1) Connor chokes out a security guard to attack Tyler and steal werewolf venom! Goddammit, is this gonna be a thing this year? Where the bad guys are all competent and shit? Because if it is, everyone's losing a hand or something. I love Team Salvatore, but they are not good at plans. At all. Whatsoever.

2) Also, I kind of love that he lives out of a Winnebago. With a homemade drug lab. Seriously, what the hell kind of background does he have?

3) Damon wanting to honor his and Stefan's deal--whoever Elena chooses, the other one leaves town--is kind of sweet. Sort of a dick move, now that Elena's a vampire, but sweet. Salvatores pick the weirdest times to honor gentlemen's agreements.

4) "Why don't you stop being dramatic?" Ahahahahahahahaha WHY IS THAT NOT ALREADY A MACRO FOR THIS SHOW? Seriously, just horrifying screen caps with that over it.

5) Elena's still feeding on Matt, because--I don't know, she's lazy? Terrified? You could at least try something else, Gilbert. I know free-range is great, but it's not always gonna be available.

6) "If I had any more, I'm afraid I wouldn't stop." Said in a light tone of voice, while wiping blood from her mouth with a Kleenex. NOT CREEPY AT ALL, OH NO.

7) Aaaaaaaand then Klaus comes back and puts guards on Tyler, because there are only so many hybrids and Mikaelsons have weirder ideas of family than the Salvatores.

8) "Where's Mr. Saltzman? Oh, that's right: I killed him."

UGH REBEKAH YOU ARE STILL THE WORST. YOU AND KOL. Just--I want to like her! I really do! Her flirting with Matt is so goddamn sad/cute/awkward, and I actually like the way she is around Elijah, but then she does shit like this--or, you know, SENDING MATT AND ELENA OFF THE GODDAMN BRIDGE IN THE FIRST PLACE--and I remember: Wait, no, not a person. She's person-shaped. Damon was more of a person in S1, and Damon killed their first history teacher because Stefan accused him of having human emotions. It is frustrating as hell.

9) And then she sends in Heather, who's been bitten, to tempt Elena with delicious people snacks! Between this and the ring thing later, just--I'm loathe to use the C word, Rebekah, but the B word? Hovering pretty fucking close.

10) So Connor's weird ghost tattoo (GHOST TATTOO!) is a "hunter's mark", only visible to hunters or those who could become hunters. Okay, that is so dumb it's kind of great. Alaric really was a moonshiner, wasn't he? Shit.

11) Good news: Connor's Winnebago isn't private or a residence, so Damon can enter. Bad news: BOOBY-TRAPPED. The best part is Damon's little exhausted face. "Goddammit, I didn't use to make these fucking mistakes before I moved back here. Get on your A game, Salvatore."

12) Vampire Skip Day! Oh my God, they should do this every year.

13) I do love that Hayley, Tyler's hot werewolf lady friend, rolls into town, and is immediately like, "Give me your finest scotch, One Night Stand--I mean, Tyler." Also, ONE OF YOU IS IN HIGH SCHOOL. (Not sure about Hayley. Still would like to know more about werewolf culture in general, re: this show.)

14) "Tell me that's not a bomb!" "Okay, it's a kitten. An adorable, exploding kitten." Sorry, Dr. Fell: I think you just got upgraded to "Backup Alaric". You could do worse. (Also, if the show makes them the same kind of awkward bros who never have sex and constantly drink and commit mayhem, I will clap like a baby harp seal.)

15) And then Meredith CUTS OUT THE GODDAMN BOMB while Damon just stands there, like this is a normal Wednesday to him. Vampires, man.

16) The reason Damon's out there? Stefan had a physics test. SHUT UP you will never convince me that deep down, Damon doesn't secretly obsess about Stefan doing really well this time around as far as grades go. I am legit waiting for him to get twitchy about where Stefan wants to go to college.

17) One of my favorite things about this show, no joke, is how vampires constantly seem baffled that humans hold grudges when someone's tried to kill them. Damon did it with Alaric; now it's Rebekah and Matt. "You didn't even die! Are you still going on about that?" YES.

18) Ahahahahahaha then Matt outs Rebekah to Connor. And it's not that I want her dead, for the reasons Stefan outlines later, but I could do with severely tortured for a while. Really take the pressure off Caroline and Damon.

19) "You keep alcohol in your underwear drawer?"

Never change, Damon. Okay, change a little. But in your own time! Some of us accept that he's always going to be a work in progress, ELENA.

20) Is anyone surprised that Rebekah's anti-curfew party is mostly held outside? Mid-afternoon was a pleasant surprise, though. It's a step in the right direction.

21) Elena Gilbert: the world's best dead parent Yoda. She is aces at that shit.

22) And then! Rebekah pocketed Elena's lapis ring and tossed it down the disposal, making Elena burn herself and shove her hand in A GODDAMN GARBAGE DISPOSAL, and just. GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH Rebekah YOU ARE MAKING IT NIGH IMPOSSIBLE TO NOT WANT SOMEONE TO DAGGER YOU AGAIN.

23) Elena's revenge kegstand was pretty sweet, though.

24) Stefan. Bro. I get what you are saying? But you are picking not the best time to be all "if you kill Rebekah, every vampire in her line will die and you will be riddled with guilt blah blah blee" on her. SHE DOES NOT CARE RIGHT NOW. Also, you...could maybe lead with how guilt about harming someone else is like knives or something? IDK, something more tangible than "killing Rebekah kills others", because Elena is all out of give a fuck, just now.

25) Aaaaaaaaand the beer is loaded with werewolf venom. What the fuck? Does Connor know the guy at the liquor store? Are they easy to tamper with? WHAT? (Kegs being easy to tamper with is a horrifying prospect, for real.)

26) And then OH SHIT Klaus figures out that Tyler cheated on Caroline with Hayley during his whole breaking-the-sire-bond road trip. Now, I know basically nothing about Hayley, but I know a lot about Caroline Forbes. And I like me some Tyler Lockwood. And that, sir, is shit old Tyler would have pulled. You know, the one who didn't want to be seen dating Vicki because his lush of a society wife mother thought the Donovans were trash. I wasn't fond of that guy! Didn't really want to see him again! AND YET.


(Okay, so maybe not cheated, as I'm half-sure they were actually broken up when he left for said road trip. But you still haven't told her, and she was fending off Romantic Klaus, most tempting of all the Klauses. STILL NOT GREAT, SIR.)

28) Oh man, Damon and Klaus teaming up to take out Connor. That's like six nightmares right there. You know who you don't want teaming up? The two guys in town who like fucking shit up for reasons such as "it's Tuesday".

29) Seeing Elena stand up on the back of Stefan's bike - accepting, in some small way, that she's harder to hurt, that she's different, that it's not all bad - was actually really lovely.

30) Vampire boning! Vampire boning + drinking werewolf venom beer = hallucinating Damon. I've seen worse.

31) Hallucination!Matt's "you've been alive for a thousand years, and you've wasted it on petty bullshit. Grow up" speech to Rebekah was as lovely as her reaction--ripping out his still-beating heart, wooooo--was unsurprising. Handle your shit, Mikaelson; your brother's more mature than you are, and he FREQUENTLY MURDERS PEOPLE. (That applies to Klaus, specifically. Elijah is more mature than the continent of Antarctica, and Kol is, as I occasionally mention, an asshole.)

32) So Connor's one of The Five. No idea what that is, though judging by Klaus actually looking scared, it's not good. (Five bucks says it's related to Mikael, somehow. Dads on The Vampire Diaries: always fucking up shit.)

33) Then Connor takes advantage of Klaus being distracted and gets free, triggering the bomb and BLOWING UP PART OF THE GODDAMN HOSPITAL. Wh--Jesus Christ, you guys, that is a hospital. There are patients in there. (Which is Meredith's argument as to why she and Damon will not be bros anytime soon.)

34) "In the future, one voicemail is just as effective as nine." ...fine, Klaus, you can stay.

35) I can deal with April and Rebekah being bros, because so far I really like April--and frankly, anything that humanizes Rebekah cannot be bad.

36) And then Klaus saves Elena, because...apparently a vampire ex-doppelganger might be useful against the Five? Somewhere, Katherine Pierce just looked startled and booked it to Rio without actually knowing why yet.

37) "I told you I could be a badass!" "Badasses don't say that." Sue me, I like the two minutes a year Jeremy and Damon get along. (See also: the S1 Anna conversation over Xbox--"Hot trumps crazy"--and both instances of whammying.)

38) What Stefan doesn't get--or Caroline, weirdly--is that the Stefan who was Caroline's vampire Yoda isn't the same Stefan we have now. That Stefan was a long way from The Ripper; he'd had a good seventy or eighty years between appearances, with Lexi popping up every birthday to help readjust his alignment. This one's gone on like three murder sprees, remembered he used to be friends with Klaus, and visited his forgotten Closet of Shame: Chicago edition. Caroline's had guilt in his bones, in his spine, propping him up; Elena's is riddled with it, like tumors. He can't be as effective, no matter how much he loves her.

39) That said, Elena legit needs a Yoda, like, right now, because OH MY GOD GIRL YOU JUST ALMOST ATE MATT. (Which Damon whammies him to forget, but still: ALMOST ATE YOUR EX-BOYFRIEND, WHO IS AMAZING. BAD ELENA.)

40) Aaaaaaaaand apparently Damon is going to be Elena's Yoda. This will either end horribly or fantastic.

41) And then! Klaus saved Connor and spirited him back to the Vampire Hunting Winnebago, to tell him all about The Five. Because if there's one thing Klaus likes more than murder or mayhem, it's story time.

NEXT WEEK: Elena and Damon tag along on Bonnie's field trip to Grandma Sheila's former place of employment, _____________ College, to meet the new Occult professor (dear show: that is still fucking stupid as hell)...while dressed as Jack the Ripper and two of his victims, which becomes infinitely funnier if you've read the Stefan's Diaries books (WHICH ARE CANON, OKAY). See Damon try and teach Elena to hunt! See Elena and Bonnie walk around with SURPRISINGLY GRAPHIC PARTIALLY VISIBLE CHEST WOUNDS! "The Killer", next Thursday--November 1, weirdly--8 PM EST.
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