1) KLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUS.

--okay, so apparently the book’s Old Ones (re: first vampires; every vampire in the world was made, except these, the first vampires) have been translated as the Originals, aka the First Family – presumably the same thing, but run like the Volturi instead of OWOD’s Antediluvians. (It’s implied in the books that the Old Ones either don’t give a shit about us, or are sleeping in the earth, or whatever. Which is good, because you literally cannot kill them. You can wound them, but not kill them. Which leads into the surprisingly awesome deus ex machina ending aaaaaaaaaand now I’m getting away from the topic track.) ANYWAY.

At some point in the past, Katherine – Katerina Petrova, rather – did something to piss the First Family off. This something has to do with the moonstone she gave George Lockwood, and how they’re trying to break the curse laid down by the Aztec shaman, and how that apparently involves the sacrifice of a Petrova doppelganger, a.k.a. either Katherine or Elena. Elijah, from tonight’s ep, is one of those Originals, judging by how he’s totally not dead after getting staked through the heart.

The Originals have a leader. His name?

Klaus.

YOU GUYS, MOTHERFUCKING KLAUS IS GONNA BE ON MY TV AT SOME POINT. THIS IS LITERALLY THE HAPPIEST THIS SHOW HAS EVER MADE ME. THIS IS LIKE DAMON KILLING MR. TANNER, ONLY CUBED.

2) Seriously, you guys, book Klaus is amazing. He manages to kill, like, fifteen people for no discernible reason other than he’s pissed that Damon and Stefan killed Katherine (who he turned, and had a remarkably creepy obsession with), helped made Tyler a werewolf, pops into people’s dreams to crush their spirits, and throws lightning bolts. Yeah. Lightning bolts. Did I mention he’s only stopped by ghosts carrying him off to the underworld? And he wears a dirty raincoat and speaks primarily in 1700s-esque English rhyming couplets? HE IS AMAZING. He makes Katherine seem sensible.

3) Caroline and Damon have a really weird relationship. He seems to be more okay with her as a person now that she’s a vampire, but he gets surly when she’s bitchy to her mom and has no problem choking her out.

...it’s probably really wrong that I want them to have an ep to themselves, isn’t it.

4) I’m irritated that everyone seems to think it’s okay to toss Caroline around like a rag doll, but it’s mitigated by the fact that now Caroline is all “FUCK THAT NOISE” and breaks people’s arms when they start that. I think more girls would do that, if they could.

5) So, hey! Who wants to join me in making Tyler/Caroline shirts? I’M SORRY, ALL RIGHT.

But she tries to lie to him – and wow, she is not any better at that, really – and is terrible, and vamps out when he tries to intimidate her, and then they’re both freaked out and she’s just so happy to have someone to tell all this stuff to, and Tyler’s little face when he says “I don’t have anyone to tell” and then they’re hugging! They were both emotional at first! And don’t know their own strength! He’s freaked out about wolfing out! JUST KISS, YOU TWO.

(You know who Matt would be great with? Meredith. Julie! Kevin! How about we get a Meredith sometime?)

6) The Wall of Missing in the high school is, very quietly, one of the creepiest things they’ve ever had on this show, especially when you realize that most of them have probably only been since the show started. Which is maybe a month. Six weeks, tops. YEAH.

7) I love that Alaric’s reaction to Jeremy asking if he and Bonnie can do blood magic in his classroom is, “Yeah, but you’ve only got ten minutes ‘til Dual Enrollment History starts, and they have a quiz today.” Can we give him a plot soon? Please?

8) I am reserving final judgment on Rose, because A) she’s clearly sticking around and B) we’re obviously supposed to like her, but my rule of thumb is: when you start off the show smacking around Elena Gilbert and blithely talking about how she’s gonna be a human sacrifice to end a curse, I am not gonna like you right off the bat.

Extra points for Lexi trying to set her up with Stefan a century ago – stop mentioning her, show! Unless we’re gonna see her again, PLEASE GOD – and she and Damon apparently have a thing in a week or two, but. Yeah. Not particularly impressed, so far. Also, as soon as Elijah said “You will be spared, Rose”, she should have seen the giant “you will notice how I didn’t mention Trevor, there” hidden in his tone.

9) Nice continuity I didn’t catch ‘til just now: Elijah walking during the day, if he’s an Old One/Original, isn’t a mistake; Old Ones can walk around during the day without hilariously improbable lapis jewelry. Also, Bonnie’s message spell was missing drops of Elena’s blood and worked more as a telepathic message, but otherwise? Right out of the book. Good one, guys.

(I don’t mention it a lot, but I really do like the way they weave in book canon without tying themselves too it too closely. It’s its own separate creature, its own story, which makes me appreciate them both more.)

10) I was just impressed Alaric’s vervain grenade worked, after all the really great attempts he’s made with spring-loaded things that get him A) pitied by Stefan or B) murdered by Damon. Baby steps, Saltzman!

11) The entire Salvatores vs. Elijah fight was great. Stefan distracts, Damon goes in for the kill. Stefan is also surprisingly good at taunts, but my GOD Damon’s face when he gets Elijah. Seriously! Do not fuck with him, you guys!

12) So then Elena’s running down the staircase to Damon when Stefan hoves in front of her and hugs her, and Elena mouths “thank you” and Damon mouths “you’re welcome”. Stefan! Let your soulmate hug your older brother, who is painfully in love with her! He just pinned a guy with a coatrack, I think it’s allowed. (Seriously, Littlest Salvatore, not cool.)

13) Surprisingly cool? Stefan apologizing for making Damon turn in 1864. And yeah, Damon brushes it off, but Stefan actually apologized, and Damon actually heard him. God help me, I’m cautiously optimistic they won’t always hate each other.

14) I would never rifle through my friend’s car the way Damon does to Alaric. I would, however, do it to someone I was dating. I’M JUST SAYING.

15) Yes, I giggled at Damon’s blood bag with a straw. Because I am seven. Also, when Stefan told him he’s been drinking a little of Elena’s blood every day to get used to human blood? Damon did not run them off the road. This is the second most mature thing he’s ever done. (We’re coming up on the first.)

16) Goddammit, show, these stupid Stefan’s Diaries tie-in novels (yes, I have the first one, SHUT UP) better go into Stefan’s wild and crazy days of eating people. Or even just one birthday with Lexi. I would be good with that.

17) Dear show: I don’t care how much you try to sell me on Jeremy/Bonnie, I am absolutely not buying. GIRL CODE, BENNETT, JEEZ. (Although good job on the universe reminding Bonnie there’s a price to be paid for stuff, so stay at intermediate if you can only do intermediate.)

18) Aaaaaaaaand then Damon gives Elena back her vervain necklace, but first admits the truth – “I love you, Elena. And it’s because I love you that you can’t know this.” – then kisses her, really kisses her, and makes her forget.

...um. So tonight was the night I spontaneously shipped Damon/Elena for three seconds SHUT UP OKAY EVERYONE WAS ON THEIR A-GAME.

Think about it, though. Think about the guy who tried whammying Elena into kissing him and got slapped in the face; the guy who stood there, exhausted, and told her he loved her, only it wasn’t her and he kissed the wrong girl. The guy who was so angry he couldn’t see, and killed her little brother to spite her (not knowing he’d live through it), and said he didn’t feel anything.

The guy who told her he loved her, and kissed her, and made it go away because he thinks his brother will be better for her.

Damon Salvatore, you dick, one day you’re going to be an amazing person. And I’m pretty sure you just started heading that way.

***

Next week: Katherine flashbacks! Nina speaks Bulgarian, her native language! Elena asks Katherine questions, which won’t end poorly at ALL.
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