I...you guys, I really wish I could podcast at all, because I would literally just be liveblogging this shit out loud.

EPISODE 2: TRUTH & CONSEQUENCE

-I was legit three minutes in, when Connie's sisters are harassing her about who left her the bracelet, that I sort of wanted her to clock them. Possibly this is because I am an only child. (Also: the lady's trying to read and not think about the dude she kind of likes and how she got prettied up and he was getting A GODDAMN LAPDANCE! Maybe do not hassle her on this one!)

-I am weirdly fond of Evelyn and Molly, and dearly want to see them pistol-whip Asshole Manager Whose Name I Have Yet to Learn. (Let's call him AM, for brevity's sake.) I should really not be siding with people who have to sell designer clothes to get money, because at least some of that could have been staved off if nobody threw a giant party or bought all the coke in Toronto or wherever, but here I am.

-This is maybe the first time I have heard the phrase "moral turpitude" used in a TV series in - God, years.

-Okay, so back in the pilot, Adam gave Molly a key to some kind of "insurance policy", and every time it shows up it goddamn glows like it's CGI in The Hobbit. I am pretty sure this show is not going to end with demons or something, but if it does? I AM IN. (If it doesn't, it's still hysterical.)

-I don't know if Damon's wife and kid are ghosts or not, but if they are, this will be the SECOND TIME a Canadian hockey show features ghosts (after Power Play). I--is that a thing, in Canada? Ghosts showing up and tormenting hockey players?

-Okay, NOBODY noticed the teddy bears in Damon's bedroom? The ones big enough to hide a mini-video camera? He is the sketchiest dude in the league, and he has GODDAMN TEDDY BEARS IN HIS BEDROOM. Best case scenario, he's hiding a sex camera; worst case scenario, he's a serial killer.

-GABE YOUR COACH DAD IS AN ASSHOLE.

-Okay, so: Connie is a tiny, adorable blonde virgin who can quote Chaucer at the drop of a hat, paint her own apartment and varnish her own furniture, and works at a pre-K while maintaining a healthy attitude towards whether or not dating a professional athelete is going to work out. GABE WHAT ARE YOU DOING. YOU MARRY HER IMMEDIATELY.

No, for real, just--he basically imprinted on her like a baby duck, complete with power walking and faking a head injury to HOLD HER HAND. WHAT THE ACTUAL SHIT. I have started just making squeaking noises when they are on-screen together. It's demeaning to my reputation as a bitch who hates things.

-I have watched, mostly through Oxygen marathons on the weekend, almost all 20 "cycles" of America's Next Top Model. Trevor's photoshoot would not go amiss there. Smize, Trevor! Smize! Pretend you're the Stanley Cup! Work your angles! (I will say his abs are fucking ridiculous.)

-No, for real: the sweetest thing in this entire episode was probably Damon straight-up refusing to tell anyone that he and Gabe had a threeway with Mandy, then Gabe swooping in and TESTIFYING TO IT IN OPEN COURT. Also, I'm gonna need a judges' ruling on exactly what happened in that threeway, because shit doesn't necessarily count if it's you and a bro and AAAGGGH NO GALE YOU ARE NOT WRITING FIC FOR THIS. NO. Seriously, that look in the lawyer's office? SHIT WENT DOWN.

-OH MY GOD GABE/CONNIE VET AU SERIOUSLY GALE STOP IT RIGHT NOW

-I don't actually know what's hotter: Gabe skating or Gabe effortlessly power walking, without missing a beat, up onto a bench before hopping back down. No, wait, I know: LUCAS BRYANT, BACKLIT BY THE SETTING SUN AS IF GOD DID IT HIMSELF. (You guys, Lucas Bryant is fucking beautiful.)

-HERE IS HOW THE COURTHOUSE SHOULD HAVE GONE:

[Gabe: arrives at the pre-K ten minutes early instead of 5.]

Gabe: Okay, so today I have to testify down at the courthouse as a witness to this...thing. It's not anything bad; I didn't sell drugs or kill anyone, and I didn't commit a crime. It *does* paint me in an unflattering light as a guy who's trying to date you, by which I mean "I have already started shopping for rings, because I have imprinted on you like a baby duck". I don't have time to really talk about it now, I have to be there--basically immediately? But if you're amenable, I'd like to see you for dinner tonight. Or coffee. Or whatever. I'll explain everything then, I promise.

Connie: [bewildered] ...okay.

[Connie: does not go to the courthouse.]

THERE. PROBLEM SOLVED. Connie, I love you, but just--quit going to shit! Call first! Alternately, Gabe, maybe TELL HER THINGS UP-FRONT. You can maybe grasp why the virgin is sort of freaked out about you HAVING A THREEWAY WITH DAMON AND A PUCK BUNNY WHO'S ACCUSUING HIM OF SEXUAL ASSAULT. Also, I have seen better slaps.

-That said: Gabe punching Damon is--the lead-in is a little sloppy, but the follow-through is nice. Champion stuff, guys! Up high! (Even better: Damon's "no, yeah, I totally had that coming" head nod.) Coach Gabe's Dad, way to make sure your son is okay. OH WAIT NO YOU ARE A DOUCHE.


EPISODE 3: COVER YOUR MAN

-Tabbi, what--why are you singing? No no no. This is why I don't do karaoke. This, and my pathological fear of looking like an asshole.

-And then Gabe's hair just goes--that--what is that? This is really the episode where every guy on the team starts looking like he sings in an emo band. It's great.

-Okay, I know I should maybe be rooting for Molly, because Tabbi's small-town and Trevor and Molly have chemistry, but--nope, I mostly think Molly is treating her mother like a total bitch. SHE IS NOT MADE OF MONEY, OH MY GOD. And it's not that I necessarily like Tabbi any more than I do Molly, because you literally could not pay me to care about who Trevor Lemonade ends up with, but: dude, pick one before you put a leg over. Don't bang Molly 'til you break up with Tabbi, okay? Don't be an asshole. The team already has a Damon, we don't need two.

-Damon! Your best friend's dad (and your team coach) has a drinking problem! Do not then go out drinking with him! DICK MOVE.

-Not for nothing, but if I had puppets advising me on my career and love life, I would strangle someone. Connie might actually be a saint. If this was a Hardy novel, she would have died of consumption already.

-We are not going to talk about the sheer hotness of Lucas Bryant taping up a hockey stick. I've confessed to too many terrible things already today.
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