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HOLY SHIT SO ALL OF THAT HAPPENED.
1) DEAR SHOW, FUCK YOU ALL TO HELL. NOW I LIKE ELIJAH. EVERYONE IS FIRED.
...no, not really, but pretty damn close, because NOW I LIKE ELIJAH. JESUS CHRIST. He was - not awesome? Because he's an Original, you guys, there's a long period of time where he probably saw people like Klaus does (i.e., like...Damon and Katherine, but even more removed), but he - he tries? Sort of? He still cares about something like personal codes of honor. All he wanted from Stefan and Damon was an apology! He kind of maybe has a way to keep Elena and Bonnie alive! He can work a suit! Daniel Gillies basically writes 140-character pieces of fanfic on his Twitter! THIS IS ROSE ALL OVER AGAIN.
2) So did everyone get hit with the giant "Klaus & Elijah are basically pre-history Salvatores" log I did? You did? Just checking.
And I mean that in all ways, because when Elijah was all over Klaus and they were giggling about "oh my God, there's that scroll I wrote!", that--you guys, that was really gay. I cannot even front. And I don't think it's a clear parable, because Damon isn't--it would be hard, in 166 years, to be as evil as HISTORY'S FIRST VAMPIRE, but he's like a reeeeeeeeeally watered-down version. And Elijah is colder than Stefan by, like, a factor of twenty, but--yeah, kind of. It's actually really sad Jesus Christ now I am having feelings about motherfucking Klaus. FIRED.
3) I appreciate the continuity in terms of "flashbacks = terrible hair". Katherine looked fine (but then, when doesn't Nina?), and Elijah was--tolerable? The same way P. Wes looks better when his Tyra fivehead isn't exposed. But Joseph Morgan just--it's like Damon with the crimping iron, you guys. WHY. Also, for real, those outfits? Stolen from the Merlin set.
4) Hi Trev--excuse me, Trefor. Oh, wait, no, bye, Trevor.
5) I kind of like that the one time Elijah cared about a human, it ended totally fucking horribly. Pain teaches lessons! Just...not always good ones.
(And yes, duh, now I want Elijah to--not stick around? But if he popped in from time to time to look great in a suit and irritate people, I would. Possibly. Be less surly about that I HATE THIS SHOW SO MUCH.)
6) Vampires really cannot being in a place uninvited, can they? Wow. Elijah was having a fit in the boardinghouse before Elena invited him back in.
7) "It's really messy. Can you just use a blood bag today?"
"Nnnnnnnno."
Creepiest thing Damon's done in a long time. And that is saying something.
8) Carol's off vervain! Might want to take advantage of that while you can, guys.
9) I have no real read on Joseph Morgan yet, other than he looks a lot better without the awful wig. Any level of fear at this point, though, is down to Matt Davis acting coked up and fucking terrifying. Still awesome, Matt Davis!
10) As I said to someone in comments last week: if this show does not set it up so Alaric ends up possessed by Damon at some point, they have fucking wasted gold. No, wait, bodyswitching! EVEN BETTER.
11) I will say that the bones in Morgan's face make him look almost feral-looking, if the lighting is right, which is creepy as hell.
12) "Make sure Damon doesn't do anything stupid." AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA it's like she hasn't seen the last two seasons of this show.
13) I just--dude, I don't care how many times everyone yells at each other, the whole Salvatore/Elena plan? IS RIDICULOUS. "I won't let Elena die!" "We have to let Elena make her own choices!" "I don't want anyone else to die for me!" FOR FUCK'S SAKE YOUR SECRET VAMPIRE CABAL HAS LIKE SEVEN OR EIGHT PEOPLE IN IT. You mean to tell me you can't get all of you at the house - and wired in with the WiFi caves - and figure shit out? Your team includes the key to the whole stupid sacrifice ritual, three vampires--one of whom briefly fought in the Civil War - a witch armed with the power of a hundred witches, and the goddamn Batman disguised as a high school history teacher, plus maybe a werewolf and Jenna and Jeremy, both of whom can be armed with weapons. And you cannot get your shit together long enough to figure out a reasonable plan? You know who loses people along the way? PEOPLE WHO DO NOT HAVE A SET PLAN AAAAAAAAAAAGH JFC PHONE TREE.
14) Damon is not allowed into Alaric's apartment. This means Alaric Saltzman is the smartest man in Mystic Falls.
15) Klaus vs. Stefan in front of Jenna is legitimately fucking creepy and awful, and that's all down to Matt Davis being Klaus and Paul Wesley letting Stefan's anger management problem out. There is not a lot of shit creepier than someone you know - someone you love - chopping food and casually talking about vampires and murder.
16) I sort of think it's weird that every time there's a vampire at the Gilbert house, they insist on cooking.
17) Damon taunting Katherine = kind of awesome. Damon giving Katherine vervain = useful. Katherine owing Damon = will not end horribly for one or both AT ALL.
18) Jenna Sommers? Is motherfucking awesome. Yeah, she's in shock, and if she ends up wanting her mind wiped that's certainly her right. But she gets understandably pissed at Elena for not telling her the truth when literally everyone she knows is in on it, and she should be. (And Elena's mom told Jenna stories about vampires as a kid, and since the Sommers' were from Mystic Falls, it makes me wonder what the shit they tell kids in that town. Like, in general.) I really hope she remembers, you guys.
19) I also really hope she and Alaric don't stay broken up, because for real, I AM ON BOARD WITH TEAM JENNA SALTZMAN.
20) I really like that witches are sort of humanity's immune system. They make sure every species has a weakness to keep the balance! ...and the 1600s-1800s got rid of a whole chunk of them! Yeah, that won't bite us in the ass at all, will it? OH WAIT.
21) So: Klaus is Elijah's half-brother; they have the same mother. She cheated on their father with another man, and their father murdered Klaus's birth father's bloodline. Except his birth father was, in fact, a werewolf, and the witches bound the wolf part of him, and Klaus wants THAT curse broken, so he can start his own bloodline of vampwolves and eventually take over the world/destroy vampires and werewolves/bring about the apocalypse/etc.
WHICH MEANS:
a) Klaus wants to be Scott Speedman from Underworld; and
b) to use the World of Darkness terminology: YOU GUYS KLAUS IS A MOTHERFUCKING ABOMINATION.
This show is basically now just me LARPing in college. OH MY GOD SHOW I THOUGHT I COULD NOT LOVE YOU MORE AND THEN YOU DID THIS. MY HEARTHANDS CAN BE SEEN FROM SPACE.
22) --I mean, realistically, it's totally stupid, but I started watching this show because it's based on a series of YA novels I imprinted on at the age of eleven like a baby duck, so I think we can see I am motherfucking biased as all hell.
23) I do like that the Aztec curse was just BS, though. Never liked that thing.
24) Witches can kill anything. You heard that right: Bonnie Bennett is the baddest bitch on this show, CANONICALLY. Suck it, haters.
25) "Love is a vampire's greatest weakness." Ehhhhh. I mean, yeah, it makes you weak, but it gives you passion, too, you know? Who's gonna fight harder, the guy who wants to rule the world like a game of Risk or the guy who wants to save the love of his life? Passion makes impossible shit happen, guys, and only losers discount it entirely.
26) I love that Klaus gets wheeled in in a steamer trunk, like it's Salem's Lot or something.
27) OH HI SALVATORE FIGHT HERE WE GO.
I don't--in this part, I am totally on Team Stefan: Damon's been victimizing Andie since he met her, basically (like Caroline, let's not forget that; she won't), and acts like he should get an award because he hasn't murdered her yet. And that's not even remotely cool, and his argument that "it keeps me from doing anything to Elena" is dumb and fucking awful--and not entirely realistic, because it's Elena--but it's. I'm not surprised, exactly? And I feel like people are? Which is ridiculous, because in terms of being people again, Damon is making baby steps towards maybe trying to be people, and I think a lot of people tend to want to give him a pass for shit.
That said, Stefan's "I have the one thing you'll never have: [...] her respect" is just needling his brother for the sake of being a dick. Dude, we all know! You do not have to whip it out and wave it at him. My GOD, the therapy you two need.
28) "You have to leave."
"You didn't compel me. You should know someone cares about you."
WOMAN ARE YOU SERIOUS. I--look, God knows I like Damon; he's in a three-way tie for my favorite. (No points on guessing the other two.) So I say this with respect and full meaning: when Damon Salvatore tells you you should leave, you should leave. He is not a nice person. He could be, eventually, but we're a million miles from that, still. So while I'm horrified that Damon totally tried to eat her--shades of Jessica, after the Rose thing--he flat-out tells her "Get out of here, now. Before I kill you."
And then--unlike Jessica, and this is important--he doesn't stop her. He doesn't eat her. He sits there, horrified with himself, gasping and trying not to cry. He's probably thinking of ways to fuck all this up, because he self-sabotages like he majored in it at college. But.
But.
29) (For the record, this is why I think the sanest people re: Damon are Bonnie and Alaric. Bonnie doesn't trust him, but I think she gets him more, now. Kind of. And Alaric--if you asked him about Damon, he'd say "vampire" first and then "friend". Stefan will never entirely trust him; Elena trusts him more than he's earned, a lot of the time; for Katherine, he was an afterthought. Alaric and Bonnie never forget that he's a shark that might, one day, turn back into a real boy.)
30) Hey! I have an idea! How about SOMEONE GO MAKE SURE ALARIC'S OKAY JESUS CHRIST.
31) "Now that's more like it." ...so that's probably a no-go on the lightning throwing and dirty raincoats, then. Goddammit.
Next week: Damon totally disregards Elena's advice and does something stupid; Alaric...looks okay enough to be drinking with him (SCORE); and Elena and Stefan have what might be their last date ever in "The Last Day".
1) DEAR SHOW, FUCK YOU ALL TO HELL. NOW I LIKE ELIJAH. EVERYONE IS FIRED.
...no, not really, but pretty damn close, because NOW I LIKE ELIJAH. JESUS CHRIST. He was - not awesome? Because he's an Original, you guys, there's a long period of time where he probably saw people like Klaus does (i.e., like...Damon and Katherine, but even more removed), but he - he tries? Sort of? He still cares about something like personal codes of honor. All he wanted from Stefan and Damon was an apology! He kind of maybe has a way to keep Elena and Bonnie alive! He can work a suit! Daniel Gillies basically writes 140-character pieces of fanfic on his Twitter! THIS IS ROSE ALL OVER AGAIN.
2) So did everyone get hit with the giant "Klaus & Elijah are basically pre-history Salvatores" log I did? You did? Just checking.
And I mean that in all ways, because when Elijah was all over Klaus and they were giggling about "oh my God, there's that scroll I wrote!", that--you guys, that was really gay. I cannot even front. And I don't think it's a clear parable, because Damon isn't--it would be hard, in 166 years, to be as evil as HISTORY'S FIRST VAMPIRE, but he's like a reeeeeeeeeally watered-down version. And Elijah is colder than Stefan by, like, a factor of twenty, but--yeah, kind of. It's actually really sad Jesus Christ now I am having feelings about motherfucking Klaus. FIRED.
3) I appreciate the continuity in terms of "flashbacks = terrible hair". Katherine looked fine (but then, when doesn't Nina?), and Elijah was--tolerable? The same way P. Wes looks better when his Tyra fivehead isn't exposed. But Joseph Morgan just--it's like Damon with the crimping iron, you guys. WHY. Also, for real, those outfits? Stolen from the Merlin set.
4) Hi Trev--excuse me, Trefor. Oh, wait, no, bye, Trevor.
5) I kind of like that the one time Elijah cared about a human, it ended totally fucking horribly. Pain teaches lessons! Just...not always good ones.
(And yes, duh, now I want Elijah to--not stick around? But if he popped in from time to time to look great in a suit and irritate people, I would. Possibly. Be less surly about that I HATE THIS SHOW SO MUCH.)
6) Vampires really cannot being in a place uninvited, can they? Wow. Elijah was having a fit in the boardinghouse before Elena invited him back in.
7) "It's really messy. Can you just use a blood bag today?"
"Nnnnnnnno."
Creepiest thing Damon's done in a long time. And that is saying something.
8) Carol's off vervain! Might want to take advantage of that while you can, guys.
9) I have no real read on Joseph Morgan yet, other than he looks a lot better without the awful wig. Any level of fear at this point, though, is down to Matt Davis acting coked up and fucking terrifying. Still awesome, Matt Davis!
10) As I said to someone in comments last week: if this show does not set it up so Alaric ends up possessed by Damon at some point, they have fucking wasted gold. No, wait, bodyswitching! EVEN BETTER.
11) I will say that the bones in Morgan's face make him look almost feral-looking, if the lighting is right, which is creepy as hell.
12) "Make sure Damon doesn't do anything stupid." AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA it's like she hasn't seen the last two seasons of this show.
13) I just--dude, I don't care how many times everyone yells at each other, the whole Salvatore/Elena plan? IS RIDICULOUS. "I won't let Elena die!" "We have to let Elena make her own choices!" "I don't want anyone else to die for me!" FOR FUCK'S SAKE YOUR SECRET VAMPIRE CABAL HAS LIKE SEVEN OR EIGHT PEOPLE IN IT. You mean to tell me you can't get all of you at the house - and wired in with the WiFi caves - and figure shit out? Your team includes the key to the whole stupid sacrifice ritual, three vampires--one of whom briefly fought in the Civil War - a witch armed with the power of a hundred witches, and the goddamn Batman disguised as a high school history teacher, plus maybe a werewolf and Jenna and Jeremy, both of whom can be armed with weapons. And you cannot get your shit together long enough to figure out a reasonable plan? You know who loses people along the way? PEOPLE WHO DO NOT HAVE A SET PLAN AAAAAAAAAAAGH JFC PHONE TREE.
14) Damon is not allowed into Alaric's apartment. This means Alaric Saltzman is the smartest man in Mystic Falls.
15) Klaus vs. Stefan in front of Jenna is legitimately fucking creepy and awful, and that's all down to Matt Davis being Klaus and Paul Wesley letting Stefan's anger management problem out. There is not a lot of shit creepier than someone you know - someone you love - chopping food and casually talking about vampires and murder.
16) I sort of think it's weird that every time there's a vampire at the Gilbert house, they insist on cooking.
17) Damon taunting Katherine = kind of awesome. Damon giving Katherine vervain = useful. Katherine owing Damon = will not end horribly for one or both AT ALL.
18) Jenna Sommers? Is motherfucking awesome. Yeah, she's in shock, and if she ends up wanting her mind wiped that's certainly her right. But she gets understandably pissed at Elena for not telling her the truth when literally everyone she knows is in on it, and she should be. (And Elena's mom told Jenna stories about vampires as a kid, and since the Sommers' were from Mystic Falls, it makes me wonder what the shit they tell kids in that town. Like, in general.) I really hope she remembers, you guys.
19) I also really hope she and Alaric don't stay broken up, because for real, I AM ON BOARD WITH TEAM JENNA SALTZMAN.
20) I really like that witches are sort of humanity's immune system. They make sure every species has a weakness to keep the balance! ...and the 1600s-1800s got rid of a whole chunk of them! Yeah, that won't bite us in the ass at all, will it? OH WAIT.
21) So: Klaus is Elijah's half-brother; they have the same mother. She cheated on their father with another man, and their father murdered Klaus's birth father's bloodline. Except his birth father was, in fact, a werewolf, and the witches bound the wolf part of him, and Klaus wants THAT curse broken, so he can start his own bloodline of vampwolves and eventually take over the world/destroy vampires and werewolves/bring about the apocalypse/etc.
WHICH MEANS:
a) Klaus wants to be Scott Speedman from Underworld; and
b) to use the World of Darkness terminology: YOU GUYS KLAUS IS A MOTHERFUCKING ABOMINATION.
This show is basically now just me LARPing in college. OH MY GOD SHOW I THOUGHT I COULD NOT LOVE YOU MORE AND THEN YOU DID THIS. MY HEARTHANDS CAN BE SEEN FROM SPACE.
22) --I mean, realistically, it's totally stupid, but I started watching this show because it's based on a series of YA novels I imprinted on at the age of eleven like a baby duck, so I think we can see I am motherfucking biased as all hell.
23) I do like that the Aztec curse was just BS, though. Never liked that thing.
24) Witches can kill anything. You heard that right: Bonnie Bennett is the baddest bitch on this show, CANONICALLY. Suck it, haters.
25) "Love is a vampire's greatest weakness." Ehhhhh. I mean, yeah, it makes you weak, but it gives you passion, too, you know? Who's gonna fight harder, the guy who wants to rule the world like a game of Risk or the guy who wants to save the love of his life? Passion makes impossible shit happen, guys, and only losers discount it entirely.
26) I love that Klaus gets wheeled in in a steamer trunk, like it's Salem's Lot or something.
27) OH HI SALVATORE FIGHT HERE WE GO.
I don't--in this part, I am totally on Team Stefan: Damon's been victimizing Andie since he met her, basically (like Caroline, let's not forget that; she won't), and acts like he should get an award because he hasn't murdered her yet. And that's not even remotely cool, and his argument that "it keeps me from doing anything to Elena" is dumb and fucking awful--and not entirely realistic, because it's Elena--but it's. I'm not surprised, exactly? And I feel like people are? Which is ridiculous, because in terms of being people again, Damon is making baby steps towards maybe trying to be people, and I think a lot of people tend to want to give him a pass for shit.
That said, Stefan's "I have the one thing you'll never have: [...] her respect" is just needling his brother for the sake of being a dick. Dude, we all know! You do not have to whip it out and wave it at him. My GOD, the therapy you two need.
28) "You have to leave."
"You didn't compel me. You should know someone cares about you."
WOMAN ARE YOU SERIOUS. I--look, God knows I like Damon; he's in a three-way tie for my favorite. (No points on guessing the other two.) So I say this with respect and full meaning: when Damon Salvatore tells you you should leave, you should leave. He is not a nice person. He could be, eventually, but we're a million miles from that, still. So while I'm horrified that Damon totally tried to eat her--shades of Jessica, after the Rose thing--he flat-out tells her "Get out of here, now. Before I kill you."
And then--unlike Jessica, and this is important--he doesn't stop her. He doesn't eat her. He sits there, horrified with himself, gasping and trying not to cry. He's probably thinking of ways to fuck all this up, because he self-sabotages like he majored in it at college. But.
But.
29) (For the record, this is why I think the sanest people re: Damon are Bonnie and Alaric. Bonnie doesn't trust him, but I think she gets him more, now. Kind of. And Alaric--if you asked him about Damon, he'd say "vampire" first and then "friend". Stefan will never entirely trust him; Elena trusts him more than he's earned, a lot of the time; for Katherine, he was an afterthought. Alaric and Bonnie never forget that he's a shark that might, one day, turn back into a real boy.)
30) Hey! I have an idea! How about SOMEONE GO MAKE SURE ALARIC'S OKAY JESUS CHRIST.
31) "Now that's more like it." ...so that's probably a no-go on the lightning throwing and dirty raincoats, then. Goddammit.
Next week: Damon totally disregards Elena's advice and does something stupid; Alaric...looks okay enough to be drinking with him (SCORE); and Elena and Stefan have what might be their last date ever in "The Last Day".
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