1) Okay, look: we are three weeks into this and I cannot muster up a damn thing about this show. Seriously. Not one. I have taken to calling the town "Crab Hole" instead of "Chance Harbor". No one is compelling, or frankly that interesting, except for Dawn and Charles, and they are only in the show. That's like Jeremy being my favorite. You know what happened three weeks in on TVD? Damon killed Mr. Tanner. Here, Charles and Zach get into a fistfight that ends when Zach cracks him over the head with some boards. THAT'S IT. THAT'S THE WHOLE THING.

I just--I do not get why this thing is dull as old paint, and it's starting to legitimately get infuriatng, because the books are really good, you guys. I just. AAAAAAAGH.

2) It is utterly asinine that they can only do magic when at least two of them are together. All you need to do to fuck someone up is get him or her alone. "Cassie, come with me." NO YOU ARE DOOMED.

3) Also, seriously: I am not loving insecure Diana even a little.

4) Cassie Blake, you are made of ponies and joy. "I hate keeping secrets! And you're all weird!" SING IT, GIRL. The longer she holds out against the weirdness, the more I want to hug her.

5) Ugh Melissa and Nick you cannot pay me to give a shit. He's an asshole, she has no spine, whatever.

6) Is it wrong that I want Sally and Luke to start dating and became Cassie's friends who sympathize with her problems with her asshole witch family? They can be her Scooby Gang!

--wait, no: Cassie (along with Luke and Sally) hates the Circle and how they've tried to take over her life, so she teams up with Dawn and Charles to destroy them and end their power. I would watch the shit out of that show, where Cassie goes evil and evil wins and she gets to bone Gale Harold.

7) Sally: Adam does not have soulful eyes. He has a shitload of eyeliner.

8) OH MY GOD ADAM. You are not dating the girl; you are dating Diana. Therefore, you do not get to be a douchey boy and be all pissy because Cassie is going out with someone who's not you.

9) --okay, for real, the one thing in this show that's actually interesting is finding out what the fuck happened in 1995 to kill a bunch of people and make Zach's girlfriend catatonic and how it ties in with the elders binding Dawn and Charles' (and the rest of the survivors') powers.

10) I am actually really looking forward to Diana and Charles actually being honest with each other about their goddamn magical powers, for real.

11) I don't want to end up liking this goddamn show because of goddamn Gale Harold and his goddamn relationships with people.

12) "We can't kill everybody who gets in our way." Uh, no, you totally can. They do it in Virginia and just call them heart attacks and rogue mountain lions. It's a small island town! People drown all the time!

13) Okay, what the actual fuck. Faye wouldn't run from a fight if you paid her to. She would just get up, huck something heavy at the guy, and kick him when he's down. She wouldn't make that terrified deer face and flee. I'm just--you guys read these books before you started outlining the season, right?

14) The fact that we're supposed to be shipping Adam and Cassie is utterly baffling to me. I like Britt Robertson, and Thomas Dekker is certainly...on the show, but they have the chemistry of a pair of turnips.

15) Yes, Cassie! You go be alone with Luke, when it's been demonstrated that any of you alone is particularly vulnerable! WAY TO PLAN, DIANA.

16) That fistfight was totally lame. It's also the most exciting thing to happen on this show in three weeks.

17) Aaaaaaaand we end with Dawn "marking" Zach and threatening to destroy him if he ever comes back and bothers them again, and I...feel nothing. Step up your game, TSC; you're playing weak.

Next week: Catatonic Heather starts acting like the witch in Army of Darkness! Shenanigans! "Heather", next Thursday, 9 PM EST.
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