1) So hey! Let’s start by talking about how the Gilberts this week were TOTAL FUCKING MORONS. (Except for Jenna, whose contribution was to get Alaric naked and fuck him. She is now the smartest member of the family. This was not the week the Gilberts covered themselves in glory, you guys.

2) Jeremy has a remarkably unattractive habit of trying to do stuff for ladies, presumably to “save” them. He told Vicki they were going to date, whether she liked it or not! He – okay, he didn’t do it with Anna, at least not without me checking the DVDs, but you can bet he wanted to. (And she could have ripped out his trachea, which I bet is a pretty effective deterrent.)

So now he goes behind Bonnie’s back to “protect her” and kill Katherine, except Jeremy has the killer instinct of a hamster, and instead Katherine eats him like four times. Then Stefan shoves him and the moonstone out, gets trapped in there with his crazy ex-girlfriend/sire, and Jeremy has the nerve to be all shirty with Bonnie and be pissed when she doesn’t break girl code and make out with him.

ARE YOU MOTHERFUCKING KIDDING ME, LITTLEST GILBERT.

Seriously! You know who you let fight vampires? OTHER VAMPIRES, IF AT ALL POSSIBLE. Especially when one of them is Damon, who is pretty good at murder! Remember Damon? Who murdered and tortured Mason before you pussed out? Jesus God, kid, either sack up or stay home, but either way stop acting like you need to go around saving ladies from themselves. It’s Bonnie! She gives Damon aneuryisms like every other hour! I THINK SHE’LL BE OKAY.

3) (And before you ask, yeah, Damon tried to do the same thing to Elena, and Elena called him out on it, but Elena had a fucking dumbass plan. But I’ll get to that in a second.)

4) So Elena’s grand plan is to hand herself over to Klaus so he can kill her, thus sparing her loved ones. Yeah, except for the fact that he would also A) need to kill other people – including, presumably, Tyler, Caroline and Bonnie – and B) is doing all this to daywalk. He is an immortal vampire that wants to walk during the day. DO YOU NOT SEE HOW THAT IS A FUCKING AWFUL IDEA?

Yeah, everyone in Mystic Falls is okay. Until the IMMORTAL, UNKILLABLE VAMPIRES show up during the day AND START EATING EVERYONE. AND POSSIBLY MAKING SHOCK TROOPS. MOTHERFUCKER.

“You’re not allowed to make decisions anymore.”
”Since when do I make decisions? You and Stefan make them for me.”

You know what helps with that? Not making shitty plans that get you dead and end the world as we know it. JUST A THOUGHT.

5) Hilariously, I totally approve of Elena blackmailing Rose to get to Slater’s in the first place, not to mention lying to Alice. There’s more than a little Petrova in her.

6) Also, I totally get the Rose thing, because A) she kind of smiled when Elena said no way was Rose gonna turn Alice, and B) her ass ran when shit got heavy. I never wanted to hate you, Rose! I just wanted you to feel kind of bad about setting up Elena to be traded like a horse. (And also smacking her, because for real, you need to apologize for that shit.)

7) ALSO also, Elijah and Luka’s dad (and presumably Luka, from the whole “you told me to bond with her, so I bonded” bit) don’t want Klaus to have Elena. They may, in fact, be trying to protect her. It makes sense if you go back and watch “Rose” again. I hate this show so much, you guys! It rewards you for taking notes!

8) You guys! Bonnie was SO HAPPY when she and Luka were making wind! That’s possibly one of my favorite things about Bonnie, if you ignore all my other favorite things: she’s never seen being a witch as some sort of horrible, tragic thing. It’s always been amazing.

9) For real, though, if Luka and his dad turn out to be evil, we need to kill them, like, immediately.

10) Awesome: Bonnie snaking Luka’s power. On any other show, he would be stealing her power. Not Vampire Diaries! Here, dudes work for ladies.

11) There’s something hysterical, to me, about Elena trying to punch Damon. How did you think that was ever gonna work? Even in the heat of the moment, that’s just a shitty plan. Mean, yeah, but also IT’S DAMON. You could hit him with a Buick and he’d just get more pissed off.

12) Bonnie! Not breaking girl code! Not making out with her best friend’s little brother! Not punching Jeremy when he busted out “you feel something for me too, I know it.” Kid, the last time someone on this show said that, you got a broken neck.

13) Stefan, the idiot, is now stuck in the tomb with Katherine. Judging by the promo for next week, I give it ‘til Act 3 before they’re fucking. Oh, Stefan! I wish I could say I was totally surprised.

14) -–look, I think we all need to come to some kind of agreement that we should tell Matt. And Jenna. If only because maybe one of them will come up with the idea of using a motherfucking phone tree.

15) Tyler and Caroline watching Mason’s video – hell, the actual video itself – was horrifying. Remember how it always looks awesome in Twilight? Guess what? IT’S REALLY NOT. Dude, he drank diluted wolfsbane to make sure he was less of a threat, and it still took like seven fucking hours. That is not cool! Did I mention that’s also next week?

(Also, Caroline telling Tyler “I killed somebody, I don’t want that for you”? <333 CAROLINE FORBES, Y’ALL. She doesn’t want him to be alone! She looked sad when he said they weren’t friends! I love Matt, but if Caroline and Tyler end up together, I will clap like a seal.)

(ALSO also squared, it’s a really nice note that book!Tyler is all about becoming a werewolf – thanks, Klaus! Sorry, Sue Carson! – but TV!Tyler is like, “Fuck that, it looks awful. Have I mentioned how much more I love this Tyler?)

16) Stefan would not have trusted Damon with Elena even a week ago. I don’t know that it’s the best idea, but half of these people spent the night being idiots, so.

17) Every time someone looks baffled as to who the Salvatores are, I giggle a little. You guys! You’re not impressive to immortals! Sorry!

18) Look, it’s not like I’m a Damon/Elena person, but for real, I just want him to be happy. And if Stefan fucks Katherine next week, I’m gonna need to rethink some shit.

19) For pimping purposes, December 13 – 17 the CW is reairing the first 10 episodes of this season, 8 – 10 PM EST. You know. In case you want to tell your flists.

Next week: Stefan probably fucks Katherine, Damon’s making eyes at Elena, and Tyler becomes a werewolf! MID-SEASON FINALE! BRING IT!
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