Ugh, Jeff Eastin: I would really, really appreciate it if you didn't treat this season of White Collar like that episode last season when Peter and Neal traded places and I wanted to punch the witness for acting like "Neal Caffrey" was some sort of ogre because Tim DeKay is 6'3" and built like a brick shithouse. I AM SAYING I WAS IRRATIONALLY ANGRY, OKAY. I don't need that shit for 16 goddamned episodes.

Okay, look. I like Neal Caffrey. It is really hard not to like Neal Caffrey; he is funny and smart and charming and has a fondness for classic fedoras, and he can sing. And he looks amazing naked. All good things!

HOWEVER.

Neal: no, you didn't steal the Nazi treasure cache. But Moz did, and you just sort of...cheerfully carried along, because hey, you didn't do anything wrong, so that's okay, right? NO. NO IT'S FUCKING NOT. I mean, for starters, it's a Nazi treasure cache, which means all of that needs to be reappropriated to the people IT WAS STOLEN FROM, ASSHOLE, and for second--no, you know what? That in and of itself is a really good reason to not be a fuckface, Neal.

But you're spying--on Elizabeth, who has never been anything but good to you. It's not even like pulling this shit on Peter, who is naturally suspicious OF A FUCKING CONVICTED CRIMINAL HE'S CAUGHT TWICE; you're doing it to his wife, who is your goddamned cheerleader and always has been, and who spent most of the hour trying to tell Peter you're not a bad guy.

Well, guess what, asshole? YOU FUCKING ARE. You haven't changed a goddamned bit in two seasons, you've just gotten better at knowing how the Feds catch you. You have the balls to act hurt when Peter suspects you of doing something you are actually fucking involved in doing--and I don't care how Jeff Eastin is trying to sell me on Sara being the love of your life, you're pretty fucking quick to bail on her AND Peter AND any chance you have of being anything other than a goddamned criminal, so Jeff Eastin can quit trying to make me write Sara/Neal fanfic.

(Which, admittedly, I wasn't going to do anyway, because while I like Sara as a person, I need more than six fucking episodes' worth of scenes in the same goddamned room to make me believe in anything other than sportfucking. ANYWAY.)

(Also, I am not so much mad at Moz? Because Moz, at least, has had the balls to spend two seasons going "nope! I'm a criminal and I like it that way, and I am also paranoid and occasionally make friends with people I should be suspicious of, when I'm not collecting really amazing apartments." I haven't spent two years dealing with Jeff Eastin's bullshit redemption arc for Mozzie, so that's fine. Moz is, and has always been, himself. I like that.)

It--do you not know what's going to happen when Peter finally fucking catches you? Have you ever seen Nate Ford get pissed off? Because this is like that, BUT WITH THE FULL FORCE OF THE FBI BEHIND HIM. JESUS CHRIST IT'S PETER BURKE GET IN THE CAR. Have fun back in prison, Neal.

It's not at all Matt Bomer's fault, because Matt Bomer is fucking flawless, and Tim DeKay is breaking my fucking heart every five minutes like that's his job and being an FBI agent is secondary. It is absolutely not the actor's faults. It's Jeff Eastin making me wish I was going to SDCC this year so I could pay Matt Nix five bucks to punch him in the dick.

On the plus side, Peter Burke: MOTHERFUCKING FLAWLESS.

Also, note to self: I need to stop reading tumblrs where people are assholes to Ian Somerhalder, because that is the fastest way to get my blood pressure up. JUST SO WE'RE CLEAR.
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