OH MY GOD. Okay. So. Deep breaths.

* JORDAN WHAT THE ACTUAL SHIT. I--look, I get that her Trouble is goddamn terrible; I get that at best, she and Nathan had a sketchy relationship that was doomed to go nowhere. She legitimately doesn't see anything wrong with people being Troubled, which is a way better way to go, IMO, than the whole Rev theory of "Troubled people are cursed, BURN THEM LIKE WITCHES", and God knows recent events have made me more sympathetic re: stress makes you do crazy shit.


She literally has the same amount of reasons to believe that having Wade kill Lexie will end the Troubles permanently as Nathan does thinking having Audrey kill him will end them permanently: REALLY NONE AT ALL. These are terrible plans! These are terrible plans based on no facts whatsoever! We SHOULD lock you all in the goddamn police station and try to work out between you - and by "you", I mean Nathan, Audrey, Duke, Jordan, Dwight, Wade, and the Teagues - some semblance of a timeline, and possibly working theories YOU CAN SOMEHOW TEST.

Also, I get that Jordan doesn't see anything wrong with activating Wade's Crocker Trouble, but it's sketchy as shit considering that the Guard mostly wants Crockers dead because of said Trouble.

* Is it wrong that I'm hoping Dwight's "case" in Cleaves Mills involves giant rats and a laundry? Also, since when has Dwight been a cop? Is that just a thing we did in Haven, make him a cop, and now that's just what we tell neighboring towns?

* Vince and Simon were friends! Vince killed Simon! Vince's blood activates Troubles! Oh my God, what the shit does Dave do?

* I will say that in a season that's sort of been iffy on Troubles, Countdown to Petrification Guy is extremely creepy. Also, yay for Vicky from Sketchy having a job!

* Gloria the new M.E. can stay forever. "I bought weed from you." "I was...undercover." As soon as her paperwork comes through, she's going back to being a resort doctor, goddammit. (And while I'm sorry to see Lucassi go, the fact that he fled in the middle of the night, while stealing cats? GENIUS.)

* Wade, Wade, Wade. Saying shit like "this town needs me to end the Troubles" IS WHAT SUPERVILLAINS SAY.

* "I want to end the Troubles. You should, too." "You're right, I should. Pisses me off that I don't." Oh my God, if this show doesn't end in a stable triad relationship, I am legitimately going to be sad. Those are not the faces of two guys who are in love with the same woman! Those are the faces of two dudes who are really slow to realize that while they are both in love with the same woman, THEY ALSO LOVE EACH OTHER. (To be fair, I think Nathan is still waaaaaaaay too hung up on his Terrible Plan A to quite get with the program, but Duke? Ohhhhhh no. Duke's face every time he's around both of them is a study in Goddammit, I Couldn't Do Something Sensible And Just Fall in Love With One Person, Could I?)

* Welcome to Haven! You know it's Haven, because in the middle of a case, four people are in an electronics store, and three of them have guns drawn! Only one of 'em is a cop.

* Nathan's voice on "Parker?" made my chest do a stupid thing. I refuse to apologize for this. (For the record, it did the same thing on Audrey's "damn it, Duke" last week. UGH THIS SHOW.)

* "We've spent our lives doing impossible things. Now we just have to do another." That's the Parker family motto, right there. (And yeah, she's only a year old. Audrey Parker's the oldest Audrey, except maybe however long Sarah was out - at least 9 months, right? What with having James? So she gets a family motto.)

* ...yeah, Haven parents, segregating the schools re: Troubled and non-Troubled kids is in no way going to end horribly.

* And then Nathan LETS WADE GO, even after he just STABBED A GUY, BECAUSE DUKE ASKED HIM TO. Okay, so maybe I was wrong on the timeline re: Dudes Realizing They Are in Love With Dudes.


* Next week: Dream shenanigans! (And if it turns out that Duke's the one having the "sexy schoolteacher/naked spanking" dream, EVERYONE ON THIS SHOW GETS A FRUIT BASKET.)
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