Train = Turistas On a Train, with a teeeeeny bit of Hostel.

1) When did Thora Birch become the go-to girl for B-grade-yet-not-awful horror movies that tend to go direct to DVD? Not that I mind - she's a really good mix of cute but able to handle herself physically - but it's odd.

2) I like Gloria Votsis so much more when she's not annoying the piss out of me on WC, you guys. Claire was awesome! That's why I got so pissed when -- okay, we'll get to that. But she is awesome! And looks really good in a singlet!

3) For those of you who don't want to spend the money to rent this, I understand: basically, a bunch of American college wrestling players (including two girls) go to a crazy underground party in Estonia - dude, I know - and miss their train to Odessa, but it's okay! A random lady they meet in the train station tells them and their chaperone about another train to Odessa that she's coincidentally taking, where you pay as you go. You know, once you're on the train.


Once on the train, everything seems reasonably okay...for about six minutes, 'til a pair of skeevy-looking guys announce that everyone needs to hand over their passports. You know, for safety. To protect them from thieves. AND THEN THEY JUST DO IT.


Basically, while people start wandering off like ducks, we find out that half the train is kind of a holding area for "donors" -- the other half of the train is a medical suite for illegal, highly-expensive organ transplants. Did I mention it's less a donation and more idiots being murdered? (The other people we see on Our Heroes' side of the train are, I believe, loved ones of the people being operated on; when Alex begs them to help her, they silently stand and stare like she's just won The Lottery or something. SHIRLEY JACKSON SHOUTOUT, WHAT.)

4) I have a couple of problems with the movie overall:

* The last scene. So...what, Alex gets back to the States just fine after wandering around the wilds of Russia for a while, with no passport, and a bunch of murdered friends? After she set a train on fire? But oh, she's a changed person! She has a MUCH SHORTER HAIRCUT. I--it's not even that I mind the ending, or handwaving a lot of shit, just--you're missing, like, at least one scene of how she's a stronger person now. The movie as it is just ends. It's fucking irritating.

* I am a detail-oriented person. A lot of people hate the Hostel movies--and we've done that rant before, but basically: death is a business the way sex is a business, which is at least a wee tiny bit more tolerable, and the only person to survive either movie is a lady, and also I love Eli Roth--but I'll say this for them: you can sit down, after watching both movies, and chart out how the goddamn thing works. Because it's a business, and not a half-assed one. This is just--it's a train! You know where it's a bad idea to do major surgery? ON A FUCKING MOVING TRAIN. So you burn the passports. Great. You couldn't steal them and sell them for identity theft? No one's thought about this? Really? Jesus, people, it's called a business plan. Make one.

* I don't care how awful you are to men and women, as long as you're equally awful. My one real qualm - and the movie is gory, I'll give it that - is that they went gratuitous. See, Alex gets away; she's the Final Girl, that's her job. (And she makes a dude get run over by a train after he beats the shit out of her, so she does it fairly well.) The men are all horribly murdered. And Claire?

Claire is given to a group of Russian soldiers as a bribe, screaming as she goes. The guy heading the operation calls the soldiers "animals". The guy running the organ theft is like, "Those guys are fucked up."

You know what? I'm pretty sure being awake and coherent as people carve out your internal organs for sale is bad enough. I'd rather not make rape an a la carte for that menu, thanks.

Eh. *seesaws hand* Maybe rent this one if you think the one line description sounds like your cup of tea; otherwise, skip it. You're not really gonna be missing a lot.
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