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1) Okay, so first: the elephant in the room. LJ Smith will not be writing any more TVD novels past Midnight, due out March 15. They're not actually her novels; she was hired by HarperTeen and Alloy Entertainment in the early 90s to write the books based on an existing series of characters and/or plotline, but she has no rights to them. (No one's mentioned it, but presumably her existing work - The Forbidden Game, Dark Visions, Night World, The Secret Circle, and Night of the Solstice/Heart of Valor - are actually her works, not books written on contract for another company; as far as I or anyone else knows, the publishing of those books, notably new ones set in any of those 'verses, should be unaffected by all this stuff.)
According to rumors, at least partly substantiated by Smith herself, the company was unhappy that the current TVD trilogy, The Return, centered more on Damon, and that the books were headed in a Damon/Elena or Damon/Elena/Stefan direction than just ending Stefan/Elena. (Supposedly HarperTeen was also irritated that there was some kind of bond forming between Damon and Bonnie, which...does not make a buttload of sense to me, but fine.)
It's weird. Part of me is surprised, mostly because I honestly thought Smith held the rights, but - I mean, let's face it: The Return has not been good. Nightfall was readable in a "holy shit, she's gone off the rails" way, but Shadow Souls was just...you guys, it was so not good. When the main things to take from a 500+ page book are that Matt Honeycutt speaks Esperanto and Damon has an ex-boyfriend named Sage who's basically a Gambit expy with magical animal friends (and a WICKED AWESOME CHEST TAT), you have not written a good book.
(Seriously. That happened. Dude's name is Sage, he is canonically at least bisexual if not homosexual, his speech is peppered with random French words, he is described to basically look like Gambit, and he has a giant chest tat of a snake that disappears into his armpit. He has a giant falcon and some kind of panther-wolf hybrid, and he never wears a shirt. I would pay real money for a series of novels where he is torn between two dudes. GAY YA PARANORMAL ROMANCE, WHY DO YOU NOT REALLY EXIST YET?)
So--yeah, that all happened between 2.13 and this week. Have I mentioned I haven't gotten to the show yet?
2) TYLER LOCKWOOD MY FEELINGS FOR YOU ARE VERY CONFLICTED.
Left hand: You told Jules and the others where Elena was. You knew goddamn good and well they were going to torture and kill Damon and probably Stefan, because noa way would either of them just hand you Elena. Elena, whom you have known SINCE PRESCHOOL, IF NOT LONGER. I get that being a werewolf is traumatic, and God knows no one likes to be lied to, but kid, you do not have the monopoly on sob stories. "Wah, I accidentally killed a lady and now I turn into a dire wolf once a month under excruciating circumstances!" Big deal. Caroline woke up a vampire without any sort of guidance. Jeremy's 0-2 in Vampire Girlfriends. Damon - for real, you could write a book on Damon. Alaric's best friend boned and made his wife a vampire, only to find out that said vampire wife is, in fact, the birth mother of a girl in his history class WHO IS DATING HIS WIFE'S SIRE'S BROTHER. You are like middle of the road, bro.
Right hand: Elena's not mad at you (mostly because of her Jesus complex, OH WE'LL GET TO THAT), and you manned up and told Matt that Caroline loves him, and he should maybe get over himself and be with her. You didn't actually kill anyone. You really do like Caroline, which still fucking kills me. Mostly the Elena thing, because it is really hard for me to stay mad at people Elena Gilbert likes. And, to be entirely fair, you didn't know about the "breaking the curse = sacrificing Elena" bit.
I hope you come back, Tyler. You're a good guy deep down, and you flail your way through things, but you try. Just watch who you count as friends.
3) Girlbedpile! BEST OPENING EVER, Y/Y? (Okay, so it ties with Damon in the shower. Don't judge me.)
4) Damon Salvatore, it makes me so hard to like you when you continue to treat Andie Star - "Action News!" - as a fuckable buffet. At this rate, she's gonna get in a car accident in three weeks, you're gonna give her blood to heal, and Katherine's gonna smother her OH WAIT WE DID THAT ALREADY HI CAROLINE.
5) ALARIC SALTZMAN + DAMON SALVATORE 4EVA. You guys! They were drinking together! Alaric looks long-suffering! His moral comapss has gotten skewed to the point that he asks Damon not to kill Andie because she's Jenna's friend, and not because, you know, Andie is a human being. John basically called Alaric Damon's helper monkey! Damon heard a crash and went to check on him! THEY ARE BEFFIES, OH GOD I CANNOT STAND IT.
6) John Gilbert, you shut your fucking mouth. JUST SHUT IT. Yeah, Jenna and Alaric are having sleepovers. Do you want to chat about whether or not Jeremy's boned a vampire? Or how many nights Stefan's slept over? NO ONE IN THAT HOUSE HAS A LEG TO STAND ON, GUY WHO KNOCKED UP A HIGH-SCHOOL GIRL. Never mind the whole "working with Katherine" thing, just trying to break up Alaric and Jenna? Ahahahahahah srsly, go die in a fire.
7) Elena inviting Stefan inside = possibly the cutest thing ever on this show. "Uncle John owns this place ahahahahahah JK!" And her little flourish on "Stefan Salvatore, I formally invite you inside this house." He was STUCK, you guys! <333333
8) "She's selling it and he's buying it." Oh, Caroline. That wasn't a vampire thing, that was a Queen Forbes thing. I MISS QUEEN FORBES, YOU GUYS.
9) Bonnie thanking Luka for him and his dad saving her friends = hearteyes. Yeah, she meant Caroline and Stefan, but I'm pretty sure she also meant Damon, which makes me start squeaking.
(Also squeaking? Bonnie immediately calling Damon re: what Luka told her in his trance. DID YOU SEE THAT? THAT WAS THE PROPER USE OF A PHONE TREE. EVERYONE GET ON THAT, JFC.)
10) Not so much for the werewolves doing it, but Elijah casually breaking all of Damon's fingers and stabbing him with a pencil? Delightful. I love that this show just...cheerfully, casually maims Damon, like, every six weeks.
11) I don't disagree with what Bonnie did to Luka, especially in light of him and his dad lying to her and the whole "Elijah's plan is to let Elena get sacrificed" bit, but it did solidify one thing I've thought for a while: Bonnie is the witch version of Damon. Not in the murder count, but in that both of them will do whatever is necessary to get the end result. And if you feel bad about it? Well, you can go ahead. They're not gonna, so much. (Hilariously, I think Bonnie is at least a little aware of this, because she's been a lot better about threatening Damon recently. Damon...Damon has issues with ladies, and she lit him on fire once. Their relationship is odd.)
12) "The moment you're no longer of use to me, you're dead." And that's why I won't be sad to see Elijah die. Yeah, Damon's a manchild with psychopathic tendencies, but he's our manchild with psychopathic tendencies.
13) There's something awesome yet supremely creepy - and unsurprising - about the Gilbert cabin being loaded with journals and vampire weapons. The founding families planned ahead like MacGyver, y'all.
14) The more we see of werewolves, the more I...really do not care for them. Stevie's talk of "werewolf domination" - fuck that, just Stevie, who casually murders Alaric and buils Damon a wooden stake version of the collar from Saw III? No. No no no. And clearly they aren't entirely anti-vampire, because while they didn't like that Mason was banging "Kathy", no one killed her, did they? Killed Alaric, tortured Damon, shot Stefan, tortured Caroline, plan to sacrifice Elena - yeah, Tyler, you've backed the right pony this time. Suuuuuure.
This, y'all, is why I'm firmly on Team Salvatore: Dude Fuck All These Guys, None Of Them Deserve Shit.
15) "You're a witch, I'm a vampire. It's not like we're in any position [to be picky]." Caroline! No! You are EXACTLY in a position to be picky! You will be hot forever, and you are super-fast and -strong! Bonnie can light fires WITH HER MIND. YOU BE CHOOSY WHEN IT COMES TO PROM, YOUNG LADY.
16) Do I feel bad that Klaus has Luka's sister? Of course. Am I surprised that he's had generations of witches trying to break the curse? Not especially. Do I want him dead? Uh, duh. Do I kind of want Luka and Dr. Martin dead? Given a choice between them and Elena - uh, not a choice, dudes, sorry.
17) So Elijah's grand plan is to let Elena get sacrificed, then kill Klaus, because that's when he'll be most vulnerable. I hate him, I want him dead - but the man has panache, okay? He killed like four werewolves BY HIMSELF, without even blinking. (Best part? Damon's "good on you" head tilt when he ripped out Stevie's heart. The man appreciates a good murder.) Aaaaaand now he has the moonstone. Shitballs.
18) Bonnie/Jeremy: whatever, don't care. Bonnie has a habit of evil/untrustworthy dudes liking her; all of Jeremy's girlfriends (well, both) have ended up dead. This will end poorly, though maybe not 'til next season.
19) Elena stabbing Brady, like, twice, and immediately running, then faking leaving to throw him off? THAT IS MY GIRL. Final Girl Gilbert, y'all: my favorite of all possible Elenas.
20) Elena willingly busting out Martyr Face to keep her friends and family safe? GIRL WHAT ARE YOU DOING, FOR REAL. "It's worth it to keep you all safe." Oh my God, it is NOT WORTH IT TO THEM. You know what people have DONE to keep you safe? Tortured! Murdered! Ripped out Tyler's uncle's heart! Gotten innocent people killed! There is nothing they would not do for you - LITERALLY, NOTHING - and you repay their love and trust and loyalty by acting like an idiot? Stefan's total horrified bitchface on "that's not heroic, that's tragic" = BEST FACE EVER.
You are sixteen, Elena Gilbert. You have not done shit yet. People your age have already died in that town, and you want to go and join them? Throw away your aunt, your dad, your brother/cousin, your best friends, your boyfriend, everyone who loves and cares for you? No. No, fuck that. That's not what a Final Girl does. That's what dead girls do. And I'd rather you start getting your shirt together, boo boo, because we do not have time for this. The end of the world's almost here and you have the fucking X-Men on your side, so PUT ON YOUR BIG GIRL BOOTS AND GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER, THE ENDGAME IS LIKE TWO EXITS AWAY AND YOU'RE ON HALF A TANK.
Next week: Stefan (hopefully) puts away his high horse re: Damon being evil, because OH SHIT FLASHBACKS. The second most awkward dinner party ever! Awful hair! Period clothes! SOMEONE TELL JENNA ALREADY! (NOT YOU, JOHN!)
According to rumors, at least partly substantiated by Smith herself, the company was unhappy that the current TVD trilogy, The Return, centered more on Damon, and that the books were headed in a Damon/Elena or Damon/Elena/Stefan direction than just ending Stefan/Elena. (Supposedly HarperTeen was also irritated that there was some kind of bond forming between Damon and Bonnie, which...does not make a buttload of sense to me, but fine.)
It's weird. Part of me is surprised, mostly because I honestly thought Smith held the rights, but - I mean, let's face it: The Return has not been good. Nightfall was readable in a "holy shit, she's gone off the rails" way, but Shadow Souls was just...you guys, it was so not good. When the main things to take from a 500+ page book are that Matt Honeycutt speaks Esperanto and Damon has an ex-boyfriend named Sage who's basically a Gambit expy with magical animal friends (and a WICKED AWESOME CHEST TAT), you have not written a good book.
(Seriously. That happened. Dude's name is Sage, he is canonically at least bisexual if not homosexual, his speech is peppered with random French words, he is described to basically look like Gambit, and he has a giant chest tat of a snake that disappears into his armpit. He has a giant falcon and some kind of panther-wolf hybrid, and he never wears a shirt. I would pay real money for a series of novels where he is torn between two dudes. GAY YA PARANORMAL ROMANCE, WHY DO YOU NOT REALLY EXIST YET?)
So--yeah, that all happened between 2.13 and this week. Have I mentioned I haven't gotten to the show yet?
2) TYLER LOCKWOOD MY FEELINGS FOR YOU ARE VERY CONFLICTED.
Left hand: You told Jules and the others where Elena was. You knew goddamn good and well they were going to torture and kill Damon and probably Stefan, because noa way would either of them just hand you Elena. Elena, whom you have known SINCE PRESCHOOL, IF NOT LONGER. I get that being a werewolf is traumatic, and God knows no one likes to be lied to, but kid, you do not have the monopoly on sob stories. "Wah, I accidentally killed a lady and now I turn into a dire wolf once a month under excruciating circumstances!" Big deal. Caroline woke up a vampire without any sort of guidance. Jeremy's 0-2 in Vampire Girlfriends. Damon - for real, you could write a book on Damon. Alaric's best friend boned and made his wife a vampire, only to find out that said vampire wife is, in fact, the birth mother of a girl in his history class WHO IS DATING HIS WIFE'S SIRE'S BROTHER. You are like middle of the road, bro.
Right hand: Elena's not mad at you (mostly because of her Jesus complex, OH WE'LL GET TO THAT), and you manned up and told Matt that Caroline loves him, and he should maybe get over himself and be with her. You didn't actually kill anyone. You really do like Caroline, which still fucking kills me. Mostly the Elena thing, because it is really hard for me to stay mad at people Elena Gilbert likes. And, to be entirely fair, you didn't know about the "breaking the curse = sacrificing Elena" bit.
I hope you come back, Tyler. You're a good guy deep down, and you flail your way through things, but you try. Just watch who you count as friends.
3) Girlbedpile! BEST OPENING EVER, Y/Y? (Okay, so it ties with Damon in the shower. Don't judge me.)
4) Damon Salvatore, it makes me so hard to like you when you continue to treat Andie Star - "Action News!" - as a fuckable buffet. At this rate, she's gonna get in a car accident in three weeks, you're gonna give her blood to heal, and Katherine's gonna smother her OH WAIT WE DID THAT ALREADY HI CAROLINE.
5) ALARIC SALTZMAN + DAMON SALVATORE 4EVA. You guys! They were drinking together! Alaric looks long-suffering! His moral comapss has gotten skewed to the point that he asks Damon not to kill Andie because she's Jenna's friend, and not because, you know, Andie is a human being. John basically called Alaric Damon's helper monkey! Damon heard a crash and went to check on him! THEY ARE BEFFIES, OH GOD I CANNOT STAND IT.
6) John Gilbert, you shut your fucking mouth. JUST SHUT IT. Yeah, Jenna and Alaric are having sleepovers. Do you want to chat about whether or not Jeremy's boned a vampire? Or how many nights Stefan's slept over? NO ONE IN THAT HOUSE HAS A LEG TO STAND ON, GUY WHO KNOCKED UP A HIGH-SCHOOL GIRL. Never mind the whole "working with Katherine" thing, just trying to break up Alaric and Jenna? Ahahahahahah srsly, go die in a fire.
7) Elena inviting Stefan inside = possibly the cutest thing ever on this show. "Uncle John owns this place ahahahahahah JK!" And her little flourish on "Stefan Salvatore, I formally invite you inside this house." He was STUCK, you guys! <333333
8) "She's selling it and he's buying it." Oh, Caroline. That wasn't a vampire thing, that was a Queen Forbes thing. I MISS QUEEN FORBES, YOU GUYS.
9) Bonnie thanking Luka for him and his dad saving her friends = hearteyes. Yeah, she meant Caroline and Stefan, but I'm pretty sure she also meant Damon, which makes me start squeaking.
(Also squeaking? Bonnie immediately calling Damon re: what Luka told her in his trance. DID YOU SEE THAT? THAT WAS THE PROPER USE OF A PHONE TREE. EVERYONE GET ON THAT, JFC.)
10) Not so much for the werewolves doing it, but Elijah casually breaking all of Damon's fingers and stabbing him with a pencil? Delightful. I love that this show just...cheerfully, casually maims Damon, like, every six weeks.
11) I don't disagree with what Bonnie did to Luka, especially in light of him and his dad lying to her and the whole "Elijah's plan is to let Elena get sacrificed" bit, but it did solidify one thing I've thought for a while: Bonnie is the witch version of Damon. Not in the murder count, but in that both of them will do whatever is necessary to get the end result. And if you feel bad about it? Well, you can go ahead. They're not gonna, so much. (Hilariously, I think Bonnie is at least a little aware of this, because she's been a lot better about threatening Damon recently. Damon...Damon has issues with ladies, and she lit him on fire once. Their relationship is odd.)
12) "The moment you're no longer of use to me, you're dead." And that's why I won't be sad to see Elijah die. Yeah, Damon's a manchild with psychopathic tendencies, but he's our manchild with psychopathic tendencies.
13) There's something awesome yet supremely creepy - and unsurprising - about the Gilbert cabin being loaded with journals and vampire weapons. The founding families planned ahead like MacGyver, y'all.
14) The more we see of werewolves, the more I...really do not care for them. Stevie's talk of "werewolf domination" - fuck that, just Stevie, who casually murders Alaric and buils Damon a wooden stake version of the collar from Saw III? No. No no no. And clearly they aren't entirely anti-vampire, because while they didn't like that Mason was banging "Kathy", no one killed her, did they? Killed Alaric, tortured Damon, shot Stefan, tortured Caroline, plan to sacrifice Elena - yeah, Tyler, you've backed the right pony this time. Suuuuuure.
This, y'all, is why I'm firmly on Team Salvatore: Dude Fuck All These Guys, None Of Them Deserve Shit.
15) "You're a witch, I'm a vampire. It's not like we're in any position [to be picky]." Caroline! No! You are EXACTLY in a position to be picky! You will be hot forever, and you are super-fast and -strong! Bonnie can light fires WITH HER MIND. YOU BE CHOOSY WHEN IT COMES TO PROM, YOUNG LADY.
16) Do I feel bad that Klaus has Luka's sister? Of course. Am I surprised that he's had generations of witches trying to break the curse? Not especially. Do I want him dead? Uh, duh. Do I kind of want Luka and Dr. Martin dead? Given a choice between them and Elena - uh, not a choice, dudes, sorry.
17) So Elijah's grand plan is to let Elena get sacrificed, then kill Klaus, because that's when he'll be most vulnerable. I hate him, I want him dead - but the man has panache, okay? He killed like four werewolves BY HIMSELF, without even blinking. (Best part? Damon's "good on you" head tilt when he ripped out Stevie's heart. The man appreciates a good murder.) Aaaaaand now he has the moonstone. Shitballs.
18) Bonnie/Jeremy: whatever, don't care. Bonnie has a habit of evil/untrustworthy dudes liking her; all of Jeremy's girlfriends (well, both) have ended up dead. This will end poorly, though maybe not 'til next season.
19) Elena stabbing Brady, like, twice, and immediately running, then faking leaving to throw him off? THAT IS MY GIRL. Final Girl Gilbert, y'all: my favorite of all possible Elenas.
20) Elena willingly busting out Martyr Face to keep her friends and family safe? GIRL WHAT ARE YOU DOING, FOR REAL. "It's worth it to keep you all safe." Oh my God, it is NOT WORTH IT TO THEM. You know what people have DONE to keep you safe? Tortured! Murdered! Ripped out Tyler's uncle's heart! Gotten innocent people killed! There is nothing they would not do for you - LITERALLY, NOTHING - and you repay their love and trust and loyalty by acting like an idiot? Stefan's total horrified bitchface on "that's not heroic, that's tragic" = BEST FACE EVER.
You are sixteen, Elena Gilbert. You have not done shit yet. People your age have already died in that town, and you want to go and join them? Throw away your aunt, your dad, your brother/cousin, your best friends, your boyfriend, everyone who loves and cares for you? No. No, fuck that. That's not what a Final Girl does. That's what dead girls do. And I'd rather you start getting your shirt together, boo boo, because we do not have time for this. The end of the world's almost here and you have the fucking X-Men on your side, so PUT ON YOUR BIG GIRL BOOTS AND GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER, THE ENDGAME IS LIKE TWO EXITS AWAY AND YOU'RE ON HALF A TANK.
Next week: Stefan (hopefully) puts away his high horse re: Damon being evil, because OH SHIT FLASHBACKS. The second most awkward dinner party ever! Awful hair! Period clothes! SOMEONE TELL JENNA ALREADY! (NOT YOU, JOHN!)
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Right now, the show has it positioned so that Alaric possibly doesn't know that Andie is being compelled, or to what extent. (If she were down with sleeping with Damon and falling for him, and he was just doing a "P.S., you saw me sunbathing yesterday, I am 100% Grade-A human" before she left the house, that would actually be acceptable within this show's bizarre tower of morality.) He knows Damon well enough that I call bullshit on him not suspecting, but he's probably trying to convince himself. Dude, seriously, though: you really have to say "Don't kill her" in a stronger tone of voice than you would, "And don't key this one's car when you break up with her, okay, Becky nearly called the cops." I mean, damn.
Poor Tyler. He only fucked for, like, a week and a half before he manned up (and apparently knelt next to a very injured vampire and helped them pull a bullet out, so kid's got courage of something even if he isn't sure of his convictions just yet), so I'm willing to cautiously let him back in the house now.
God, I am so glad that someone called Elena out. (Though Elijah doesn't want the curse dismantled, so at least Elena's choice becomes slightly better than, "The whole world can go suck a bag of dicks as long as my special people are safe.") Bonnie is currently compelling someone into giving up info that could cost his whole family their lives for the sake of you, Gilbert, woman the fuck up and go grab a kitchen knife.
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Bonnie! Bonnie is made of hearts and flowers and giggles and BURNING PEOPLE ALIVE. Oh my God, they can't ever kill her. I would never stop screaming. LET'S NOT GO LAST YEAR'S ROUTE AGAIN, SHOW.
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As for the L.J. Smith thing, I have no damn pity for the woman losing the ability to keep writing her own series. I, unlike most people in this fandom, have actually read The Return books, and yeah, no sympathy. If the publishers won't agree to keep publishing her crack-induced dreck and instead want someone sane to write about these characters, I say we throw them a party.
Cause, I don't know if you read her supposed email to a fan, but apparently she planned on dragging Bonnie/Damon out over another three books or so and that makes me SO STABBY OMG. Like, I don't even want to read Midnight anymore knowing she planned to just keep going! ARGH.
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OH MY GOD I SERIOUSLY HOPE YOU'RE KIDDING, RE: THREE MORE BOOKS OF THIS "WHO WILL ELENA CHOOSE" BULLSHIT. I KNEW THAT WHEN I WAS FOURTEEN, SMITH. WE ALL DID. JFC.
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