Remember when I said I wanted this week to be lighter so I could relax? AHAHAHAHAAHAHAHA, OH SHOW.

1 OKAY. SO.

After the Aztec shamans laid down the curse on vampires and werewolves some 600 years ago, the First Family (FF) started trying to break it. Using a witch, they bound it into one bloodline – the Petrovas, most recently of Bulgaria – and created a doppelganger: someone who would be born for the express purpose of being sacrificed to break the curse. This turned out to be Katherine, who was exactly as thrilled to hear about any of this as you would think. (Katherine had a baby who wasn’t listed in the family history, which pays off later, and eventually leads to Isobel, who leads to Elena. “Katherine’s descendant” is suddenly much less stupid than it was a year ago.)

After having her baby, Katerina was banished (in 1492) to England, where she met a nobleman named Klaus, who swept her off her feet. Unfortunately, it was to use her as a blood sacrifice, at which point Katerina did what anyone would do and fucking bolted. She met Trevor and told him she loved him; Trevor took her to his best friend, Rose, who was as thrilled to see Katerina as anyone has ever been, ever. (Not very.) Rose waited ‘til nightfall to take Katerina back to Klaus, but by then, Katerina had given herself a mortal wound; Rose, not being stupid, gives Katerina enough blood to heal the wound, then suddenly turns stupid and leaves her alone for 45 seconds to yell at Trevor, then comes back to find Katerina having hung herself. Upon waking and starting the transition, Katerina eats the human lady who owns the house Trevor and Rose are staying in, then bolts, now fully a vampire.

THIS IS ALL ONE PLOTLINE, BTW. THAT HAPPENED 500 YEARS AGO.

2) SO THEN Katherine tells Elena – who is either very stupid or the smartest person on the show, and has gone to her for backstory – that Klaus needs her to break the curse. Actually, he needs Elena, the moonstone, Bonnie (or a witch to do the actual spell), Tyler (or a werewolf), and Caroline (or a vampire). Katherine was just gonna turn them over to Klaus and beg forgiveness.

Klaus needs to sacrifice a human Petrova doppelganger, however. Hi, season finale! How are you? I’ll make you a sandwich; it’s a while ‘til May.

3) Klaus practices the same kind of slash-and-burn I miss from the books. He killed Katherine’s parents because she irritated him, y’all. Mystic Falls! What up? You guys are fucked.

4) “Don’t get on my bad side.” I feel like Damon should put that on business cards, along with his name, and just hand them out to people so they know.

5) Bonnie has met a hot boy named Luka! Who is not Jeremy! And is, in fact, a warlock! Awesome! ...aaaaaaaand Luka’s dad is working with Elijah. Substantially less awesome. DEAR SHOW, WHY CAN BONNIE NOT HAVE A HOT BOY WHO IS NOT ELENA’S BABY BROTHER, BECAUSE FOR REAL. (Also, if Luka turns out not to be evil, could he not die? That would be great.)

6) -–yeah, seriously, you will never sell me on Jeremy/Bonnie. Stop trying to make it happen.

7) ALSO: Whichever side – vampire or werewolf – breaks the curse, the other side stays bound. I am fully on Damon’s side, re: “uh, fuck all you guys, I have a day ring.”

8) Seriously, how hard is it to make a day ring? You need a witch and some lapis. THAT’S IT. It is literally harder to make shit on Etsy. Yet every vampire we see now freaks out about how the Salvatores have an unfair advantage. (Which is hilarious, because they’re like, “...Bonnie made Caroline one. Are you people stupid? WITCH AND SOME LAPIS. THAT’S LITERALLY IT.”)

9) Katherine looks fucking haggard for someone who’s been locked up, like, 24 hours. This show! That town exists in a magical bubble, I swear to God.

10) Slater! You were irritating, but kind of awesome. You were in college from 1974 on! That is great! And maybe douchey, because you were going to live forever, and maybe should have gotten some kind of career beyond “student”. That doesn’t mean you deserved to die, though, so I’m sorry.

11) Elijah’s quarterbomb = AWESOME. No one ever thinks of that shit! Damon, go tell Stefan. He made a flamethrower once to shut up a mouthy baby vamp. He would appreciate the hell out of that one. (Also, from a production standpoint, it looked amazing. High five, guys.)

12) Also, while we’re talking about imagery: Katherine HUNG HERSELF. Dear everyone: you are not as hardcore as this lady. Stop trying.

13) Caroline scarfing food is one of the many, many awesome things about brand new baby vampire Caroline. “If I don’t eat anything, I start getting those ‘kill people’ urges. You don’t mind, do you?” As she eats ALL THE FOOD ON THE MENU. <333

14) AND THEN STEFAN SAID CAROLINE REMINDED HIM OF LEXI. Oh my God, show, don’t you ever kill her. It’s bad enough you killed Lexi, just – leave Caroline alone, okay? I want her and Stefan to celebrate when she hits 100. I want her to be strong enough in herself to choke out Damon! I think Lexi would appreciate that. (Actually, I think Lexi would love the shit out of Caroline, but that’s never gonna happen. GODDAMMIT.)

15) Also, it is adorbs that Stefan realizes Caroline is, in fact, the shittiest liar he’s ever met. (“I’m a terrible liar! I’m even worse at duplicity!” <333 CAROLINE.) Of course he finds Elena! And of course he’s kind of wrong about Katherine, because he and Damon are both coming at this from a too-emotional place, so naturally the only one Katherine would tell the truth is Elena. Boys. They’re so fickle.

16) “She’s with Damon, isn’t she?” “Eww! No!” Ahahahaahahahah I LOVE THEM SO MUCH.

17) Alaric has kind of bowed out of things lately, mostly because he has a girlfriend and is presumably getting laid. This makes Alaric Saltzman the smartest person on the show.

18) Klaus can be reached through Craigslist. Somehow, this does not even remotely surprise me.

19) The second Rose told Damon he should stop caring, that’s the second I absolutely gave up on her. It’s not that she’s not wrong; tactically, being in love with Elena makes Damon a thousand times more prone to doing stupid shit. But Damon has vaulted forward, as a person, compared to who he was, so the second anyone tells him he should stop making progress? That’s when I – ironically - stop caring about that person. Full stop. (Also, for real, if someone had suggested her not caring about Trevor, Rose would have murdered them. So.)

“I wish we could save Elena.” Seriously, lady, get out of my show. WE DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR PESSIMISM AT THIS HERE RODEO. I CANNOT EVEN GET THESE PEOPLE TO USE THE FUCKING PHONE TREE. Sorry, Rose. I’m gonna feel bad when you inevitably get killed, but in a very vague way.

20) When Rose turned on Damon in the parking garage and got him in an armhold, I was like, “Yeah, they’re gonna fuck.” Because Damon Salvatore has massive, massive issues re: powerful ladies. They are just not complicated massive issues.

21) According to Rose, baby vampires can turn their emotions off; past a certain age, you’re just faking it. I would be interested to know what that age is.

22) Dear internet: when Elena says “it’s because of me” that all this is happening? She’s sort of right, in that Klaus would have come after her eventually; she’s the Petrova doppelganger. It has nothing to do with other vampires, or being the stick in this generation’s round of Dueling Salvatores, or anything else. She’s allowed to feel it, as long as she keeps trying to make progress and stop Klaus and the FF.

(Oh my god, I am this worried about ELENA. Who I love, but who is not part of the Bonnie/Damon/Caroline trifecta of awesome. WHAT DOES THIS SHOW DO TO US AS A GROUP, YOU GUYS.)

23) Elijah can compel other vampires! We are TOTALLY SCREWED.
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