And then, because that is how this works with me, I watched seven episodes of this amazingly dumb show in a day. Still not as bad as the time I watched the entire 13-episode run of Conviction in an afternoon. (Totally worth it, if only to see Eric Balfour speak Spanish and bust out a confession of love during - you guessed it - a GODDAMN HOSTAGE CRISIS. I sense a theme.)

-Speaking of assholes: DAMON TREBUCHET. The man is like a checklist of douchebag behavior: Secretly taping ladies during sex! Choking out his manager after sex! Getting drunk with Coach Gabe's Dad, the recovering alcoholic!

-Somewhere around "meticulously structured checklists for your Saturday morning shop", I realized that Connie is my spirit animal. I don't know what this says about me, except that she is a waaaaaaaay better person than I am, because for real: IN NO WAY would a three-way or a stripper be a dealbreaker, let alone a slapping offense.

-BICEP. V-NECK. I--am going to hell, is what I am doing. Can we talk for a long time about him getting pissed at his father about trying to drive drunk, and how hot that is?

-I fucking LOVE Megan the Hockey Wife. She legitimately likes Connie! She is funny and smart and not above acting like a dick in a really quiet way! She is stupidly in love with her husband, but you get the impression that if he put one toe out of line she would have him murdered, and that she plans on teaching this to Connie. I approve.

-You guys, this show has an entire subplot about trademark infringement at a convenience store. THIS SHOW. ABOUT HOCKEY.

-Okay, SO: Damon accidentally kills his wife and child in a car accident, in which he was driving drunk. He spends the next year in a shame spiral of booze, drugs, and meaningless sex, including a three-way with Gabe and Crazy Mandy. After Crazy Mandy accuses him of rape and is eventually discredited, he hooks up with her in a back alley - and continues hooking up with her, right up until he goes out of town for a game and Crazy Mandy (who is crazy, okay, cannot stress that enough: she is crazy for real) gets into his house and destroys everything that remains of his wife and SETS PART OF HIS HOUSE ON FIRE. THEN, when Damon ends up in the nut house really briefly, she shows up dressed as his dead wife, then breaks him out and drives him out in a rainstorm FOR A MURDER-SUCIDE PACT. ALL OF THIS HAPPENS IN TEN EPISODES. Why is everyone not watching this? I know SoapNet re-aired it a while back, but--y'all, get on this.

-AGH GABE AND CONNIE. IF EITHER OF YOU MESS THIS UP I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU. No, for real: I am invested in this like a sonofabitch, which I did not see coming. But--okay, is this how everyone felt the beginning of this season on Lost Girl when Bo and Lauren finally got together for more than ten seconds? Was it like this? How did you get things *done*? They compare scars! He slaps her ass! I have never before been charmed at a man slapping a woman's ass, let alone in a daycare, but here I am. Here's how I've fallen.

-"What's a tsunami?" "Big Japanese chicken." Completely straight-faced. God love you, Megan.

- I know I'm supposed to have an opinion on Molly or Tabbi re: Trevor, but I just...don't. That kid is like 19, has a My First Bro Apartment starter kit, and just learned about new pussy. No one needs to date him for a good year, maybe 16 months.

-So hey! If you ever wanted to watch a crappy Canadian soap about hockey featuring Nathan from Haven and Dyson from Lost Girl, you need to get a copy of this because THAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED. Kris Holden-Reid as Aleksei the new goalie. He does all of his lines in a terrible Russian accent and eventually gets a gambling problem, because Russia. (I like to think someone showed Ksenia Solo this and she burst out laughing.)

-"...over some commitment issues that really don't befit a man his age." MEGAN I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.

-Who would have called that the Very Special Episode would be about protective headgear?

-And then you get Aleksei skateboarding, because this show's number one job is basically to convince me that I need a whole new set of kinks. This is before he shows up in Rounders fanfic.

-"You have to earn the smock, buddy." WHY IS THAT ADORABLE. Also, if you cut the horn off a unicorn, you basically have a weird pink-winged horse.

-So in the middle of all this you have Donald, the weird loner kid who lives across the hall from Molly and Evelyn, who - spoiler alert - KIDNAPS MOLLY AND KEEPS HER IN A CAGE. WHAT THE ACTUAL SHIT. This is before he gets into the arena with a gun, threatens to kill people unless he gets to play, and kills himself after shooting Gabe. And then we get into his apartment and Molly? STILL MISSING. (They find her in a barn. I honestly did not know Donald had access to farmland.)

-OH MY GOD ENGAGEMENT RINGS I MADE A DOLPHIN NOISE. And not for nothing, but the actual ring is gorgeous. And then he just randomly becomes another guy's wingman for picking out his ring, because Gabe McCall.

-And then Connie can't get engaged because OH HEY I'M INFERTILE, MAYBE and Gabe makes that sad little puppy face (which...is one of the many reasons I legit cannot see Haven ending without a canon three-way GALE NO FOCUS YOU ARE ALMOST DONE) and proposes again and she's all "FINE OKAY YOU WIN BUT IT'S JUST BECAUSE I AM IN LOVE WITH YOU DUMBASS" and Wanda the reporter Gabe hooked up with to save his dad's career - not that that worked - is all BOOM, SURPRISE PREGNANCY. Which is how this turned out on The Game, come to think of it, except Connie's not a med student.

-And then BOOM! Someone sent Aleksei A MOTHERFUCKING EAR, because Russian Mafia and gambling problem. And Trevor...goes home and plays street hockey with kids. Weak ending, Lemonade.

***

I'm not going to lie: I totally got into this because Lucas Bryant is in it, and on that front it more than pays for itself, even with the helmet-y emo hair. There are things about it I love purely for their own merits: I love Evelyn's entire story, and how Megan is strong without being bitchy, and how Connie never loses herself, and basically everything with Gabe and Connie ever, because SERIOUSLY.

But MVP is also like another old favorite of mine, Prison Break (and later, in the same 'verse, Breakout Kings), in one very important regard: it is BATSHIT CRAZY. Like, no joke, full stop. This is a ten-episode soap about a Canadian hockey team that features, in no particular order:

-accusations of rape
-illicit sex tapes
-alcoholism
-drug use
-a how-to guide on how to make a smoothie
-copyright law
-awkward family moments
-a lot of conversations about brisk walks
-internal and external discussion re: the choices we make in our relationships, especially if one of the partners is a pro athlete
-threesomes
-strippers
-arts & crafts
-ghosts
-stalking, both adorable and not
-kidnapping
-a hostage crisis
-infertility
-secret pregnancy
-infidelity
-karaoke
-how we treat the elderly
-selling sex in an ad campaign that has nothing to do with sex
-an attempted murder-suicide
-multiple gunshots
-gambling addiction
-the Russian Mafia
-home repair
-found families

THIS IS A TEN-EPISODE SHOW ABOUT GODDAMNED HOCKEY. I want to travel from town to town, setting up room parties at cons and tricking unsuspecting Haven fans into watching it. And random passersby. And people who are not staying in the hotel. OH MY GOD MVP WHY WERE YOU NOT LIKE THREE MORE SEASONS?
.

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