Oh my God you guys, we need to have a long talk about MVP. Or, as the DVD copy calls it, MVP: The Secret Lives of Hockey Wives.

See, a few months ago - for no apparent reason, much like how I've spent this week catching up on 3 seasons of Lost Girl - I
got into Haven, which is awesome and great and will be the subject of a pimp post pretty soon. But because I got into Haven, I did that thing where you start doing the IMDB Crawl of Shame, catching up on everything the cast's been in. Which means I've seen things like Dinoshark and Hell Ride, because apparently Eric Balfour is determined to break me and I WILL NOT LET HIM. On the plus side, HR features possibly the best awful bar fight I've ever seen, courtesy of Balfour and a tuxedo'd Michael Madsen. IT IS GR--okay, Gale, no, separate post.

(I have also watched awful things for Lucas Bryant, but Balfour's been in a lot more things. Also, Bryant's tend to be a different kind of awful? Like, no SyFy TV movies, but shit like The Vow, in which he dresses, in turn, like every single member of 100 Monkeys, and Merry In-Laws, which...is a Christmas movie that aired on Lifetime. Different categories, same kind of wince. ANYWAY.)

I couldn't find any--ahem--sketchy ways of watching MVP, so I tried going through what I could find on YouTube. Within an hour of watching the trailer and someone's thoughtfully-provided series of Kris Holden-Reid's clips, I had ordered myself my birthday present.


Basically, it's the Canadian Melrose Place, except instead of being centered around an apartment complex, we're dealing with a hockey team. Specifically, the Mustangs. In the pilot, star player Adam McBride keels over during the big kickoff party for the new season--and, okay, we need to talk about his memorial service. The entire team, in black suits with red armbands, carries his coffin out onto the ice to "Spirit in the Sky". THAT ACTUALLY HAPPENS. It is fantastic. And leaves me with many, many questions about Canada, like--is this a thing that happens? Are people THAT nuts about hockey? I hope not, because if this is commonplace, we need to have a Talk, Canada.

And then the sketchy team manager takes his $5 million life insurance policy and uses it to buy Trevor Lemonde's $5 million contract, leaving Adam's wife and 20-something daughter broke and seeking revenge, because HOCKEY IS SRS BSNSS.

-Literally, when the coach - who is Gabe's dad - says to Gabe at the kickoff party "Why is it every time I see you, you're putting food in your goddamn mouth?" I LITERALLY, out loud, in my room, said, "So he doesn't put a dick in it." I am a horrible person.

-Holy shit, Canada still has phone booths.

-guys, we need to have a long talk about the man with the best name in all of hockey: DAMON TREBUCHET. Damon, who is constantly hitting on ladies to the point where Gabe has to tell him, "Dude, not now" when he's cruising Molly, Adam's daughter, at his memorial, does all this? BECAUSE HE NEEDS TO GET OVER THE CRUSHING PAIN OF HIS DEAD WIFE AND CHILD. Either that or he sees ghosts. I am still weirdly charmed by him, even though he has a Cupboard of Damon's Love and is just generally a dick.

-Gabe and Connie, ugh, GABE AND CONNIE. I--okay, so when Gabe's out getting coffee he sees this tiny, cute blonde woman being harassed by her sisters for being a virgin (I KNOW) and steps in, all "please don't harass my ladyfriend" and Connie turns BRIGHT PINK and does not even know him, but - like, that's it, Gabe is gone. He basically stalks her to the school where she teaches pre-K and gets a tiny child to give her her shoe back - long story - and follows her home, and I PROMISE it is less creepy than it sounds, especially because his reaction to her being like "you know what, my life is on a set trajectory, and I do not have time to date the world's hottest hockey player" is "HOW ARE YOU REAL?" like he has magically dreamed her up, and maybe he did. (There is also a whole thing where they hide in shrubbery from her sisters and the paparazzi catch them, and she is all !!!! like a Victorian heroine, and you can see the cartoon hearts in his eyes and UGH I LOVE THEM SO MUCH.) Though seriously, Gabe: the innocent princess you are in love with just walked in on your getting a lapdance from a hardcore Canadian stripper. While you were wearing a pilot's hat. THIS IS NOT THE TIME TO BE ALL "IT'S NO BIG DEAL".

-and while we're at it, GABE FUCKING MCCALL. I--you guys, this is a show where "the nice guy" has to testify IN A COURT OF LAW about the time him and his improbably-named bro DOUBLE-TEAMED A LADY.

-Every time the closed-captioning says "Trevor Lemonde", my brain autocorrects it to "Trevor Lemonade", so that's just what I call him now. AND I AM RIGHT TO, because he is like eighteen and adorable and does not look old enough to shave, let alone drive, and just--HE HAS A GIRL BACK HOME, OKAY. And yeah, Tabbi is small-town and provincial, and does shit like spell out that she's gonna put Nan in the H-O-M-E ("She can spell! "Yeah, but she can't hear, so it's fine") and make him a plate of sausages for the ride into the big city, and just--I did not expect to kind of like everyone! (Except the manager, who is a douche, and possibly Coach Gabe's Dad, who might also be a douche. We'll see.)

-I love that the team doctor's all "We don't know why his heart gave out at 41!" Uh, the first thing we saw him do is a bump of coke, followed by like four drinks. I don't know that you really need to call Quincy in on this one.

-We are not even to Kris Holden-Reid, who plays a Russian hockey superstar and speaks with an awful fake Russian accent. I AM LEGIT EXCITED.
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