All of my opinions are gleaned from two sources: 1) the TWOP recaplet of the show and 2) one of my friends going into great detail about what happened, complete with quotes. I have not actually seen it yet. ANYHOO.

1) Hey, remember when I said I kind of liked Mason? Yeah, that's dead. DEAD LIKE THAT DUDE YOU KILLED SOME TIME AGO TO KICK OFF YOUR WEREWOLF CURSE, ASSFACE.

You know what I don't like in characters I'm starting to give a shit about? BACKSTABBING. Like, say, finding out that Mason is one of Katherine's minions. Seriously. Book!Katherine is great because she literally gives not one little shit about anyone else; she wants revenge on Damon and Stefan (and, ultimately, Elena), and she'd like to slaughter the whole town, but other than that? No minions! No one's buff surfer uncle! No awesome ladies who run the apothecary! No even more awesome witches who, quite frankly, were slumming by hanging out with her! No 26 vampires she locked in a church and sold out like Justin Bieber tickets! NO ONE. She's just a crazy lady with the ability to turn into a kitten, and a dream. A batshit crazy dream.

2) Thesis: Katherine's been looking out for the Lockwoods the way Damon's been looking out for the Bennetts. Ohhhh, that's just creepy. (And impressive, if that was on purpose.)

3) The next two episodes are a two-parter. You have no idea how much this scares me with this show.

4) There's something just...Not A Good Idea-y about putting a park in the HAUNTED GODDAMN WOODS. Yeah, call me back in Season 4 and tell me that's a good idea, you guys. Go ahead! Call me from the future! I can wait.

5) We have seen Amy Bradley twice now. TVD rules clearly state that she's going to die horribly before we hit the midwinter finale around November. So, you know, start the betting pools.

6) Is it wrong that I want Jenna and Matt to exist in some kind of magical bubble where no one ever tells them they're living in what seems to be a town-sized modern version of Collinswood Manor? "What? Oh, that's just a big dog. They imported them to fight off the mountain lions that frequently kill chambermaids and history teachers."

7) No one has apparently told Bonnie or Alaric shit about ANY OF THIS WEEK'S SHENANIGANS. Oh my God, you guys, when Bonnie flat-out refuses to help any of you do ANYTHING, just--don't start yelling at her, okay? If you had magical powers and friends insistent on never telling you anything right up until they wanted you to work a goddamn miracle--while surrounded by monsters that could eat you, one of whom tried and one of whom used to be your friend--wouldn't you get sort of shirty with the situation? Yes. Yes you would. Because that's how the real world works. (Alaric doesn't count, because he and Damon have six kinds of weird relationship. You know, where you can murder each other then go for wings. He would totally help out no matter what.)

8) Jeremy, Tyler, just--whatever, make out already. (Fun fact: if that's part of the stupid midwinter finale, OH NOES GAY WEREWOLF, I will buy someone a steak. I don't even care who.)

Seriously, if that’s not where we’re going with this, I will be startled all to hell. Tyler overcompensates by sleeping with every girl he can find! Jeremy is uncomfortable around ladies! He keeps wanting to make friends with Tyler! Tyler TOLD HIM HE’S A FRIGGING WEREWOLF. We are one Milo Ventimiglia away from this being the B-plot in Cursed, you guys. And *that* was written by Kevin and Julie co-produced it, so FIGURE IT OUT.

9) Upon extensive research and thought, I can only conclude that I have no idea what goddamn month we’re in, in show time. We haven’t had spring break yet, but we’re clearly coming up on autumn again, so—oh my god, what if it’s only been, like, three months? That is insane. (And sort of genius, because you can totally do six seasons and end with HS graduation, if you stretch it out like that.)

10) Stefan: your idea about doping yourself with human blood the same way Katherine made herself immune to vervain is interesting? Except vervain is a poison and blood is something you need to exist. That’s like me making myself immune to carrots by eating a lot of them. No, that’s just good nutrition.

11) Here is my main problem with Damon and, to an extent, with Bonnie: Damon doesn’t apologize for shit. He’s never apologized for trying to kill Bonnie/Emily; he apologized for killing Jeremy to Elena. He’s never apologized for the whole Caroline thing (the “salad bar you can fuck” part, not giving her blood; that was genuinely nice, even if it was for Elena’s benefit more than Caroline’s). He legitimately seems startled when people – like, say, Bonnie – call him on his shit and don’t want to help him.

Now, I’m not saying that Bonnie’s entirely right; Bonnie is starting to veer dangerously close to “prejudiced against vampires”. Elena and Alaric – and even, like, Jeremy – seem to handle it best: constant vigilance. Elena loves Stefan, but she keeps an eye on him. Alaric would cheerfully break Damon’s arms and fangs if he had to. And frankly, everyone is keeping an eye on Caroline, which seems to be the best way to handle baby vampires.

I just – they have the same basic problem at their cores, and it’s infuriating, and it’s gonna bite the group in their asses at some utterly horrible time, because God forbid PEOPLE TALK TO EACH OTHER. IT’S LIKE YOU THINK I’M KIDDING ABOUT THE PHONE TREE.

...none of that has much to do with this ep. I’m just saying.

12) Damon and Liz. DAMON AND LIZ. I just – you guys, SHERIFF FORBES CANNOT HAVE NICE THINGS. Her husband turned out to be gay! Her kid’s a vampire! Her best friend is also a vampire! I just want her to get the vervain out of her system so she can be whammed into not knowing what she knows! I WANT THEM TO GO CHRISTMAS SHOPPING TOGETHER, OH GOD. Not even in a sexy way, because that would be so weird, just – as friends! Men and women can be friends sometimes! It helps if the man is like 140+ years older than the woman!

And now they’re waiting it out in the Really Awkward Oh God Slave Quarters on the Lockwood property, so God willing she’s free of vervain before the next full moon. Damon’s bringing Liz good sheets and cooking for her! Because they are actually friends! Oh God, that’s so amazing and so messed up.

13) Never mind Elena; I think if you told Damon he’d have at least two friends when he came to Mystic Falls, he would have laughed and ripped out your trachea. BUT HE DOES. The sheriff and the history teacher! IT IS SO SAD HOW MUCH I WANT THEM TO GET DRUNK TOGETHER.

(You guys, since 1864 I don’t think he’s had friends. That’s incredibly depressing.)

14) Tyler, you jackass, tell me how Mason having the moonstone is going to improve your temper and make you not kill anyone. Go ahead, I can wait.

15) Caroline Forbes, you are the most awesome thing that has ever awesomed on this sh—wait, no, Emily Bennett. And Bonnie stopping the fire long enough for Damon and Stefan to get out. Okay, top three. You are one of the three most awesome things that have ever awesomed on this show. You should get a Matt. You should get whatever you want, actually, up to and including ponies, free money, an adoring harem (girls or boys or mixed; I don’t know that anyone cares) and a giant bag of Tostitos daily, to fend off the cravings. Oh, and Scotch. I hear booze helps.

How are people not watching this show? It’s like we all need to band together and do Why The Vampire Diaries Does Ladies Best posts or something. BRB, BABY VAMPIRES SAVIN YOUR NAKAMA.

16) Stefan nomming Elena! That won’t end poorly AT ALL.

17) Dear Mason Lockwood: take your dire wolf other-form and die in a fire. No, seriously. Big fire, go die in it. Unless you’re being whammied, I have no time for this shit. We’re coming up on the midwinter finale, and I think that might just put me in a coma.

Next week: Nothing, actually. But the 21st and 28th bring “Plan B” and “Masquerade”, respectively – baby’s first two-parter! – where shit goes down, as it does every week, and Bonnie refuses to help Damon do something. So how about we all cool out on that front and hear her reasons why first.
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