So here's where we are after this week:

STEFAN: Trying, and failing, to keep anyone from doing anything even remotely dumb. As is his wont.

ELENA: Refused to believe Jeremy was dead for three-quarters of the episode; when she caved, she really fucking caved, and promptly suggested arson. Following Damon shutting off her emotions and making her Elena 2.0, she made good on her threat.

DAMON: Tromped all over Demonreach looking for Bonnie, then heard her plan on the plane and promptly told Stefan "OKAY PROBLEM WE HAVE DARK PHOENIX HERE NOT A DRILL, STEF." Then he made Elena shut off her emotions, because when Stefan tells him to do something--look, I wasn't surprised and I am not LITERALLY HIS BROTHER, STEFAN. I haven't known the guy my entire life and I knew he was going to do that shit.

REBEKAH: Still tromping all over Demonreach, stumbling across the Real Professor Sketch--OH SHIT Y'ALL, SILAS IS A SHAPESHIFTER.

MEREDITH: Back from her time in that town where Pretty Little Liars is set, Dr. Fell

VAUGHN: Like Connor, currently being a dick while in mortal peril, except instead of being in Klaus's bondage dungeon he's starving to death in a cave on Demonreach. As Charlie Bewley [SPOILER REDACTED] in Breaking Dawn Part 2, I will not miss him overmuch if we don't see him again.

MATT: Convinces Elena, in a roundabout way, to let go of Jeremy; currently weeping in his truck on the Wickery Bridge, because no one ever worries about Matt Goddamn Donovan and EVERYONE SHOULD, OKAY? I hope they let him live in the boardinghouse, at least it has heat. Or mattresses he can burn for heat.

BONNIE: Jeremy being dead has finally driven Bonnie right over the edge into legit being Dark Phoenix; she currently plans to finish the third massacre with "Professor Sketch" and bring back every supernatural creature that's died in the last two thousand years. BECAUSE THAT WILL IN NO WAY END HORRIBLY FOR ANYONE.

PROFESSOR SKETCH: Possibly bleeding to death on Demonreach; definitely not in Mystic Falls.

SILAS: Possibly a shapeshifter, Silas--currently looking like Professor Sketch--is acting as Bonnie's mentor, helping her complete the third massacre and bring back the dead for reasons I am trying not to think about too hard unless I want to get really fucking mad at Bonnie for going along with this shit, dead Grams and ex-boyfriend or no.


* I think we all knew, deep down, that Jeremy was really dead. But I didn't really start crying 'til Elena said she was okay and shooed Stefan away. He's sleeping, that's all. She just needs to wait for him to wake up.

* Silas healed Sketch's leg! And Sketch basically fed Jeremy to Silas! Oh, sure, tell Bonnie! It's not like making your own Dark Phoenix and then murdering her ex-boyfriend as collateral WILL IN ANY WAY END POORLY FOR YOU.

* If you're paying attention, on "there's absolutely no way my brother is dead", Nina Dobrev looks freakishly like Sara Canning in a really, really good way. High fives to the casting people, there.

* I'm still not a Rebekah person, but I like that she's kind of going the Rosalie route with Elena: she doesn't hate Elena, but she doesn't like her, either. Doesn't mean she can't feel bad that Jeremy's dead. She's not a complete monster.

* "What's that smell?"
"It's his body. It's starting to decompose."

That might be the saddest thing I've heard in four years of this show, not to mention one of the five most horrifying.

* Okay, so if Silas can't be a witch because he's a vampire -- uh, 1) we could have been calling him a vampire all this time and not "immortal", because duh, and 2) does that mean all vampires are necromancers? No, right? Because there are an awful lot of dead people pulling for him to succeed despite the fact that they should in no way be doing that. Ten bucks says he wants Bonnie to do it because he can't for some reason, possibly that it'll kill him.

* "Poison your best friend once, and suspicion follows you forever." Not in Mystic Falls, hilariously.

* "I'll do whatever it takes." And on that day, the day you kill 12 people? That's when you become a monster. The monster, the one that sets all the other monsters free. And that's the day you die.

* "I could actually hug you right now." And then he does, and it is as amazing as you think: Bonnie's legitimately glad to see Damon; Damon's legitimately glad to see Bonnie, but he has to be careful of her human ribcage, and he only likes her so much, and he hates admitting he has feelings, so it's really awkward and tentative and kind of like petting a cat the wrong way. I burst out laughing.

* And because this is the way tonight's going, I teared up when I saw Jeremy's graffiti tribute to Vicki. I think Matt has the healthiest way of looking at it: when you live in the most fucked-up town in the world, maybe people can come back from the dead. Maybe their ghosts hang around and tell us we're doing dumb-ass shit. Maybe this isn't it, in the end. And if it isn't, he's not about to tell her what to do one way or the other.

(Also, how fantastic is it that he put it in the stoner pit? SO FANTASTIC.)

* "Caroline. Go get my brother, please." For the record, when Damon gets that polite and that serious? Not good.

* SO: since Qetsiyah created the Other Side as a jail for supernatural beings--and made sure Silas would live forever, since his lover was trapped in a witch-created purgatory--Bonnie, as her descendant, can end it and bring EVERYTHING back: Jeremy, Alaric, Vicki, Jenna--and all the dead witches, vampires, werewolves, and assorted whatevers have died in the last two thousand years. And Bonnie is totally cool with doing that, because she is goddamn batshit crazy right now. And not in that charming way Damon tends towards. She is Dark Phoenix crazy, y'all.

* Watching Elena just fucking lose it hurts. (Also, not for nothing, but I sort of wanted to slap her re: that dig about whether or not Damon would let Bonnie do it if it meant he got Alaric back. Dick move, Gilbert, but you get a grief pass. And not for nothing? But if he did do that, the first thing Ric did when he came back would be to slap the shit out of goddamn everybody, because he is perfect and no one's had a good year, brain-wise.)

* And then Stefan tells Damon to do something, so Damon jumps right to the nuclear option and has Elena SHUT ALL HER GODDAMN EMOTIONS OFF. So hey! Welcome to Katherine 2.0!

...seriously, if the Salvatores ever made a decent life decision between the two of 'em, I would fall the fuck over.

* I got a little suspicious of Sketch when he was all, "Those 12 humans were a necessary sacrifice." New rule: whenever you're on a porch with someone and he or she is acting EVEN REMOTELY NOT LIKE THEMSELVES, that is not that person and they should go.

* And I teared up again--seriously, this was the night for it--when Matt broke down in the car and started crying. It's not just Elena who lost someone; Jeremy was his best friend, Jeremy was the one he had left. And now it's just Matt Donovan, Only Human in Mystic Falls. Just--I don't want to know what'll happen if he dies, guys, so let's just make sure it doesn't, okay?

* "I want you to know that, um--"
"I know, Stefan." [arm clasp]

Crying again! Only on this show could a shoulder pat make me start weeping.


It--I don't know. It hurts, obviously; that was clear when I saw Jeremy's shoes and started crying for like the tenth time in 42 minutes. His shoes, his sketches, Ric's bourbon, Elena's diary--all of it gone, burned away. I'm going to miss that house: a lot of people made food, and played video games, and died there. They had to clean up a lot of bloodstains, and I think the last two years used up all the love and goodwill of the previous sixteen. But she's burning away the good parts, too--Damon taking Jeremy's memories to give him peace, or Anna telling Jeremy she loves him; Stefan showing up to give Elena back her diary, and Damon making Jenna dinner, and Jenna slamming the door in Logan Fell's face. Elena ran into a mostly-naked Ric upstairs, once. Ric moved in after Jenna died. It wasn't all bad. And I get that Elena 2.0 isn't going to miss it, but I think Elena 1.0's going to cry over it, too, when she gets back.

(I do think, with Jeremy lying in state on the sofa, that it's a decent funeral pyre; and that, as a Hunter, it's no less than he deserves.)

Next week: We're off 'til March 14, when Elena decides that cheerleading movies would be a hell of a lot better with vampires in "Bring It On". Thursday, March 14, 8 PM EST.
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