Previously on TVD: We are literally no closer to figuring out whether or not Elena's sire bonded to Damon, not that it matters because between Elena's not-apology to Stefan and Stefan being a(n understandable) dick to her, Damon is literally the only person in that whole triangle I don't want to slap in the face. Tyler's still broken about his mom being murdered, Rebekah and Stefan are trying to be friends with bennies, Damon's locked up because Kol compelled him to murder Jeremy, Bonnie's dad busted out "we can send you to witch rehab" which is TOTALLY NOT GOING TO BACKFIRE, and twelve weeks in, no one is worried about Professor Sketch and how he's making Bonnie go Dark Phoenix. Except Damon, who has like ten other things going on right now.

So here's where we are after this week:

STEFAN: Still being a dick to Damon (when he's not getting punched by him), Stefan spent most of this week missing Lexi and coming perilously close to dating Rebekah. You could tell, by how she's not daggered.

ELENA: Elena was pretty great this week: gaslighting Kol, furiously texting like nine people about murder, and taking a newel post to the stomach like a boss. Also, right up until the end we did not have to hear any nonsense about sire bonds or who's banging who. She slipped at the end, though, and got all shirty re: why Stefan didn't dagger Rebekah, which--you guys, let's see how big the cure is before we all freak out, okay? Thanks.

DAMON: Damon managed to maintain a fairly upbeat attitude about being sidelined by Stefan and babysat by Klaus, only to turn around and slug his brother in the face and suggest a camping trip. Only on this show does any of that previous sentence make any sense.

BONNIE: Her dad called her vampire mom back to town to roofie her and send her to witch rehab, only for Dark Phoenix to psych them out and trap Klaus in the Gilbert house for three days so everyone can go camping. Also: Damon, if I were you I would stop irritating her. The new-and-improved aneurysm thing is impressive, to say the least.

KOL: After revealing things about himself, Kol naturally tried to murder Elena and cut off Jeremy's arms. Twist ending: JEREMY TOTALLY MURDERED KOL. And, you know, his entire line (which apparently no one on this show is descended from).

JEREMY: After interrupting Bennett Family Night, Jeremy bounced back from almost becoming a double amputee and TOTALLY FUCKING MURDERED KOL. He now looks like Wentworth Miller on Prison Break and is preparing to go camping.

REBEKAH: She just wants to be a real girl, y'all. And she has a kicky outfit that she manages to wear while never once slut-shaming Elena. Kudos! She also took Stefan sneaking out the morning after like a champ, which is...kind of depressing.

KLAUS: Klaus spent this week babysitting Damon, trying to get dating advice and taunting him about Stefan and Elena--which meant he was reaaaaaaally unprepared when Jeremy murdered his brother (and, you know, his entire line). Currently trapped in the Gilbert house like it's that one anti-vampire cave in the woods, and about as thrilled by it as you'd expect.

MATT: Is getting really great at COD, I tell you what.

RUDY/BONNIE'S DAD: Congratulations, Mayor Hopkins! By putting vervain in the water supply and instituting a mandatory curfew what with all of the DISAPPEARANCES AND MURDER VICTIMS, you are literally doing more to protect people in Mystic Falls than the Council has since that whole "hey let's set a church on fire" thing in 1864. I'd applaud you if it didn't mean you were fucking up your daughter's shit--and basically signing your order of execution.

ABBY: Still a vampire! Still trying to parent! Having about as much with that as she is being a witch, which is to say none.


* Is it wrong that I am ridiculously excited about these stupid Decade Dances? Oh, sure, they're basically giant cattle cars to murder students, but I like that there's a decade progression like twice a year. Which means OH SHIT NEXT SEASON IT'S THE 90s. Everyone dressing like they're on Saved By the Bell!

* Okay, I know she's been daggered since the 20s, but does Rebekah really think it's "creeping Tom"?

* Ahahahahaha Stefan trying to sneak out of Rebekah's bed. That was a straight "ohhhhh man revenge sex is awks the morning after" face, right there.

* Okay, I get Elena's "if you kill Kol, it'll kill every vampire he's ever made and finish Jeremy's Hunter's mark" theory. However: 1) we have no proof that that's how that works, because he's not staking all those vampires with his bare hands, and 2) this is phenomenally stupid, as none of you know which Original your entire bloodline comes from. Be a hell of a thing if you accidentally murdered 2/3 of the cast, wouldn't it?

* "Do you think Caroline will notice if there are only 89 red balloons?" Please. Caroline would have noticed that before she became a vampire.

* the Dark Phoenix version of "giving a vampire an aneurysm" is "giving a vampire an aneurysm in such a way that I destroy half the hallway, and also break a few bones as collateral damage"? Impressive.

* Stefan countering vampire hearing with motorcycle sounds is actually really smart. It's also one of the only times anyone on this show has ever remembered OH SHIT MOST OF US HAVE VAMPIRE HEARING.

* Ahahahahahaha Klaus babysitting Damon. You don't want those two bonding, Stefan. (I mean, I do.)

* Part of me really, really loves that daggering Rebekah is kind of like torturing Damon.

* "You'd think being alive for over a thousand years would teach me some manners." No it wouldn't. I've met you.

* I don't know that anyone wins in the battle of 17th Century Puritan Dresses vs. Shoulder Pads.

* Ahahahahahaha Klaus half-assedly asking Damon for dating advice re: Caroline. So he doesn't know about all those times Damon whammied her into having sex with him, then.

* Kol gives bartending lessons! He used to be friends with witches! I--goddammit, show, I don't need to hate him any less. He's a murderous douchebag who broke Matt's arm for giggles. WE HAVE DONE THIS DANCE ALREADY, LET IT GO.

* "If you're gonna be bad, be bad with purpose." Somewhere in his enormous room, Damon has that stitched on a pillow, right next to the "there's no bad plans, only poorly executed awesome ones" sampler.

* I don't think Kol's definition of Mary Sue vampires matches up with mine.

* Witches haaaaaaate Silas, you guys.

* "I lost your mother to witchcraft." And vampirism! Did no one tell you about the vampiris--oh, right, you're inviting her in. So probably.


* "My daughter is done helping Elena Gilbert." And again, 1) it's like you've never met her, and 2) it's like you've never seen this show before.


* Rebekah is kind of great this week! She's not slut-shaming Elena, she's delighted that they have movies on all night now--Stefan gave her a koala corsage! She just wants to be human! She's basically a pre-reformation Rosalie Hale, only cooler, and her outfit (complete with thigh-high boots and kicky hat) is fucking amazing.

* Stefan's favorite 80s movies are Say Anything, The Princess Bride, and The Breakfast Club. Show of hands, who's surprised? ...yeah, me neither.

* Okay, seriously, Stefan and Rebekah alone at the dance in a room full of balloons is sort of sweet. I IN NO WAY SHIP THEM, because I mostly hate Rebekah and Stefan's a dick right now, but still: sweet.

* Wow, knocking out your teenage daughter! It's like you think that's gonna work. She is a week, max, from eating a sun.

* "It's a part of Stefan, like his brooding and his hair." Says the guy who's made up of eyebrows and smirking.

* Ahahahahahaha booze in the teacher's lounge. Welcome to...any school in America, frankly. I'm just surprised Stefan didn't find a fully stocked bar. Hell, maybe he did and he just took one bottle. "I couldn't get the Glenlivet! They'd notice if that was gone, it was full."

* Klaus, Klaus, Klaus. Taunting Damon about Stefan and Elena? Really? Does no one on this show realize Damon is batshit crazy? And not the controlled-burn kind of crazy Klaus has; we're talking GODDAMN FOREST FIRES levels of nuts. And that's on a good day.

* Aaaaaaaaaaand then Stefan gets drunk because he's playing "Wanted: Dead or Alive" and he misses Lexi. Of course I teared up, are you kidding me?

* Possibly the best thing about Elena being stabbed in the stomach - no, seriously - is that it'll hit her later: this sort of shit happens to vampires all the time. And they just shrug it off! Worse things, even! That is MESSED UP.

* Shut up, Stefan trying to teach Rebekah the Breakfast Club side was cute.

* Aaaaaaaaand Rebekah wants the cure for herself. What did I say? Rosalie Hale. Girl needs to find herself an Emmett who won't try to dagger her.

* Rudy! Abby! I think your intentions are great, but for real: you were absentee parents at best, and you choose now to try and give it a go? Your kid is Dark Phoenix! Dark Phoenix has no parents! Dark Phoenix needs no parents! And Dark Phoenix sure as shit doesn't need witches being assholes all up in her business, torturing her grandma and making her make Alaric a vampire! YOU LOST, LET IT GO.


* Kol was--well. Kol was an asshole. He was smug, and superior, and burned out everything human in him a thousand years ago. He was the youngest of his brothers, and always remarkably cheerful; he did okay, being alive after being daggered for a hundred years. (Better than Finn, certainly.) It's sort of a cheat to learn things about him at the end--he can mix a hell of a drink; he liked witches; he was scared shitless of Silas--but we knew some things, at the end, and maybe that's enough. His death made his brother go mad and his sister weep, and that's more than either of them have done in a while.

You're going to be missed. Not by me, so much, but by your family. There are worse fates.

* And then Dark Phoe--sorry, Bonnie traps Klaus in the Gilbert house like a fly in amber (or, you know, that one cave in the woods) for three days by using the power of the new moon. Man, magic powered by blood sacrifice really gets shit done, doesn't it?

* Damon's out of the basement! Damon and Stefan are being bitches to each other OH SHIT PUNCHING. I am not going to lie: Damon punching Stefan was really, really good for me.

* I will say, Klaus' rage? Totally understandable. And hey! Maybe now you'll get why Tyler wants to murder you like nine times over: BECAUSE YOU KILLED HIS MOM. Granted, it was via drowning and not a dagger in the heart that made her catch on goddamn fire, but still.

* Aaaaaaaaaand now Jeremy is Michael on Prison Break!

Next week: It's field trip time! Join Rebekah, Stefan, Elena, Damon, Jeremy, Bonnie, and Professor Sketch as they go to what looks like Demonreach from The Dresden Files and I make like four pages' worth of Lost jokes. "Into the Wild", next Thursday, 8 PM EST.
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