So now we come to The Best Terrible Movie I Saw In 2010 (Which, Considering My Tastes, Is Impressive): The Thirst, starring Matt Keeslar, Claire Kramer, Jeremy Sisto, Serena Scott Thomas, Adam Baldwin and Erik Palladino, all of whom are in this movie for NO REASON I WILL EVER UNDERSTAND.

This is a movie where, in the first ten minutes, we learn that the hero is a recovering heroin addict, as is his girlfriend; said girlfriend is also a stripper, who collapses onstage during a show because she has cancer. Upon learning this, Our Hero (called Maxx for the rest of this because that's his name, and the writer - I don't know, has a giant Sam Keith boner or something) promptly breaks up with her. IN THE HOSPITAL. Because she didn't trust him to be able to handle it, since they're both coming down from heroin. YEAH. Also, the entire time, she is still wearing her Clara Bow-esque bright purple stage wig.


Literally, I can only assume everyone was paying off student loans or something. There is no other reason actors of that caliber should be in something this bad.


While in the hospital, Girlfriend is approached by a mysterious woman (Serena Scott Thomas - no, I know) and "dies". Maxx goes into a shame spiral for, like, a month, 'til Erik Palladino (who is in two scenes and is the luckiest bastard in the film because that's it drags him to a club where he thinks he sees her. But is he going crazy, or--

--okay, no, I can't even try to keep that going. She's totally a vampire.

Even better, she's hooked up with a group of other vampires in her new "family", and because she won't stop whining about missing Maxx - and literally, if you can figure out why, I will give you a dollar - they decide to make him one too. And then shit goes BANANAS.

Among some of the crazier shit:

* Only women can make vampires. This is an explicit plot point, as Maxx tries to do it to Palladino's girlfriend - with predictably horrifying results. It is actually mentioned as being a parallel of how only females can give birth to children, so naturally it works that way for vampires too LOOK I DIDN'T WRITE THIS OKAY.

* Adam Baldwin's character is fucking amazing. He dresses like Indiana Jones' lame vampire cousin, and says he was born in Gaza "but all the years of bein' out of the sun have lightened [him] up." I honestly don't know if the writer gets that that's not how that works.

* There are also a pair of Asian girl vampires that - um. Let's just be polite and say this movie is racially insensitive, and you should know that before you go in, and move on.

* There is a scene where Maxx and his girlfriend try to come down off blood that plays out like two people trying to kick heroin. It is the funniest goddamn scene in the movie, and that is saying something. It is clearly not intentionally funny. Seriously. They try to eat a blood-soaked mattress, they try to eat their cat, they writhe on the floor in the throes of blood D.T.'s. I literally cannot watch it without breaking out laughing.

Did I mention this movie is not a comedy? Not intentionally, I mean.

* Like, forty minutes in, Jeremy Sisto - who is amazing in this, and I don't even mean that sarcastically - shows up as the head vampire, named Darius, wearing a fur coat. I remember thinking, "Oh, man, Russian pimp! AWESOME." And then he started speaking with a Russian accent, and I had to stop the movie for five minutes because HOLY SHIT I AM PSYCHIC ABOUT TERRIBLE MOVIES.

* I - okay, if you ever saw The Tournament, you...should get a medal, but no. You remember that part where all the assassins are using a strip club as base or whatever, and Ian Somerhalder comes in and kills like fifteen of them plus about thirty strippers? That happens in this movie, basically. TWICE. There is now a severe stripper shortage in...whatever the hell city this movie is set in.

* The grand plan to defeat the vampires involves feeding them a little girl dying of hemophilia. THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENS.

* The ending is honest-to-God ripped off from 30 Days of Night, only nowhere near that good.

* Did I mention Jeremy Sisto and Serena Scott Thomas are honestly good in this? Like, as good as the movie allows them to be. Thomas is swanning around in underwear and a coverup, snarling her lines and acting like she's a million years old and tired of everyone's bullshit, but has no other options, so she does this - which is great, and nuts, and she's totally all over Claire Kramer. Sisto, meanwhile, jumps accents every four minutes because he's clearly batshit insane (for the record: Russian pimp, British guy, Southern gentleman) and acts like the guy you really want to be friends with 'til he rips out your trachea. It's like they wandered over from a much better movie. I wish I'd seen that movie, a Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf but with vampires. I bet it'd be interesting.

* For all that this movie is fucking terrible, it is also really, really quotable. I have wandered around muttering "sometimes they try to get away, so that's why I have the nail gun" more than I care to admit.

"Tomorrow morning, that camp will be filled with smiling, happy, Christian children. And tomorrow night, I will be filled with smiling, happy, Christian children."

...maybe don't say that one at work. Cops might get called.

Whoever wrote the box copy quoted a review that says it's "Near Dark meets Requiem For A Dream". And in the sense that all three movies are in English and feature actors, that is true. Other than that, oh my God, NOT EVEN A LITTLE BIT.

It is, however, easily the best $4 I spent last year, hands down. Get kind of drunk or do a lot of weed and watch this one with a group of equally-messed-up friends. YOU WILL THANK ME.
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