Previously on TVD: Our main character became absolutely untenable, everyone's still waaaaaay too concerned about Princess Elena Gilbert and her humanity switch, Klaus showed signs of becoming people (albeit only to Caroline), Elijah (!!!) is back and hooking up with Katherine (...), and Matt Donovan is the only human left in Mystic Falls. You know what that means: PROM NIGHT. And they're seniors, so we should adjust the anticipated body count accordingly.

* Seriously, this is - this was old like three weeks ago. If Elena wants to leave town, let her. She'll come back or she won't; she'll live or she'll die, she'll turn her emotions back on or she won't. Stefan and Caroline have been treating her like a child with a brain fever all season, which is offensive; trying to coax her into being a good person is just throwing good money after bad. If she keeps killing people, go tell Bonnie's dad and let him handle it however he wants. We do not have time for this, BONNIE AND THE KING OF THE DAMNED ARE GODDAMNED STARTING THE WINCHESTER APOCALYPSE.

(I'm basically calling Silas' plan the Winchester Apocalypse, or the WA, because bringing out all the souls on the other side - vampires, witches, werewolves, etc. - was basically the plan from S6 Supernatural, aka The Really Fucking Terrible Season, only there people were going to eat them. Which Silas might also be trying to do; it's not like the guy is communicative re: his grand plan, though I'd bet it involves eating Qetsiyah or otherwise getting revenge on her.)

"But we love Elena! She's a good person!" Not right now she's not. Right now she's a fucking monster. I love Elena too, but she decided to do this. Without emotions, there's no sire bond; she can make her own choices, and if she wants to basically self-destruct, that's on her ass. The only sensible thing to do is get out of her way and try to do your best to keep her from killing innocents.

"But you're pissed at her for doing the same shit Damon does every week!" Valid. Except we came into this with Elena as our POV character; I love Elena, and I expect better of her. It is entirely possible - probable - that that's me being unfair, and I can admit that. Hence why I'm now like "you know what? This is on her ass. We have other problems." And not for nothing, but Damon's explicitly said at this point that he's the de facto bad guy because "someone has to be", which...is more Damon wussing out re: trying to make long-lasting change that everyone can see, but that's not a discussion for right now.

I am pissed that the Elena plot has overshadowed Bonnie, again. Bonnie's had a shitty year, okay? Her mom's a vampire, her dad came back to town to basically give her the "have you tried not being a witch?" speech while being mayor (and he only came back to be mayor; Abby's been dead for a while, and vanished from Bonnie's life when she was two; he's had time to come back), her ex-boyfriend got murdered, every witch in existence is pissed at her and taking it out on her dead grandma, her best friends are both walking nightmares (remember, Bonnie HATES vampires), and the only person who's been trying to help her turned out to be using her to raise a sleeping vampire god by turning her into a Dark Phoenix bomb only he knows how to disarm. Oh, and that sleeping vampire god? Has promised to bring back everyone she's ever lost, including like three of her friends' parental figures and her dead ex-boyfriend, not to mention Grams. Literally the only person who's been worried about her for her is Damon, which is horrifying and sad and fantastic all at once. Not that anyone else cares, because we need to have our fourteen-hundredth talk re: Does Elena Love Damon? BIGGER THINGS ARE AFOOT, LET'S MOVE ON.

And I realize that this all makes me sound emotionally overwrought, okay, but I've been listening to the new FOB album for like two solid weeks and rewatching all of Supernatural and I just - I know it doesn't sound like it this season, but I love this fucking show, okay? This is its weakest season, easily, but it's still my baby. It still makes me burst into ugly tears and start laughing for no reason, and if I didn't give a shit I wouldn't want to slap pretty much everyone on it with my ring hand. And I've been kind of low energy the last few eps, and I can't promise that that'll improve, though I am weirdly excited for next week's backdoor Originals pilot.

I don't know. I'm hopeful, I guess, and I'm not going anywhere. If Elena wants to keep running off the rails, that's fine; I'm gonna be over here, giving a shit about everyone else.

ANYWAY. END GIANT FIRST NOTE.

* Also, I have now taken to muttering or yelling Dickensian or Old English insults at Elena when she acts particularly horrible. Try it! Calling her a jackanape is surprisingly cathartic, plus if you do it loudly enough you can't hear her saying awful things to her loved ones.

* I do love that "don't kill anyone at prom" is literally a thing these people have to say to each other, like, as a general reminder.

* I'm not going to lie: seeing Littlest Gilbert made me tear up. Goddammit, show! I thought I was out of feels, but you gave me more! Dicks.

* SALVATORE FOOTBALL YES I AM YELLING THIS PART SHUT UP.

* ...or you could just have an Original whammy Elena to want the cure? You have three of 'em. Well, two; Rebekah's not going to be cooperative.

* All the Mikaelsons, all together! (The three that are left, anyway.) Now that we're without Tiny Douchebag Andrew Garfield and Dour Tall One, I can handle this. This is a good number of Originals.

* Ahahahahahahaha Klaus and Rebekah adhering to Elijah's wishes like he's the oldest. Most mature, definitely. "I want you to live a day as a human." I MISSED YOU SO MUCH, GILLIES.

* SO: Elena's staying with Rebekah, because she burned her house down and, you know, Salvatores.

* And then Elena: wears Caroline's dress, tells Matt he'd have turned his emotions off when Vicki died, tells Damon she never loved him, and calls Bonnie a brainwashed crazy person who couldn't bring her dead brother back. I--you know, I promise I'm not gonna stay on this, because I already rambled about it above, but for real: when, next season or whenever, Elena gets her emotions back and feels fucking goddamn horrible for everything she said and did, both to her friends and to strangers - like, oh, ALL THE PEOPLE SHE'S MURDERED - I hope no one comforts her. Odds are they will, because everyone on this show is either a saint or has the long-term memory of a hamster, but she doesn't deserve it. She made her choice; she has to live with it. If she can't, the sun's right there.

* You know what? Fuck it. If I can't get Klaus/Caroline UGH DON'T JUDGE ME then I want Klaus & Caroline, Vampire Bros Whose Timing Never Worked Out. Just marches into his house, ranting about prom and asking him to get her a dress from his creepy closet of previous victims! And Klaus does! HOW ARE YOU THE BEST, GUYS.

(Seriously: have Accola pop over to TO and Morgan to TVD like once a year each, and have Caroline be fucking horrified and miserable and scared that she's falling in love with the guy who sort of ruined her life. I WOULD WATCH A MILLION YEARS OF THAT.)

* "Why do I feel like we're at the rehearsal for Caroline's wedding?" Okay, but that's like every dance, though. Caroline's legit just working out a different part of the process with every dance. I think graduation is the catering.

* "Is this real?"
"Does it matter?"

WHY AM I TEARING UP AGAIN EVERYONE IS FIRED.

* "Do you think I'd make a good human?"
"I think 'good' is a hard word to live up to, and I've never seen you do anything remotely good. So honestly, no, I don't."

Matt Donovan, everybody! Please don't ever kill him or I am driving to Georgia and setting a standing set on goddamn fire.

* Aaaaaaaand I said I was done with it, and then smirky Elena was all "I'm gonna go kill Bonnie" and FUCK YOU FOREVER, ELENA GILBERT, I AM DONE WITH YOUR EMOTIONLESS ASS. DIE IN THE SUN. Matt Donovan: turn her over to the Council. Do not pass go, do not collect $200. Hell, have Klaus do it; it's not like he'd give a shit.

* "It is such a hollow little life that you lead, Niklaus." How is that such a burn? You are magic, Elijah Mikaelson.

* "You have no idea how dangerous you are." And while I'm getting really tired of dudes saying that to Bonnie in a patronizing tone of voice, the idea that before the end of the year she's going to go all Dark Phoenix and finally wreck some shit like I have wanted to see for four years now is totally going to be worth it.

* "Your prom king and queen are...Matt Donovan and Bonnie Bennett!" Okay, I didn't even remotely call that, but: AWESOME.

* "This prom sucks." And then Damon gives Caroline a slug from his flask and she heads off to the after party at Tyler's house, where TYLER IS WAITING FOR HER AND I TEARED UP. AGAIN. SOME MORE. Can he come back already when everyone 2,000+ moves to New Orleans? Please? I miss you, Lockwood.

(Also? Damon and Caroline silently commiserating about how sucky prom is and drinking together, however briefly, is a nice little touch. Shut up, I like it when circumstances make them hang out.)

* And then Stefan and Damon, in tuxes, temporarily mortally wounded, bitch about the sleeping vampire god. I LOVE THIS SHOW SO MUCH.

* I am not going to lie: Someone needs to make me a .gifset of Bonnie torturing Elena so I can watch it every morning as I drink coffee and listen to soothing whale noises or something. That was like petting a kitten. Poisons her with her blood, then breaks like half the bones in her body and makes her bleed from the mouth.

Should have kicked her, Bennett. Remember tonight, when she has feelings again and she's trying to apologize.

* REBEKAH GIRL WHY ARE YOU LISTENING TO HIM YOUR BROTHER IS THE WORST. Seriously, do not go to New Orleans! Do not go to the state of Louisiana, or the South, or stay in the United States with him! He is bad for you! God knows I don't like you, but it has to stop somewhere!

* "Was it worth it?" And then Klaus gives Tyler a head start before he murders him BECAUSE HE LOVES CAROLINE OH MY GOD YOU GUYS COME ON WE CAN MAKE THIS WORK.

Next week: Travel to steamy New Orleans - oh my God, I just typed that - for the backdoor Originals pilot. Klaus! Elijah! Rebekah! Hayley! Witch Sophie! Klaus' protégé Marcus, who will probably be really pissy that Vampire Dad is back in town! The new Fall Out Boy single in the trailer! I am weirdly nervous for this one, you guys! "The Originals", next Thursday, 8 PM EST.

And now I have to go watch Beauty & the Beast despite it being terrible UGH THE THINGS I AM DOING FOR YOU LUCAS BRYANT.
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