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Fireball: in which an accident turns a wife-beating athlete into Pyro from the X-Men, and the only ones who can stop him from destroying Lake Tahoe are the Andromeda and Damon Salvatore. IT IS EXACTLY AS AWESOME AS IT SOUNDS.
--okay, not really. BUT VERY VERY CLOSE.
Former pro football player Tyler Draven is arrested for assault in a small town. While in police custody, the jail burns down; but instead of being killed, the burns combine with Draven's DNA (mutated by designer steroids - yeah, no, don't ask) to make him into, essentially, either Pyro or Princess Azula from Avatar: The Last Airbender. (It also destroys his terrible wig, which is the closest thing this guy gets to a favor the whole movie.) Fire inspector Ava Williams and Federal agent Lee Cooper are the only ones who can stop him.
This is a very basic synopsis. It leaves out a lot of shit. What, you ask? Well, let's see:
* Draven, while physically imposing - seriously, the dude is huge and scary-looking - is a terrible actor. Now, this is not surprising (it's a Sci Fi movie; not SyFy, it predated the godawful name change), but you should really be prepared for the wincing you're going to do during his line reads in the last act.
* There's a nurse at the hospital who has the best line in the entire movie: "I remember a time when two attractive young people were bantering back and forth, it was funny." I LOVE YOU EXPOSITION NURSE. YOU SHOULD BE IN EVERY MOVIE.
* Inspector Williams is great. She's smart and funny and runs around the last quarter of the movie with a fire axe and straight-up yells at guys when they try to treat her like a little lady, especially considering she grew up in a small town. Her dad was a firefighter! She wears plaid shirts and doesn't show cleavage and dresses for comfort, not sex appeal. I don't care what else you think, that is fucking amazing.
--also, not for nothing, but bullshit Lexa Doig has had two kids. YOWZA. How are you so lucky, Michael Shanks?
* Agent Cooper is just as awesome as Williams, btw. He's taciturn and by-the-book and fastidious and yelps like a little girl every time something happens. He chain-smokes! Used to get smacked around by his dad when he was a kid! Is horrified by being in a small town! Carries a handkerchief unironically! I--you guys, every line read is either earnest or utterly disdainful. If you sat down and told me Lee Cooper was descended on, like, his mom's side from the Salvatores, I would say "That's about right" AND NEVER QUESTION YOU.
(You really need to rent this or download it or whatever, if only because Doig spends the whole movie Spock-eyebrowing everything and Somerhalder keeps yelping like a little girl being scared by a big dog. "Mosquitos in this town are the size of dogs." "This is what I call a ~wrong ball~." Keep in mind, HE SINGS THAT LAST BIT.)
* Williams and Cooper. Not Ava and Lee, WILLIAMS AND COOPER. You guys! They spend the whole movie flirting by bitching each other out every five minutes, but never disrespect each other's knowledge or authority. He trusts her to lock him in the reactor core to stop Draven; she yanks a piece of glass out of his leg and limps along with him. They actually call each other "geographically star-crossed" (he hates the country, she's never wanted to move to the city) and are clearly pining for each other, BUT DO NOT SO MUCH AS KISS. Like grownups do! With jobs and responsibilities! And - okay, obviously I am twelve and want them to have makeouts, but you know what needs to happen first? A second movie.
Seriously, when does TVD finish filming again? April? End of April, beginning of May? We can film another one of these, right? Where they get menaced by something else fire-related? MAKE IT HAPPEN, SYFY.
It is not, strictly speaking, a good movie, but it's a fun one. Besides, it's a movie where Boone Carlisle shit-talks a mutant 'til the guy smothers to death in a nuclear reactor. Take THAT, Dinocroc.
--okay, not really. BUT VERY VERY CLOSE.
Former pro football player Tyler Draven is arrested for assault in a small town. While in police custody, the jail burns down; but instead of being killed, the burns combine with Draven's DNA (mutated by designer steroids - yeah, no, don't ask) to make him into, essentially, either Pyro or Princess Azula from Avatar: The Last Airbender. (It also destroys his terrible wig, which is the closest thing this guy gets to a favor the whole movie.) Fire inspector Ava Williams and Federal agent Lee Cooper are the only ones who can stop him.
This is a very basic synopsis. It leaves out a lot of shit. What, you ask? Well, let's see:
* Draven, while physically imposing - seriously, the dude is huge and scary-looking - is a terrible actor. Now, this is not surprising (it's a Sci Fi movie; not SyFy, it predated the godawful name change), but you should really be prepared for the wincing you're going to do during his line reads in the last act.
* There's a nurse at the hospital who has the best line in the entire movie: "I remember a time when two attractive young people were bantering back and forth, it was funny." I LOVE YOU EXPOSITION NURSE. YOU SHOULD BE IN EVERY MOVIE.
* Inspector Williams is great. She's smart and funny and runs around the last quarter of the movie with a fire axe and straight-up yells at guys when they try to treat her like a little lady, especially considering she grew up in a small town. Her dad was a firefighter! She wears plaid shirts and doesn't show cleavage and dresses for comfort, not sex appeal. I don't care what else you think, that is fucking amazing.
--also, not for nothing, but bullshit Lexa Doig has had two kids. YOWZA. How are you so lucky, Michael Shanks?
* Agent Cooper is just as awesome as Williams, btw. He's taciturn and by-the-book and fastidious and yelps like a little girl every time something happens. He chain-smokes! Used to get smacked around by his dad when he was a kid! Is horrified by being in a small town! Carries a handkerchief unironically! I--you guys, every line read is either earnest or utterly disdainful. If you sat down and told me Lee Cooper was descended on, like, his mom's side from the Salvatores, I would say "That's about right" AND NEVER QUESTION YOU.
(You really need to rent this or download it or whatever, if only because Doig spends the whole movie Spock-eyebrowing everything and Somerhalder keeps yelping like a little girl being scared by a big dog. "Mosquitos in this town are the size of dogs." "This is what I call a ~wrong ball~." Keep in mind, HE SINGS THAT LAST BIT.)
* Williams and Cooper. Not Ava and Lee, WILLIAMS AND COOPER. You guys! They spend the whole movie flirting by bitching each other out every five minutes, but never disrespect each other's knowledge or authority. He trusts her to lock him in the reactor core to stop Draven; she yanks a piece of glass out of his leg and limps along with him. They actually call each other "geographically star-crossed" (he hates the country, she's never wanted to move to the city) and are clearly pining for each other, BUT DO NOT SO MUCH AS KISS. Like grownups do! With jobs and responsibilities! And - okay, obviously I am twelve and want them to have makeouts, but you know what needs to happen first? A second movie.
Seriously, when does TVD finish filming again? April? End of April, beginning of May? We can film another one of these, right? Where they get menaced by something else fire-related? MAKE IT HAPPEN, SYFY.
It is not, strictly speaking, a good movie, but it's a fun one. Besides, it's a movie where Boone Carlisle shit-talks a mutant 'til the guy smothers to death in a nuclear reactor. Take THAT, Dinocroc.
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*goes to find movie*
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("Okay, I'm gonna take it [the glass] out now, okay?"
"What? Why?"
"Because if I don't, it could sever an artery. Ready?"
"Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah. Go."
"Okay. On three. One--" [yanks out glass]
[screams like very tiny child] "WHAT HAPPENED TO TWO AND THREE?")
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Oh they DO sound like fun.
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...yes, I set my VCR for it. Because I am that sad.