1) Elena! Stop feeling guilty for killing Connor! Yeah, I know, first kill as a vampire blah blah blee, but: dude was trying to kill you, your friends, and your family. IT IS TOTALLY OKAY TO STOP HIM BY WHATEVER MEANS NECESSARY. Like, you know, neck-snapping. 's fine. Relax.

2) And then, because she's mid-hallucination Elena STABS JEREMY IN THE NECK AND KILLS HIM OH MY GOD.

3) "You should have called Stefan. [...] I said you should have called Stefan. [...] P.S., I called Stefan." It's really in the delivery, but it's great. Damon's not accidentally funny enough, I don't think. (He also doesn't recap previous events more, which is a shame.)

4) Oh! Hey! Remember how I said last week killing Connor wasn't Damon's fault? IT IS ALSO NOT STEFAN'S. Wh--it's not about fault. It happened. It was basically in self-defense, and now the guilt is being backed up by Ghost!Connor, who is still a giant dickhole.

5) Man alive, hybrids love the Lockwood house, don't they? Ten bucks says Carol's sleeping in her office.

6) Someday I will show y'all my sad mental fanfic where Carol starts dating again, this time a nice normal guy who is cool with her hybrid werewolf/vampire son and the fact that everyone in that town is a supernatural being and/or a drunk. And in my head, he is played by Linden Ashby DON'T JUDGE ME OKAY THEY'RE MARRIED IN REAL LIFE.

7) Shut up, drunk Klaus is kind of adorable. That...probably says terrible things about me, but here we are.

8) Caroline and Tyler broke up! Only not really, because they are totally playing Klaus. Well, they are; Haley looks legitimately sort of sadfaced that Tyler is all up on the World's Best Person and not her.

9) Ahahahahahahaha Stefan has to meet Klaus outside the Gilbert house because now that Elena's dead, he's not invited inside.

10) I will say, as a backup plan, "my ghost haunting the vampire who killed me until he or she kills him- or herself" is kind of brilliant. Awful, but brilliant.

11) And then Klaus just totes steals Elena, because for a guy who's a thousand, he really has patience issues.

12) So instead of keeping them a secret, which would be the sensible thing to do, Jeremy IMMEDIATELY TELLS MATT "Oh, hey, now I'm a potential hunter and I have ghost tattoos." You are terrible at this, Littlest Gilbert.

13) Atticus Shane? Ow. Ow ow ow. His parents A) really liked To Kill a Mockingbird, or B) really did not like him.

14) "[Shane] knows everything about everything." Okay, no he doesn't, and also: BRAINWASHED BONNIE IS BRAINWASHED.

15) The 52+ years Klaus was haunted by the original Five being described as "the only period of [his] life [he] actually felt the passage of time" is possibly one of the most awful things I've ever heard him say. Quit making me feel bad for Klaus! The Caroline thing's gonna do that already!

16) Oh my God, Ghost!Connor is a total asshole.

17) "Did you know I had a family?" SO DOES ELENA. So did most of the hybrids you killed. Remember? That one whose head you RIPPED RIGHT THE FUCK OFF? Don't start with that shit. Everyone has a family, at some point. None of us get here via the cabbage patch. That's not a reason to tell a girl to kill herself. Fuck you.

18) "Did you miss me?" FUCK YES I DID. Or I would, if you were actually Katherine, who would totally never tell Elena a monster. She'd call her other horrible things, and try to steal Stefan and/or Damon just to be an asshole, but of everyone on this show, I think only Klaus more fully enjoys being not-human. Katherine would be breaking Connor's arms because it was a Wednesday, are you kidding me?

19) SO: Silas and Qetsiyah. Silas used a powerful witch, Qetsiyah, to gain immortal life; then he dumped her to be with another woman, and Qetsiyah buried him alive for all eternity. Ten bucks--no, five--says this is why Silas is all hot for Bonnie. But he's not one of the Originals, so--yeah, I have no idea. Still! Welcome to the back half of this season, I think, or at least the middle.

20) Damon Salvatore: The Bourbon Whisperer. I would totally watch that.

21) "You're missing all the adventure, pal." And then I teared up again, because I am totally predictable. And also because, from prior evidence, Alaric is sitting on the edge of the desk, mostly pissy he can't drink any of the booze, calling Shane a douchecanoe and mocking Damon's life choices.

(He's not over it. He won't ever be, I don't think. He'll miss Ric until he dies.)

22) "This is my friend, Damon." The scariest--and best--part? Bonnie wasn't lying in that moment. She and Damon are friends. Oh, sure, they're the kind of friends who get along best when they don't see each other, but they don't hate each other anymore. Mystic Falls wears you down, but not always in a bad way.

23) So Elena's cursed to be haunted by hunters 'til Jeremy starts getting his mark, i.e. killing vampires. ...what the shit, why weren't there any new ones for Klaus for half a century? Jesus, vampires were thin on the ground back in the day.

24) Oh, ow. Ow ow ow. Klaus being considerate of Caroline's feelings! He would have never let Tyler cheat on her! (Never mind that he could have ordered Tyler to dump her, or that Tyler didn't actually cheat.) And then he threatens to kill her, and she tells him about Jeremy, and now THEY ARE GOING ON A DATE. I am firmly in Camp Tyler/Caroline, but the Camp Klaus/Caroline part of me is starting to dig a poo trench. That's never good, for a variety of reasons.

25) "You need to kill a vampire to save Elena."
"Great! Give me a stake, I'll kill Damon right now."

I am halfway certain Jeremy's kidding!

26) "You're a monster, and you deserve to die." Aaaaaaand again: of everyone on this show, except maybe Klaus, Katherine is the least likely to say that. Possibly Caroline, but probably Katherine. She'd be like, "No, you're doing it wrong," and teach her to hunt. Or try to kill her. But no judging! Katherine is really good at not judging. (Except re: stupid plans, but that's just sensible.)

27) OH MY GOD ELENA THAT IS NOT YOUR MOM. I have seen your mom a grand total of once, and THAT IS NOT HER. Your mom? The lady who raised you as her own, and gave birth to Jeremy? That lady's ghost would kick Connor in the fucking throat and tell you to run, because Gilberts aren't quitters.

28) I will say that I get it: part of Elena thinks she's a monster that deserves to die, and part of her knows she's not. The problem comes from getting those two sides of yourself to be roommates, even in the Odd Couple sort of sense. And I don't think either Salvatore can teach her about that.

29) AND THEN! Stefan and Jeremy pimp into Tyler's house, say "I'm sorry" to the ONE FREED HYBRID that Haley and Tyler have managed--who Tyler promised to protect, okay, but he didn't think his own goddamn friends were gonna be the problem, here--and Jeremy kills him, to start getting his mark. This is the sort of shit that ends in vampire/hybrid/werewolf wars, assholes.

30) Also! Stefan! Do not say "I'm sorry" when you are clearly not! Comes off like a dick.

31) AND THEN! Damon tries to talk Elena down, but because she's taken her ring off, she starts to crisp up like fried chicken when the sun comes up. So--TOTALLY LOGICALLY--he grabs her and they spend half the morning in the river, where he gets her ring, because vampires hate to swim. And then he takes the moral high road and tells her about the possible cure, all to save Stefan's relationship ass, because DAMON SALVATORE IS KIND OF A GOOD BROTHER, OKAY. Typing that almost gave me hives, but here we are: Damon is the good brother.

32) "You know what they say about teenage suicide." [confused expression] "...don't do it." I am taking that as a Heathers shout-out and NONE OF YOU CAN STOP ME. (I have the sneaking suspicion that wherever he was in 1987, Damon watched that movie and was the only one laughing. Ahead of your time, sir.)

33) "...I agreed to go on a date with him." Yes! To back up the whole "we broke up" story you are selling, so as to free hybrids. So don't get all pissy, Lockwood, that she's shoring up your lie. You wouldn't need to get pissy if you didn't think somewhere that maybe Klaus could steal her OH WHAT HE COULD MAKE A GOOD SHOWING ANYWAY.

(Seriously! I am not advocating anything. I will say that Tyler has, thus far, been a metric shitton of work, and Klaus...has not. But, you know, thousand-year-old serial killer, so: balance.)


35) "Anytime anyone in this town knows anything, it winds up being creepy."
"...you're on the verge of impressing me."

Okay, I don't know that it would work long-term, but I could see trying out Matt Donovan & Damon Salvatore: Temporary Bros. That's how this shit starts, Matt. Anyone offers you a Gilbert ring, run.

36) Aaaaaaaand Shane and Pastor Young were in contact for a really long time, including like 10 calls on the day of the gas explosion. So...hunters connected to some kind of resurrection re: the Council and the whole Silas & Qetsiyah thing? We're calling it, right?

37) Aaaaaand Shane tells Bonnie to bring Jeremy to him when his mark is complete, and Bonnie? JUST GOES WITH IT. Brainwashed, I am telling you now. (That said, "Bonnie Bennett, Avatar of Qetsiyah" has a nice ring to it.)

38) Elena! You are a baby vampire! Maybe we don't date anyone for a while, okay? Your emotions are coked up and boys are pretty and just--everyone stay away from Elena's genitals right now, PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO MURDER YOU. Again. Some more.

39) And then, Stefan Salvatore, NOTED DOUCHECANOE, basically gets all emo and hairshirt-y because Elena's new heightened emotions are making her think more about Damon--who, let's remember, is treating her like Elena and not My Dead Girlfriend, Elena Gilbert the Baby Vampire, which is a whole different thing--and BREAKS UP WITH HER. Because she's attracted to his brother. Who Stefan knows she's had feelings for for, oh, a while now, and who--ONCE AGAIN--is treating Elena like a person. WHAT THE ACTUAL SHIT, LITTLEST SALVATORE. It's a bad week when I like Jeremy more than you.

IN TWO WEEKS: Miss Mystic Falls comes back around again! Let's hope this time, Stefan doesn't get coked up and try to eat a Fell. Guest-starring Gabby Douglas, Olympic gold medalist and Noted TVD Fan, who was legit the happiest girl in the world when she filmed this.
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