: that's not Vicki. It's something wearing her face.
20) Seriously, only on this show is there a really good chance that if someone's half-naked, he's also getting tortured.
21) Oh my God show, do we need to have the talk about voodoo that we did when you said Bonnie's grandma taught Occult at the college?
22) What the hell? Who are the other, like, three people in the Council meeting? I'm guessing one of 'em is a Fell, but other than that, just--randoms. That is gonna bug the hell out of me.
23) You know, considering how many of them regularly torture people and sling around curses and make shady deals with vampires, a bunch of dead witches being cheesed Bonnie brought her boyfriend back from the dead seems disingenuous at best.
24) "Well, this is creepy." Aaaaaand then Katherine snaps Gloria's neck, because very occasionally I am honestly glad to see Katherine Pierce.
25) I'm guessing the Hunter is the "Michael" Rebekah mentions later, aka Sebastian Roche, aka The Internet Has Decided He's Probably Their Dad. (Or someone's dad; remember, Klaus had a different father, and we have no idea how long werewolves live.)
26) AND THEN IT MOTHERFUCKING HAPPENS:
"Step aside."
"Not gonna happen."
"Your temporary funeral."
And then DAMON SNAPS ALARIC'S NECK. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK, SALVATORE.
Like--okay. I give him a lot of leeway; more than I should, truthfully, because Damon is still a man-shaped shark. I forgot that. That's on me. Ric didn't forget; Ric never forget. I don't think he can forget the first time he saw Damon: cradling Isobel's body, blood on his mouth. You don't forget that. But he got past it, somehow, and made friends with him. He made friends with the guy who turned his wife (and slept with her); he made friends with the guy who killed him, once. And yeah, okay, that was almost fair, or as close as you get in Mystic Falls, because he'd been trying to kill Damon at the time. Bought for, paid, the scales balanced.
This isn't that. This is Damon, in a fit of pique, murdering someone. This is the same shit Damon did last year, when he snapped Jeremy's neck. (He does seem to favor the neck snape when he's in a mood, doesn't he?) This is Damon killing his best friend because said best friend tried to get him to cool out slightly. And he doesn't even get that it's wrong.
Elena. Honey. Do the responsible thing: choose yourself.
27) "It's good to want things, Katherine." Okay, like we all didn't know Katherine was going to pull some shit and find out anyway, but for real, that was awesome.
28) "Do you want me to kick his ass?" I know it's gonna end in tears--three years in, I'd better know that--but if you'd told me in 2009 I'd be all for Caroline and Tyler to be in a lasting relationship, I'd have punched you in the temple. Really hard.
29) "I figured you weren't self-destructive enough to do something stupid like kill the sheriff's ex-husband."
"That makes you the third person to underestimate me today."
30) And then OH SHIT Y'ALL Caroline comes in and KICKS DAMON'S ASS. You guys, if I smoked, I'd need a cigarette right now. That shit has been three years in coming; her chucking him down the hallway right after becoming a vampire was a warm-up round. (Oh, shit, what if this was a warm-up round? ALL THE HEARTS.) "I'm stronger, little girl." "I'm angrier!" BAM! Right into the wall. I need a .gif of that like the Fassbender scene from the Haywire trailer. UGH MEDIA SOMETIMES YOU ARE SO GOOD TO ME.
31) "I said I'm okay." "Grow up." God love you and keep you forever, Caroline Forbes. You are smarter than most of that town.
32) Damon doesn't seem to get it. They don't want him to be Stefan; I don't think John Varvatos makes a hair shirt. They just want him to not be an asshole. There is a wide swath in-between the two, fucker. LEARN IT.
33) "I only pop up when you're thinking about me." And my teeny ship-sinking heart went POP! In the good way!
34) "Say you can hear me, Jeremy, please. I'm all alone." And then I teared up again, because while I was never Anna's biggest fan, I can't imagine being alone and cold forever. You guys, she doesn't even have her mom. She always had her mom.
35) --okay, wait: the dagger that can "kill" Originals can't be wielded by a vampire or it'll kill them. So how the fuck did Klaus stab Rebekah in the 20s and not die himself? Is this gonna be one of those "how did Katherine get in the boardinghouse after Elena had the deed" things we're not gonna question?
36) And then Damon makes Alaric a drink (a screwdriver, I'm pretty sure) and jokes about the ring maybe getting weak because it took forever to come back from the dead this time, and then THIS HAPPENS:
Alaric: You killed me.
Damon: I was in a mood.
Alaric: YOU KILLED ME!
He doesn't get it. I think Ric was, in his own way, as confused as Elena is now; he never forgot Damon's a man-shaped shark, but he thought he was remembering. He thought he was making progress. And maybe he was, and maybe he wasn't, but--you guys, he never even apologizes. He never apologizes for breaking his best friend's neck.
And that was when I started fucking crying. Oh my God, Damon, you just FILED FOR LEGAL BROMANCE SEPARATION, AND I WANT TO GO LIVE WITH OTHER DAD.
37) --seriously: heartfelt apology, understanding you know what you did and that it was wrong, maybe a blowjob. At the least.
38) Stefan, you have really got to learn to lie. Either that, or go live in a cave, because you are goddamn terrible at it.
39) "Thank you for coming to my rescue." And for a second, I liked Bill Forbes, because he got it: that's what Caroline does. Caroline's still Caroline. She never stopped. If someone were to give her a sparkly little umbrella at prom that reads Class Protector, I would totally call it out for being a Buffy ripoff, but I'd be crying while I did it.
(Also, how awesome is it that on this show, a cute blonde teenage girl is the badass one who saves people? You learned from the best, you guys, and it shows.)
40) "I'll be okay."
"You're a vampire, sweetheart. I don't think you'll ever be okay again."
Well, that was over fast.
I don't care that he's fairly well-intentioned in terms of protecting the town; I don't care that I'm sure, in his own way, he meant it when he thanked Caroline for saving him. I don't care that he's gay, or that he left his wife, or that by all accounts his boyfriend Stephen is pretty cute and nice and smart. He's a man who just told his teenage daughter--his vampire teenage daughter--she will never be okay again, that there is something wrong with her from the bones on up. He can kick rocks and never come back again. Fuck you, Bill Forbes. Fuck you forever. Next time I hope your ex-wife doesn't miss left.
41) Alaric straight-up telling the Council he wants the Gilbert seat: WIN. "Your daughter is a vampire, and your son is a werewolf. There's no one in this town to look out for humans." Which is true, and desperately needed. This way we get a good balance between "letting Damon murder with impunity" and "rounding everyone up in a church and lighting it on fire". Middle ground, people! Did none of you see XMFC this summer? Middle ground!
I also love the implication that no one's telling the Fell family shit. Seriously, fuck those guys. They had their shot with Logan.
42) Katherine and Damon on a road trip! This...will end exactly how you're thinking, down to the murder victims and sport-fucking.
43) ELENA GILBERT OH MY GOD YOU LISTEN TO ME: That is not the guy you date. He might be some day, I don't doubt it's in him, but you just saw him murder his best friend. Last year, when you told him you loved Stefan and not him? He murdered your little brother. He treated one best friend like a fuckable snack bar and tried to kill the other one--actually, no, tried to kill both of them. THAT IS NOT THE BOY YOU DATE. That is the boy you imagine going down on you when you're out with Jeffrey from your math class who is inept with his hands but really really likes you! YOU ARE EIGHTEEN, I SHOULD NOT HAVE TO TELL YOU THIS.
44) Klaus and Stefan are back in Mystic Falls! This...will end a lot like the Katherine-and-Damon thing, I think, right down to the sport-fucking.
Next week: We learn that Elena Gilbert and the Salvatores should stay the fuck away from the high school football field in "The Reckoning".
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