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1) I hate Brady and Jules and want them dead. Horribly. If Damon could actually skullfuck Brady’s corpse, that would be great.
See, here is my rule: if you are mean to a lady on this show, I am cranky. If you apologize for being mean to a lady on this show (see: Rose), I give you a second chance. If you are at least trying to be less of a dickstain (see: Damon, SOMETIMES), you get some leeway.
If you shoot Caroline Forbes IN THE MOTHERFUCKING HEAD, like, THREE TIMES? And keep torturing her with vervain mace and darts and all sorts of nastiness? I WANT DAMON SALVATORE TO SKULLFUCK YOUR CORPSE. This is not complicated math.
Seriously. Jules I want dead, but Brady? I want Brady to suffer. And normally I would be more hesitant about that, but nope: shot Caroline in the head a bunch of times and tortured her. Pls to commence skullfucking, Eldest Salvatore.
2) I do, actually, appreciate that the show isn’t afraid to have female villains. Everyone’s a bad guy; everyone’s a good guy; everyone’s a victim. We could maybe stand to murder fewer ladies, but I think the math’s at least partly skewed because three dudes have been murdered and gotten right back up.
3) Dear Kevin and Julie: if you want to keep having Damon deal with his manpain by showering, I have no problem with that.
4) There’s something really cheering about Jenna’s total and absolute hate for John Gilbert. It’s not a long story! Just hates him! Can we get her in on the phone tree now?
5) Stefan Salvatore, you figured shit out with Jonas and Elijah in a rational manner, you invited John back to help protect Elena, you tried to reason with Tyler, and you used a dude as a proxy flamethrower. WHY CAN YOU NOT BE THIS AWESOME IN THE BOOKS?
6) “I’m changing and evolving into a man capable of greatness.” Damon being right when sarcastic = a stopped clock being right twice a day. Now you just need to believe it, and we’ll be getting somewhere.
7) I have no opinion about Andie Star from Action News, except that she seems fairly easygoing about boning a dude who loves another lady and following it up with a bath. We’ll see.
(Also: now I want there to be fic where Rose and Lexi are friends in the afterlife, snarking at their loved ones and the stupid shit they’re pulling.)
8) Up until he gets ten kinds of stupid later, the Stefan and Damon wanting Tyler dead vs. Caroline wanting him alive thing has really nice parallels with Jules hating vampires and Tyler being all, “You know how stupid that sounds?” They’re kids! Kids naturally rebel against their parents! And then…Tyler becomes a jackass, so that goes off the rails, but it was a good seven minutes while it lasted.
9) “I’m gonna kill him. […] I’m joking! Okay, I’m a little serious.” Damon should put that on a business card and just hand it out to people.
10) “Damon Salvatore is leading the council now.” AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Okay, I didn’t know it was official. WIN. It gets us one step closer to Mayor Salvatore, you guys.
11) You know, for people who prize loyalty, the witches in this town (Jonas and Luka) and the werewolves (Jules and Brady) sure seem to be a bunch of lying assfaces. Vampires might lie, but they don’t try to get all moral high ground-y about it.
(For real, Stefan, Damon and Caroline? Are more loyal to their nakama than the rest of them put together. I just – I don’t know. That seems fairly important.)
12) “[Caroline’s] your friend. Stop being a dick to her.” Have I mentioned that I love Stefan a lot?
13) “It’s in the best interest of women everywhere.” A) I’m pretty sure when Damon says that, we should listen; B) OH MY GOD, FOR REAL.
14) Werewolves vs. vampires = “cluster” is half a word. It starts off fine, especially when Stefan picks up a guy with a flamethrower and turns him around rather than try to disarm him, but the werewolves have numbers and vampires aren’t great at fighting in groups. (Remember how fast Mason and Liz totally shot them? Work on that, guys.) Luckily, the vampires have Dr. Martin, who knocked out all the ‘wolves but Tyler. Occasionally, lying assfaces? Come in handy.
15) Oh, Tyler. I can – what the fuck are you gonna do, run away from home? Live in an RV with strangers because you have the same medical condition? DISMEMBER CAMPERS? What the shit, Lockwood, srsly. You have the sense God gave a beet, right now.
Also, you know what’s not awesome? HESITATING TO FREE CAROLINE and JUST WATCHING JULES TRY TO KILL HER. Stefan and Damon I kind of get – especially Damon, who did murder your uncle – but Jesus fucking Christ, don’t then go to Caroline’s house and TRY TO BE FRIENDS. No. That’s done. She got tortured by your cheerleading section and spent an hour PLUCKING BULLETS OUT OF HER HEAD AND NECK.
In other words: TYLER LOCKWOOD, YOU GET THE FUCK OUT OF HER HOUSE.
16) Matt: you are not actually dating Caroline right now. She does not owe you a goddamn explanation. You don’t get to make the bitchface because she stood you up, okay? For real.
17) Jeremy…was fine this week, actually, but I still cannot stand him/Bonnie. GIRL CODE, BENNETT.
18) Bonnie telling off Jonas = awesome. Remember, dude: she’s really good at causing aneuryisms.
19) The minute John was all, “This is ask from the white oak tree,” I made dolphin noises. WHITE ASH WOOD, YOU GUYS. WHITE ASH WOOD. OH GOD, NOW I MISS MEREDITH’S CRAZY GRANDDAD.
(Something to remember, though: white ash wood ends up slowing him down, but not actually killing him. You need the ghosts of all the dead people in town for that, and an ending kind of ripped off from The Dark Half. But in a really great way.)
20) I am just saying: you could totes have Meredith show up next year as a witch-hunter or something and eventually betray her family because of The Power of Friendship.
21) “You help your friend. That’s what you do.” Which is especially interesting in light of Stefan’s “I wanted to come home, build a family”. Presumably he meant having a better relationship with Zach – because Damon literally swooped in to fuck with Stefan’s life as he tends to do every two decades or so – and not the “Katherine made 26 vampires because there was no cable” way. (Which Tyler totally caught; look at his face. He’s a dumbass, but he’s not stupid.) And that’s what they’re doing, albeit in a life during wartime kind of way. It – I don’t know, I’m a sucker for families made up of people who choose to be together, not forced that way by blood.
22) Jenna’s niece’s father is her sister’s husband’s brother, via her boyfriend’s dead wife. I love you a lot, Gilberts.
23) I don’t like John, but I can appreciate that he does want to take care of Elena. If he’s lying – and in light of the last scene: yeah, probably – he is really believable. PAY ATTENTION, DAMON, YOU’RE GETTING RUSTY.
24) And then! Stefan brings Elena and Bonnie to Caroline’s for a sleepover! She has had A ROUGH DAY, OKAY, she needs HER BEFFIES.
Yes: an awesome-if-flawed human girl, a vampire, and a witch are making smores and watching Troll 2 or something. NEVER CHANGE, AWESOME LADIES OF MYSTIC FALLS.
25) I love that, basically, Damon had a separate tub installed for fucking. (Don’t tell me he didn’t, he has a shower. IT IS A SEPARATE STRUCTURE, OKAY.)
26) No, Damon should not be whammying Andi into forgetting, then fucking her and eating her. You know what, though? That’s what he used to do to Caroline. He did that in episode two! No one look surprised! He’s a bad person! He – I think he’s mostly trying to talk himself into it, these days, because the other option - not being evil – is terrifying, but he’s not good people. I think it’s like having a pitbull: that dog can be amazing and wonderful and the best dog in the whole world, but you cannot then look surprised when and if it mauls a kid.
”Oh, shut up, silly woman,” said the reptile with a grin. “You know damn well I was a snake before you took me in.”
I love the guy. But trusting him, at this point, is just a bad fucking idea.
(I actually really like that he called Elena out on it: “You can’t expect me to always be the better person just because you ask me to.” She’s getting a lot of mileage out of his being in love with her, and wanting her to be happy, and it’s the teeniest bit disingenuous. I think nine times out of ten she really think she’s helping him be a better person; I also think that tenth time, she knows exactly what she’s doing. “There’s a bit of the Petrova fire in you,” Katherine said, and she wasn’t wrong.)
(This is also why Bonnie has the best approach to Damon, at this point: I will trust you up until you prove to me you can’t, and then I will fucking light you on fire. Also, quit treating ladies like fuckable salad bars; it’s tacky.)
27) “Love does that, Damon. It changes us.” Andie Star! Being right fairly early out of the gate! I am starting to hope you don’t end up dead at the end of Damon’s 168th-year-crisis.
(Also: it is totally understandable that Damon hates and is terrified by that concept. The last time he was in love, it was Katherine, and ahahahahahaha now he’s an immortal predator with lady issues and a constant underlying ache at not being human anymore. He literally because something else last time. What the hell’s gonna happen this time?)
(--realistically, I think he’d be like a less emo Stefan, which: MADE OF WIN AND PUPPIES. But that terrifies him too, because Damon Salvatore Also Has Little Brother Issues.)
28) Aaaaaaaaand John and Isobel have a back deal with Katherine. THIS IS NOT MY SURPRISED FACE, JOHN GILBERT. GET OFF MY LAWN.
Next week: Stefan and Elena get out of town for a romantic weekend at a lakeside cabin. No points for guessing how that’s gonna go.
See, here is my rule: if you are mean to a lady on this show, I am cranky. If you apologize for being mean to a lady on this show (see: Rose), I give you a second chance. If you are at least trying to be less of a dickstain (see: Damon, SOMETIMES), you get some leeway.
If you shoot Caroline Forbes IN THE MOTHERFUCKING HEAD, like, THREE TIMES? And keep torturing her with vervain mace and darts and all sorts of nastiness? I WANT DAMON SALVATORE TO SKULLFUCK YOUR CORPSE. This is not complicated math.
Seriously. Jules I want dead, but Brady? I want Brady to suffer. And normally I would be more hesitant about that, but nope: shot Caroline in the head a bunch of times and tortured her. Pls to commence skullfucking, Eldest Salvatore.
2) I do, actually, appreciate that the show isn’t afraid to have female villains. Everyone’s a bad guy; everyone’s a good guy; everyone’s a victim. We could maybe stand to murder fewer ladies, but I think the math’s at least partly skewed because three dudes have been murdered and gotten right back up.
3) Dear Kevin and Julie: if you want to keep having Damon deal with his manpain by showering, I have no problem with that.
4) There’s something really cheering about Jenna’s total and absolute hate for John Gilbert. It’s not a long story! Just hates him! Can we get her in on the phone tree now?
5) Stefan Salvatore, you figured shit out with Jonas and Elijah in a rational manner, you invited John back to help protect Elena, you tried to reason with Tyler, and you used a dude as a proxy flamethrower. WHY CAN YOU NOT BE THIS AWESOME IN THE BOOKS?
6) “I’m changing and evolving into a man capable of greatness.” Damon being right when sarcastic = a stopped clock being right twice a day. Now you just need to believe it, and we’ll be getting somewhere.
7) I have no opinion about Andie Star from Action News, except that she seems fairly easygoing about boning a dude who loves another lady and following it up with a bath. We’ll see.
(Also: now I want there to be fic where Rose and Lexi are friends in the afterlife, snarking at their loved ones and the stupid shit they’re pulling.)
8) Up until he gets ten kinds of stupid later, the Stefan and Damon wanting Tyler dead vs. Caroline wanting him alive thing has really nice parallels with Jules hating vampires and Tyler being all, “You know how stupid that sounds?” They’re kids! Kids naturally rebel against their parents! And then…Tyler becomes a jackass, so that goes off the rails, but it was a good seven minutes while it lasted.
9) “I’m gonna kill him. […] I’m joking! Okay, I’m a little serious.” Damon should put that on a business card and just hand it out to people.
10) “Damon Salvatore is leading the council now.” AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Okay, I didn’t know it was official. WIN. It gets us one step closer to Mayor Salvatore, you guys.
11) You know, for people who prize loyalty, the witches in this town (Jonas and Luka) and the werewolves (Jules and Brady) sure seem to be a bunch of lying assfaces. Vampires might lie, but they don’t try to get all moral high ground-y about it.
(For real, Stefan, Damon and Caroline? Are more loyal to their nakama than the rest of them put together. I just – I don’t know. That seems fairly important.)
12) “[Caroline’s] your friend. Stop being a dick to her.” Have I mentioned that I love Stefan a lot?
13) “It’s in the best interest of women everywhere.” A) I’m pretty sure when Damon says that, we should listen; B) OH MY GOD, FOR REAL.
14) Werewolves vs. vampires = “cluster” is half a word. It starts off fine, especially when Stefan picks up a guy with a flamethrower and turns him around rather than try to disarm him, but the werewolves have numbers and vampires aren’t great at fighting in groups. (Remember how fast Mason and Liz totally shot them? Work on that, guys.) Luckily, the vampires have Dr. Martin, who knocked out all the ‘wolves but Tyler. Occasionally, lying assfaces? Come in handy.
15) Oh, Tyler. I can – what the fuck are you gonna do, run away from home? Live in an RV with strangers because you have the same medical condition? DISMEMBER CAMPERS? What the shit, Lockwood, srsly. You have the sense God gave a beet, right now.
Also, you know what’s not awesome? HESITATING TO FREE CAROLINE and JUST WATCHING JULES TRY TO KILL HER. Stefan and Damon I kind of get – especially Damon, who did murder your uncle – but Jesus fucking Christ, don’t then go to Caroline’s house and TRY TO BE FRIENDS. No. That’s done. She got tortured by your cheerleading section and spent an hour PLUCKING BULLETS OUT OF HER HEAD AND NECK.
In other words: TYLER LOCKWOOD, YOU GET THE FUCK OUT OF HER HOUSE.
16) Matt: you are not actually dating Caroline right now. She does not owe you a goddamn explanation. You don’t get to make the bitchface because she stood you up, okay? For real.
17) Jeremy…was fine this week, actually, but I still cannot stand him/Bonnie. GIRL CODE, BENNETT.
18) Bonnie telling off Jonas = awesome. Remember, dude: she’s really good at causing aneuryisms.
19) The minute John was all, “This is ask from the white oak tree,” I made dolphin noises. WHITE ASH WOOD, YOU GUYS. WHITE ASH WOOD. OH GOD, NOW I MISS MEREDITH’S CRAZY GRANDDAD.
(Something to remember, though: white ash wood ends up slowing him down, but not actually killing him. You need the ghosts of all the dead people in town for that, and an ending kind of ripped off from The Dark Half. But in a really great way.)
20) I am just saying: you could totes have Meredith show up next year as a witch-hunter or something and eventually betray her family because of The Power of Friendship.
21) “You help your friend. That’s what you do.” Which is especially interesting in light of Stefan’s “I wanted to come home, build a family”. Presumably he meant having a better relationship with Zach – because Damon literally swooped in to fuck with Stefan’s life as he tends to do every two decades or so – and not the “Katherine made 26 vampires because there was no cable” way. (Which Tyler totally caught; look at his face. He’s a dumbass, but he’s not stupid.) And that’s what they’re doing, albeit in a life during wartime kind of way. It – I don’t know, I’m a sucker for families made up of people who choose to be together, not forced that way by blood.
22) Jenna’s niece’s father is her sister’s husband’s brother, via her boyfriend’s dead wife. I love you a lot, Gilberts.
23) I don’t like John, but I can appreciate that he does want to take care of Elena. If he’s lying – and in light of the last scene: yeah, probably – he is really believable. PAY ATTENTION, DAMON, YOU’RE GETTING RUSTY.
24) And then! Stefan brings Elena and Bonnie to Caroline’s for a sleepover! She has had A ROUGH DAY, OKAY, she needs HER BEFFIES.
Yes: an awesome-if-flawed human girl, a vampire, and a witch are making smores and watching Troll 2 or something. NEVER CHANGE, AWESOME LADIES OF MYSTIC FALLS.
25) I love that, basically, Damon had a separate tub installed for fucking. (Don’t tell me he didn’t, he has a shower. IT IS A SEPARATE STRUCTURE, OKAY.)
26) No, Damon should not be whammying Andi into forgetting, then fucking her and eating her. You know what, though? That’s what he used to do to Caroline. He did that in episode two! No one look surprised! He’s a bad person! He – I think he’s mostly trying to talk himself into it, these days, because the other option - not being evil – is terrifying, but he’s not good people. I think it’s like having a pitbull: that dog can be amazing and wonderful and the best dog in the whole world, but you cannot then look surprised when and if it mauls a kid.
”Oh, shut up, silly woman,” said the reptile with a grin. “You know damn well I was a snake before you took me in.”
I love the guy. But trusting him, at this point, is just a bad fucking idea.
(I actually really like that he called Elena out on it: “You can’t expect me to always be the better person just because you ask me to.” She’s getting a lot of mileage out of his being in love with her, and wanting her to be happy, and it’s the teeniest bit disingenuous. I think nine times out of ten she really think she’s helping him be a better person; I also think that tenth time, she knows exactly what she’s doing. “There’s a bit of the Petrova fire in you,” Katherine said, and she wasn’t wrong.)
(This is also why Bonnie has the best approach to Damon, at this point: I will trust you up until you prove to me you can’t, and then I will fucking light you on fire. Also, quit treating ladies like fuckable salad bars; it’s tacky.)
27) “Love does that, Damon. It changes us.” Andie Star! Being right fairly early out of the gate! I am starting to hope you don’t end up dead at the end of Damon’s 168th-year-crisis.
(Also: it is totally understandable that Damon hates and is terrified by that concept. The last time he was in love, it was Katherine, and ahahahahahaha now he’s an immortal predator with lady issues and a constant underlying ache at not being human anymore. He literally because something else last time. What the hell’s gonna happen this time?)
(--realistically, I think he’d be like a less emo Stefan, which: MADE OF WIN AND PUPPIES. But that terrifies him too, because Damon Salvatore Also Has Little Brother Issues.)
28) Aaaaaaaaand John and Isobel have a back deal with Katherine. THIS IS NOT MY SURPRISED FACE, JOHN GILBERT. GET OFF MY LAWN.
Next week: Stefan and Elena get out of town for a romantic weekend at a lakeside cabin. No points for guessing how that’s gonna go.
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Uncle John: for reals, Elena is so forgiving and compassionate that it actually borders on mental disorder, and even she is like, "Oh, fuck you, chucklehead, there is no way that I'm buying what you're selling." WHEN YOU ARE THAT SLEAZY, IT IS TIME TO REEVALUATE YOUR LIFE. Also, how is no one bringing up the fact that he has fingers again? I mean, everyone not in the know about night-bumping things, anyway. The town has, like, 400 people in it (which makes the weakly civic events even more hilarious), there is no way that that police report didn't get leaked.
Seriously, once Jenna realizes what people have really been lying to her about for the past year and a half, she's not going to stop slapping people upside the head for weeks. And she's not going to care if they're human, vampire, or witch, either.
Has someone been sneaking Katherine blood? She doesn't look nearly as terrible as she ought for someone trapped in the tomb for weeks now. And, wow, is that going to end badly when she inevitably gets out. That right there is a woman who keeps a list.
Caroline being tortured killed me, and completely destroyed any sympathy that Jules or Brady had with me. You think you have to take out all the vampires as a matter of self-preservation? Fine. Kill her, this is a brutal universe and everyone's morals are completely fucked up. But don't torture her for funsies. (Tyler needs his ass kicked, hard, and I should not be nearly as amused as I am that Stefan's idea of support is just casually slapping people around. That is...Damon is supposed to be the psycho brother, and yet he generally just looms and pops his eyes when he's trying to make a point. I should not be nearly as amused by how fucked that is.)
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I would pay real money for Jenna to actually just start slapping people when/if Alaric or Elena tells her. (I'm starting to think Jeremy's gonna get pissed about something, as he is wont to do, and tell her just to be a dick.)
(Hilariously, if you sit down and make a list of how many times everyone on the show should get to beat the shit out of Damon before he's okay in everyone's books? Jenna's not really on it. She might do it for Elena or Jeremy's sakes--and probably that time he killed Alaric--but otherwise? Not really. He mostly comes over and makes dinner.)
Caroline gets all the ponies, ever. YOU CAN'T EVER KILL HER OR BONNIE, SHOW. NOT EVEN KIDDING.
Stefan Salvatore: totally okay with flamethrowers since 2009.
Damon needs to spend massive, massive amounts of time in therapy and just learn to handle his shit without all the mindrape and eating of people. That's why Rose being dead just kills me: he would have been so much better with his own Lexi. (There's also a parallel in the second book that they're gonna get into in the flashbacks during 2.15, but basically, Stefan was Damon back in the day before he met Lexi and fell in--he says love? but in strong like with another human girl. It's as much Lexi as the other girl, though. People need outlets for this sort of shit.)
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Skullfucking. Totally
19) The minute John was all, “This is ask from the white oak tree,” I made dolphin noises. WHITE ASH WOOD, YOU GUYS. WHITE ASH WOOD. OH GOD, NOW I MISS MEREDITH’S CRAZY GRANDDAD.
I think the noise I made at that was actually too high for human hearing, since my husband didn't comment. WHITE ASH WOOD! Hee. I will now hold out hope that Meredith shows up next season as Isobel's research assistant or something. Or witch-hunter, whatever, I'm not picky. NEED MEREDITH. But they're not really doing much with Bonnie right now so maybe they don't deserve another awesome female character.
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I am perfectly ready for Stefan to try some interrogation out of the books.
Oh, the white ash wood? I will admit to WHOOPING, because that is what my sister and I said to each other when Klaus was first mentioned: WHITE ASH WOOD AND HONORIA FELL.
I AM HOLDING OUT FOR BRILLIANT USE OF BOTH.
And the werewolves officially need to be hurt. badly. NO FUCKING WITH CAROLINE. SO NOT ON TYLER YOU MORON. GIRLS DO NOT LIKE IT WHEN YOU LET THEM GET TORTURED. REMEMBER HOW YOU TREATED VICKI LIKE CRAP AND SHE WAS NOT PLEASED WITH YOU? YEAH, THIS IS WAY PAST THAT. LEARN A LESSON.
Family is so huge on this show, and methinks that one thing this season will do is really define what the Mystic Falls family is - and also that when humans, witches and werewolves are in cahoots is a bad idea to mess with them. Some of them are crazy, and the rest of them are fierce.
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I AM SO GLAD I AM FINALLY CAUGHT UP (except for how I am still angry over Rose, dammit).
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ALSO, BONNIE/ELENA/CAROLINE 4EVAAAAAA oh my God Tyler Lockwood YOU GET OFF HER LAWN, YOU INCREDIBLE SHITHEAD.