1313: Cougar Cult. HOLY SHIT, YOU GUYS. HOLY SHIT.

Okay, so back in the 80s, David DeCoteau made a movie called Nightmare Sisters starring Linnea Quigley, Brinke Stevens, and Michelle Bauer; horror fans might recognize them as the most prominent of the "scream queens". Aaaaaand apparently he decided in 2011 that the time was rife to team up with those ladies again, because 1313: Cougar Cult exists. The plot--such as it is--centers around three college students moving in with a group of South American sisters as their live-in masseuse/cook/pool boy only to find that the women are from a legendary tribe of skinwalking Amazons who can transform into cougars and are seeking their mates while appeasing their goddess with human sacrifices.

You guys: that is the plot of this movie.

I just--I literally don't know where to start with this one. For starters, none of those ladies are South American, though there is an offhand mention that they lived down there with their parents, so I think we're supposed to assume it's a "Daddy worked in Rio, so technically I'm South American" situation from these three clearly Anglo-Saxon middle-aged women...who I guess were grandfathered into a tribe of Amazons? Grandmothered? Don't bother asking, the actual movie will not clear things up for you.

So after killing their pool boy Henry, the sisters--no, seriously: they're sisters--realize it's time to find their mates and decide that the next three guys to answer their live-in help ad over the summer are it. Which is right around the time Coopersmith (no, REALLY) and his friends show up! What awesome timing!

Then it's--okay, look: at their best, DD movies have really no plot, or at least not enough to fill their runtime. There are, hand to God, like five or six scenes that are literally just looped footage: here are the sisters stalking inside from by the pool; here are the sisters raising their hands to summon their Amazonian cat goddess; here are the sisters walking up the ridiculous marble staircase. Seriously, the exact same three shots. Did I mention they're color-corrected so everything looks blue-white? Because they are. It is amazing. Also, while they are walking, someone has overlaid the sound of big cats (presumably cougars) yowling, because THEY ARE COUGARS. Get it?

So after Coopersmith has a series of nightmares that leave him and his snow-white briefs writhing in fear on the dark red sheets while ladies in their fifties make cat noises and pretend to claw at his thighs--no: REALLY--he finds that his two friends have become the sisters' slaves. Luckily for him, he knows how to break the curse: by hitting Linnea Quigley in the head with her own "talisman of power" (...that was totally bought from Party City at their after-Halloween sale) and the sisters are destroyed. And the boys get to live in their house now, because fuck bitches, right?

...I mean, they don't say that, but that's sort of the message here. There's a high-five and a freeze frame and everything.

The whole thing is just a shitshow. No one in this movie can act worth a damn; Quigley and her "sisters" do a pretty good job, because they know what kind of movie they're in, and it is really weird watching people in a DD movie be deliberately over-the-top. The men, however, are all painfully earnest in a way you don't usually see outside of summer stock. I do think it's funny that one of Coopersmith's friends turns up as the protagonist of 1313: Night of the Widow, because apparently DD likes to promote from within.

Some other things of note, before the Best Thing I've Ever Seen:

* The ladies drink red wine. If by "red wine", you mean "water with red food coloring in it" or possibly "Kool-Aid". You guys, THEY DID NOT HAVE BOX OF WINE MONEY. That is just...really incredibly sad.

* There is about 20 minutes' worth of this movie devoted to dudes taking showers. Not that this actually means anything, because the camera pans down to the obliques in question...and just fucking stops. You do not even see ass! Considering that in the fourth Brotherhood movie, a guy has a semi for an entire scene and another has underwear so tight and wet you can see piss slit, this is disappointing.

* Always remember: in DD movies, when you're being anointed for human sacrifice to an Amazonian cat goddess, ladies in their fifties will rub you in oil and toss glitter on you. I'm sorry, "ashes". Those are ashes. That's why the Cullens sparkle so much: ASHES.

* At one point, to appease their bloodlust, the sisters straight-up call a male prostitute to come to the house. I don't know, I just like that a bunch of murderers are equal opportunity and sex-positive. Sure, it's followed by human sacrifice, but still!

* Coopersmith, who's been made the "chef", makes literally one dish during the entire movie: veal parmesan. And he bitches about it, because veal parmesan is hard to make.

* Friend #3, whose name I cannot remember offhand, looks like Low-Rent Justin Bartha. That has nothing to do with the plot; it just unnerves me.

Aaaaaaaaaaaand then we have Cougar Face. HOLY SHIT YOU GUYS COUGAR FACE.

So remember how I said the ladies could turn into cougars? Well, if you don't have red wine money, you sure as shit do not have CGI money. So instead, this happens:



YOU ARE NOT IMAGINING ANY OF THAT. THAT IS STOCK ART OF A COUGAR FACE SUPERIMPOSED OVER A HUMAN HEAD. Not even--THEY DID NOT EVEN PHOTOSHOP OUT ANYONE'S HAIR, OKAY. Have I mentioned that as this is going on, there are cat noises on the soundtrack? And as you might be able to tell from the pictures, THERE ARE SPARKLES BEHIND THE COUGAR FACE. LIKE, AS A BACKGROUND.

I just. You guys, I have seen a bunch of David DeCoteau movies; we've already talked about Grizzly Rage, but I'm up to--what, six or seven by now. (Which is either amazing or fucking horrifying; jury's still out on that one.) THAT IS THE DUMBEST THING I HAVE EVER SEEN. And I have seen Ring of Darkness, okay, in which a revenant boy band is brought back via voodoo and managed by Adrienne Barbeau, and one of the gods they pray to is Zuul. Yes, Zuul. From Ghostbusters.

You need to see this movie right. Fucking. Now. No, seriously. GET ON THIS.
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