So this is one of those weeks – and if you’ve been watching this show since the beginning, you know this happens sometimes – where a lot happens, but it’s less of a WHAM! episode. Which is fine. Everyone needs breathers.

1) Look: at this point, you need to take Everyone Who Knows – ATM: Damon, Stefan, Elena, Bonnie, Alaric and Jeremy – and make a phone tree. You guys, I’m pretty sure Alaric didn’t know Damon killed Jeremy. I’m starting to wonder if anyone told him Caroline’s a vampire now. You know what’s great, you guys? FULL KNOWLEDGE. Jesus.

2) Who doesn’t love that Damon’s metaphor – Mason’s Lon Chaney, Tyler’s Lon Chaney Jr., he’s Bela Lugosi – involves old 20s and 30s Universal monster movies? He is old, you guys! I bet he’d be bored by the Texas Chainsaw Massacre. (To be fair, I suspect he’d be really bored by Hostel. “Did it. Did WORSE.”)

3) Oh, Mrs. Lockwood. “What freaky underground cellar? NO ONE IN THIS FAMILY IS A WEREWOLF, YOUNG MAN.”

4) Bonnie, honey, I love you, but no one needs you to be racist against vampires. Don’t get me wrong, I get it, but you still maybe need to work on that. (That said, if she wants to keep giving Damon the occasional ration of shit, I could live with that.)

5) A witch can despell the lapis lazuli ring she spells to protect a vampire against the sun. Which sort of explains why Katherine probably set Emily up to be burned alive, anyway. (I’d pay real money for a better timeline on that part.)

6) “You’re gonna have to prove you’re still the Caroline I remember.” Bonnie! We just talked about this! Yeah, she’s still Caroline, but she’s just – more Caroline. She just, you know. Has a worse temper and new dietary restrictions.

7) I love that Elena is evil enough to make out with Stefan directly in front of Damon just to wound him.

8) ALARIC! I missed you so much, Professor Saltzman! So did your boyfriend—sorry, “friend”. (Yes, it is sort of funny that even when discussing snapping Jeremy’s neck, Alaric looks more irritated at Damon than anything else. Remember, the first real conversation they ever had, Damon staked him through the chest. This Is Not His Surprised Face, okay?)

9) Points to Jenna for being like, “Uh, no, Guy With Missing Wife, you need to work out your issues before you start promising me shit and disappointing me. Fuck that noise, I am a grown-ass lady.” Points to Alaric for realizing he’s worked through pretty much all of his Isobel-related issues and KISSING HER FACE OFF.

10) Caroline: I just want to make sure it worked.
Bonnie: [rips open curtains; Caroline jerks back, yelling] It worked.

--okay, come on, that was great.

11) You guys, I like Vanessa! She’s smart enough to have a crossbow around in case vampires are real, yet she refrained from taunting Damon about the whole thing. She did not die; this pleases me. (Frankly, the fact that Damon didn’t kill me is astonishing.)

12) Vanessa: ...can he really hear us?
Damon: [stage-whispers] No! That would be creepy!

AHAHAAHAHHAAHHA.

13) Caroline is not, in fact, a good vampire; good vampires shut off their emotions and become killing machines. Caroline snerks about having to eat bunnies and is horrified she’s going to be an “insecure, neurotic control freak on crack”. Caroline is, in fact, more Caroline than she used to be, which makes Stefan have delighted facial expressions. Caroline is SO GODDAMN AWESOME.

14) I do find it interesting that Caroline whammies people as naturally as she used to breathe. You’d think she’d have more of a problem with that, considering how many times it’s been done to her.

15) Aaaaaaaaaaand then Caroline, horrified about attacking Matt, breaks up with him for his own safety, then sits down and starts sobbing in the Grille. You guys, I love her so much. She did what Stefan couldn’t do! Please don’t die anytime soon, Forbes, I can’t wait to see who you’ll be.

16) Oh my God, hold on, it’s time for Vampire Diaries Makes Shit Up:

...so apparently, 600 years ago, Aztec shamans – plagued by werewolves and vampires, as happened back in the day – cursed them: vampires would only hunt at night, and werewolves would change shape at the full moon. They naturally hate each other, so vampires hunted werewolves near to extinction – which is good for them, since a werewolf’s bite can kill a vampire, and they’re hardwired to destroy them.

Several things:

a) Aztec shamans are the ones who we can thank for vampires being killed by sunlight? Seriously?

b) So...you guys saw Eclipse over the summer, I take it.

17) One of my favorite things about this show is that once we learn a piece of information – the Aztec infodump, for example – and Person A tells Person B about it, we don’t see them do it. They realize we can remember things between acts. They remember we’re not idiots! I love that.

18) Katherine Pierce’s real name is Katharina Petrova. In the books, it was Katherine von Swartzchild. This is possibly because Nina Dobrev is originally from the Ukraine. Also, does this mean Katherine’s gonna speak Russian? AWESOME.

19) If Tyler orders Mason Wolf off in a strong tone of voice – that means Tyler’s alpha, right? Because there’s two vampires right there, and vampires are like murder crack to werewolves.

20) My screen tends to show pretty dark; Mason’s werewolf form is just a big-ass wolf, right? Not Twilight-big, but still. Either way, it’s still better than Cursed, which – don’t get me wrong, I like the movie, but that CGI is just terrible.

21) For the record, Damon did not know Jeremy had the Gilbert ring when he killed him.

22) Here is my main problem with Damon: the only person he’s ever apologized to is Elena. He apologized for snapping Jeremy’s neck – to Elena. He’s never apologized for ripping out Bonnie’s throat. The Alaric thing I almost get, because Alaric then punched him and now they’re beffies, but he still never thinks about apologizing for shit. Damon! You cannot expect to get by strictly on charm and looks WHEN YOU STILL REGULARLY COMMIT MURDER, especially when YOU JUST EXPECT A HANDWAVE FOR IT. I’d appreciate it if you meant it when you apologize, but I’d settle for a fucking apology in the first place.

23) No, I don’t feel particularly bad about Elena using Damon to find out about Katherine. Damon uses people all the time. He’s pushing for Elena to admit they’re still friends, despite murdering her brother like four days ago. Dude, for real? Have you never heard of giving someone space? Better yet, have you tried it?

24) Aaaaaaaaand then Caroline wakes up to find Katherine in her bedroom: “We’re going to have a lot of fun together.” OH MY GOD CAROLINE THAT GIRL IS NOT YOUR BEFFY DESPITE A STARTLING RESEMBLANCE. JUST SAY NO.
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